How do you deal with a family falling apart and it's down to 1 person?

[wigglebum]

My family is a complete mess and well its all down to my mum really as she's quite neurotic and well seems to like making us lot (her kids) feel worthless and blames us when she upsets us and we have a go back and proceeds to tell others how terrible we are.

I brought her some presents for mothers day but am so tempted to just throw them in the bin? Should I?

[WendyS]

No. I don't think you should throw your Mum's presents into the bin. It sounds as if she is really struggling to cope with being a parent, looking after the day-to-date care of her children. She is probably tired, dispirited and exhausted. Perhaps she makes you feel worthless because that's how she herself feels, and perhaps she feels unloved into the bargain. You don't mention your father. Maybe he's no longer on the scene, or if he is, possibly isn't giving her the support she needs to cope with her family.
I think what your mum needs is a big hug, an understanding quiet chat with her about what is causing her behaviour and her children pulling together as a team to try and make family life for all of you a little more harmonious and enjoyable. Give it a try. It might change things for the better for you all.

[justjuice]

Your Mum is your Mum and at the end of the day you only have one life - tell her you love her and give her the gifts - along with her birthday and Christmas it's the only time to give for a reason - and this one is just to say "thanks for giving birth to me" - if nothing else think of it that way!

[wigglebum]

I don't mention my father because he died in accident 3 years ago and before anyone thinks it her way of grieving it not. I don't see why she's struggling there are three of us and only my little bro lives at home and he's 20. She doesn't speak to my older brother and she's just pushing me away now.

[JanineG]

I'm sorry to hear about your father - but why are you so sure it's not your mum's grieving process taking its course. From the sound of it, she has 3 grown up children, only one of whom lives at home and at 20 years old, I wouldn't imagine he's home too often or much company for your mum. Do you think perhaps she's lonely?

This is probably the time of her life when she imagined the start of the next phase - growing old with your father while you kids took off with your own lives.

Try to give her a bit of a break, or why not sit her down and ask her what the problem is - tell her you can see she's not being herself lately, and that you want to try to help her.

And quite frankly, I can't believe that you would suggest throwing away her presents - would she have done that with your presents when you were naughty as a child?

I hope you can sit down and have a sensible talk with her and will sort things out. You've lost one parent, try to hold on to this one as tightly as you can.

Janine xx

[wigglebum]

I know its not her way of greiving because she's always been like this and she's getting worse. To be honest I think she needs counselling. I've had to go and most of my depression and aniexty stems from my mum.

Don't get me wrong I do love my mum to bits and the fact that my dads not about makes me want to be closer to her, but she seems very jealous of me and I try my hardest not to rub her up the wrong way but she acts like a spoilt teenager.

I would never throw her presents away but I feel she may and she has done with presents if they're not the perfect present.

I've tried sitting down and talking to her and sometimes it helps but then a few days later she's being horrible again.

I do feel for people who don't have mums/dads about and don't wish to make anyone angry with my question but Its becoming very hard for me to maintain a relationship with her and its beginning to affect my home life

[wigglebum]

Oh and I do give her presents anytime

If I see she's having a bad day I get her flowers and if I spot things I know she might like then I give them to her instead of waiting for an occasion like Mothers day, birthday ect...

[sandbach99]

Could you go and see your Mums Doctor explain how she is and see if he thinks she could have an illness ie depression, he could then make some excuse to see her, especially as this is upsetting you too.

Instead of moaning to each other could you all try to turn it round and laugh at what she says, not to her face, just to each other. ie if Mum says "you're useless you can't cook," don't repeat it to your siblings like that, turn it round say " after all these years Mum still thinks I can't cook, shows she wasn't a very good teacher, if only she knew how many takeaways we have, or if she only knew I managed to burn some boiled eggs the other day.

It will take an effort at first but will become easier, also if Mum dosn't see she is upsetting you she may stop.

