My son walked out :-(

[suzi-q]

My son (aged 17) and my husband (his stepdad) had a row. Well it all blew up over nothing really, just a silly thing, but it ended up with him shouting at my husband in the street foul language and really unpleasant things. My husband didnt deserve it - he hadnt really had a go at him or anything.

So I told my son that if he couldnt treat people properly and show a little respect he should go and live with his father (who always used to speak to me like that). I was calling his bluff really. But he upped and went that night. He has only been back once to collect some clothes and refused to speak to me. Then he sent me a nasty text basically saying I chose my husband over him.

I dont think I did. I just dont want that kind of behaviour and language in my home.

I havent had many problems with my son, hes been a good boy on the whole, although has begun to go through a very rebellious stage, he got a tattoo has been drinking etc. But still, for his age, a pretty normal, good boy. Hes been loved, looked after by me for his whole live and his stepdad for 3 yrs and theyve always got on well. And now this.

My husband, friends and family have been really supportive saying that its tough love and I should stick with it, but Ive been dreaming that Im searching for my son and cant find him. Im really sad.

[Suzyboo]

Is it worth sending him a letter explaining that you love him and want the best for him, that you weren't choosing your husband over him, just reminding him about the way he should behave towards people? Explain that you want him home provided he understands the ground rules but that you aren't turning your back on him

[dot.hawkes]

Do you know what could have triggered the row? A friend of my eldest son has been staying with us for six months because of his step dad, apparently in fron tof his mother and family the step dad is ok, and one day they arranged to go out to celebrate a family birthday and they all were walking to the pub, and the step dad dropped back to walk with this lad and tols him he should ****** off and make an excuse not to bother coming in the pub cos he was not wanted. He had done nothing and didn't want to upset his mum and so he just didn't make a fuss, he left homw that night. It soulded very sinister and i do believe him over it.
I am not suggesting this is the situation at your place but it is a difficult situation when two men are vying for attention.

[Le Chat]

Suzi-q, I do feel so sorry for you. I would hate for this situation to be mine and it is very sad.
It may hearten you to know that a young lady I work with, who is now 19 and a delightful person, left home for 6 months when she was 17. I was surprised to find this out and asked her why. Her answer was that she was a 'rebellious bitch!' at that age! For all intents and purposes, her mother said the same to her as you did to your son. After the 6 months passed, the young lady in question moved back home. Her mother didn't back down at any time but told her daughter how delighted she was to have her home.
You mention that your son spoke to his stepdad as his father had to you...well my mother always says that "The apple never falls very far from the tree" and your son will no doubt have learned this from his Dad. You are very right not to tolerate it.
Finally, it may be worth pointing out to your son that it was he who made the choice to leave. The choice you gave him was to either treat people properly or to stay with his Dad, at no point did the choice comprise of your son over your husband or vice versa.

[suzi-q]

Thanks for your answers.

I think I have done the right thing despite missing him like mad. If my son gets away with speaking to people like this now he will think he can always do it and I dont want him to grow up into a person who thinks he can verbally abuse people to get his own way.

Also I want him to understand that I have his best interests at heart and will always love him but would not be doing him any favours by allowing this.

Its probably the hardest thing Ive ever done.

[joannie10]

I think the suggestion of putting it in writing to your son seems a good idea, but you certainly have done the correct thing by not tollerating it. how does his father stand in it all - are you two speaking. is he supporting your actions. Good luck but as previously said, will all work out good in the end I am sure.

[kaylamay]

Oh sweetie i know just how you feel. I married my 2nd husband 12 years ago when my son was 9. They got on okay then, but as my son grew the started to not get on at all. 5 years ago i told my hubby for the sake of my son's emotional well being and possible future physical well being he would have to leave. We now live separately and my son is still at home and attending college. I like you had dreams too only mine were of the 2 men i loved most in the world coming to blows and i could never stand for that so did what i felt was best for all involved. I will say that my hubby was much harder on my son that either of his children or even my daughter whom he adores, even his family noticed his unfairness. So it is what it is now, and maybe i should have waited until my children were grown before dating and marrying again.
I can only hope for your sake and your sons that he will come around in his anger. It might be a good idea to write or meet him for lunch somewhere(just you and him) and explain the bad language and disrespect issues to him and maybe ask what he feels started the whole thing. Teens are all hormonal at that age and fly off the handle for nothing, so it may seem to us, but to them it is the world. You know though, his HOME is where ever YOU are until he is of age.
Good luck with this.

[gemma771]

hiya suzi-q,
i had a similar experience at 16 (im now 21), i had a falling out with my family but the difference was that my mum was as stubborn as me so i never went back.
at 16 and 17 we do get very rebelious and in my situation i found it very hard to talk to people, i think if my family could have made more of an effort to talk about things my life would be very different now.
so my advice is talk to him tell him what bothers you and try to get him to do the same.
oh and dont worry too much as long as you dont shut him out (which im sure you wont) he will be back.