[Mammar]

You don't mention if you have a family of your own yet?
When you become a parent yourself it puts a different perspective on what your parents went through bringing up a family. If you haven't, try imagining it from her circumstances and see if that pinpoints why she's behaving like this.
I agree with most of the things said so far - some very sensible advice from all. You know the family best and will be able to pick the advice you feel is more helpful.
Don't give up. We Mums are a bit complicated at times. If it truly is her nature and not just something that's made her feel like this then, for your own peace of mind, try to start letting the hurtful things she says wash over you. Stop the cycle of wanting to strike back. You know what she says is unjustified so dismiss it for what it is - unimportant. Like sandbach says if she sees it's having no effect, she may stop. She can only hurt you if you let her.
On a brighter note, there's a mother here who is thinking of you today and sending you a bit of spare love I found hanging about in the back of the cupboard. It's specially for you. Enjoy! x x

[wigglebum]

Thanks Mammar

I do have a family of my own and a step child so do understand how difficult it can be but I do know my mum best and she will never change. I try my best to let her comments wash over well let her see that they do but my hubby gets the brunt of it.

Thanks everyone for your comments and the extra thanks to Mammar the little bit of love its just what I needed. xxx

[stevie1time]

I am in pretty much the same boat as you wiggle bum,i am a single dad living alone,work all the time and my spare time is for my kids..I dont get much time to see my mum and dad,but see them as often as i can,which is once a week at least..I as a parent know how difficult bringing up children is,but also how rewarding unconditional love is, and how empty my life would be without them. To the point though,my mom and dad are the most ignorant,horrible,self centered people i have ever known,the things that come out of my mothers mouth are just down right out of order,i have 3 brothers and 3 sisters,i was the last to leave home,but when my relationship fell apart,i moved back in with them when i was 25,and left only two years ago,so in other words i got alot closer to them that my siblings.My parents have in excess of 30 grandchildren and great grand children,yet dont know a single birthday,they do not see any of them regularly except mine,the rest of the family agknowledge(spelt right?dont know)their mom and dad,but dont really respect them anymore. My mum has said horrible things like my former partner was cheating on me and that one of my sons dosent look like me and that he is not mine,this is in front of my son,wigglebum i could go on forever about the things they have done...But in answer to your question,i do let it all wash over me,i find it intensely difficult at times,but they are my mom and dad,and i love them,all the good(not much)and all the bad in them,we only have one life and theres no point spending it being bitter,one day my mom and dad will leave this world,(hurry up please)im only kidding,,you can choose your friends but family,there for good im afraid,so we gotta grin and bear it..I am glad you asked the question wigglebum,at least i know im not alone.bye x

[murphyahp]

Sorry to hear about your problems with mums. You both are definitely not alone..... My mother is much the same and sometimes you just have to accept that the way they are. I know their your mums and you only have one mum etc. etc. but remember you only have one life too. I don't mean to say you should have thrown the mother's day presents in the bin.(but I know how that feels) Try to let it all wash over you and forget about it when you leave her company, if you can. They have a way of managing to make your day miserable even when you're not with them! Continue to be good to your mums, do the best you can and you'll have nothing to feel guilty about. I think that maybe my mum didn't have a very happy life herself but that's not my fault. I try to do what I can but it can be hard. They are allowed to complain, pass comment, tell you what you're doing wrong etc. etc. but you not suppose to stand up for your self or have an opinion of your own.

Hope the future is not too stressful... don't cut off communication, you will most probably regret it if anything happend, but look after yourself, this is your life and you're entitled to be happy......


xx

[smiffy65]

I feel so sorry for you wigglebum,I had a lovely mum and dad and thought the world of them but sadly they are no longer with me theres not a day goes by when i dont think of them, I have five lovely children who are all grown up now with families of there own they were all here with me on mothers day, I am one of the very lucky ones because if ever I need them they are here for me and vice versa,heres a poem one of my daughters sent to me it it so touching

http://www.mygermanshepherd.co.uk/forums/showt hread.php?t=391