i really need some advice

[h20]

I have been engaged for seven years now and was due to be married in six weeks time. My friend was having a horrible time and she was leaving her boyfriend, her boyfriend came to me for advice i tried to help. On my way home the other night i get a phone call from her b/f saying i have something to tell you your b/f made a pass at my g/f now at first i did not believe it. As i trusted my fiance, so i went up there and found out that one day when we had an arugment he went round there to my friends for 10mins then left and sent a txt to her saying i really felt like kissing you is that bad? Nothing happen but he beg her not to tell me and so she did not. However at the time she went for advice to her mother in law as she said dont tell her either. But the mother in law told her son who told me. Now i know nothing happen and i can get through that but i cant stand the deciet it really hurts. He told me that it was a moment of stupidty for an amount of a text as he said to her that was a mistake sorry. She told him that she wanted to tell me but he begged her not to tell me. That was a year ago when it happen. So its been hidden from me for a year. I just feel that my relationship was a lie for the last year, unless you are told facts how can you base a decision on things, I have asked him to leave me for now give me space, he is phoning every half an hour crying which really hurts me. I just feel so numb and need advice from people who are not involved. Sorry to ramble. Thanks to anyone who responds.

[sambob]

Its very easy to say this looking from the outside and not having all the emotions but I would try and forget it happened.
Nothing did happen which is a good thing so apart from the fact that they didn't tell you, there aren't any worries there.
I really wouldn't be angry with your friend, she was probably trying to protect you from getting hurt by something that never materialised and had your best interests at heart.
Your boyfriend didn't tell you because he was worried he would lose you over a stupid lapse in .......??

I think my main worry would be, by texting your friend to ask if he was wrong wanting to kiss her, was that really an open invitation to her to respnd by saying she wanted it too? If she had said yes, would he have had an affair with her?

I wouldn't be angry with your friend, I don't think shes done anything wrong, and nor has your boyfriend but I would be absolutely certain you can trust him before you marry him.

There are temptations everywhere, you have been together 7 years and he hasn't cheated yet which is a big plus so he is probably a good'un. It sound like a stupid momentary mistake to me but just be certain before you marry him.

Good luck, hope it has a happy ending

[Bazza2764]

As sambob says, there are temptations everywhere, i have been married 20 years, and i stil look at women that are attractive and think cooorrrrr shes nice, but i would not act on it, my wife will see a man shes thinks is wow, but i know she wouldnt act on it. the thing that would be bugging me is could you trust them both if they were alone? i think maybe you could because they know your aware of things. i dont think he should have txt'd her with his thoughts. 7 years is a long time to be engaged to someone and you cant throw it away lightly, talk to ya b/f tell him how you feel, he should have had the nuts to be honest from the start but as you say nothing actually happened. one thing i have learned in 20 years of marraige is that its best to be open and honest from day one, ok it might make things a bit awkward for a while, but life is to short and you only get one
i hope you can sort this. take care x

[h20]

Thanks so much for your feedback, its true i have thought that was an open invitation but he keeps saying that it was a moment of stupidty and he would of never followed it through. That is the other thing that i keep saying too is why did he not have the nuts to tell me in the first place. These are only things that i can deal with i know. The only thing i left out is she keep saying three times in fact when she telling me the story 'oh i was covered in flour and i couldn't believe he wanted me when he has got someone like you at home. It felt like it was rubbing salt to the wound. Please correct me if i am wrong. Thanks to you both for your kind and honest advice it has really helped more than you could know. xxxxxx

[redhead23]

hey h , i would be worried too , the fact that he is txting her !!! and the fact he made the consious descion after leaving her house to txt her is not a spur of the moment thing

and why did he go to visit her anyway ?
be careful mate sometimes the warning signs are there , we just do not want to see them !x good luck

[alijangra]

Im sorry for your predicament. I believe you can go over the incident and try an analyse it but you will never come to a conclusion. It is always going to be there, and whatever his reasons were, and whether or not he would have taken it further is something only he knows. I sincerely think you need to examine whether or not you can trust him again. Seven years is a long time to throw away, but so will the rest of your life be if it turns out your marriage is ruined by mistrust. In my opinion, trust is the most important factor in a relationship, it comes way before sexual attraction. You will take a while to get over the shock and hurt, and once that fog has cleared you need to re-examine how you feel about him. Trust can be regained, but it takes a lot of hard work on both sides. And once you decide (if you do) to forgive and forget, you must make sure you really do forget.

[Trinny]

hi h20, I had a similar dilemma with my ex. One night he told me he had texted back to some girl who had given him her number whilst he was out. This happened a year before he told me. He gave me some story about how he didnt want to offend her by not replying! My reply was, what about offending me! It changed how I saw us...........and we broke up eventually, not just because of that. But it didnt help.

I hope you can work something out xx

[ChuffingHell]

Gosh this is a toughie.

I think that by texting her about the fact he wanted to kiss her probably suggests he wanted a response. A lot of people - as other respondants have said - might look at another guy or girl but telling that person about those feelings is another thing all together.

I can only reply by trying to put myself in your position. If it happened to me, I'd be so p*ssed off with my other half and we'd no doubt argue about it for months. I'd then be very worried about whether he might try it again - if we had an argument and he stormed off somewhere, would it eat away at me as to whether he was propositioning other women? Hmm. The other issue being that he's tried to hide it from you for so long - if I had done something like that which was "a moment of madness", I'd have to confess.

All you can do is ask yourself whether you can let this go and move on from it. Not sure if I could but I don't know how strong you think you relationship is.

[sam100]

I agree with the above. What would be worrying me is this is the stuff u know about..has there been other stuff u don't know. I think ur friend has done the right thing but im not sure i would be ready to walk up the aisle just yet after this.

[missrandom]

i would try and forget it, he didnt do it and thats the main thing, Yes i think your friend was stirring it when she said "i couldnt believe he wanted me", that was uncalled for, but she hadnt done anything wrong other than that. If anything he probably realises how blooming stupid he has been, and maybe less likely than the next bloke to cheat. i had a similar incident with my husband years ago, and it really is all forgotten, i KNOW, i can trust him. good luck. xx

[lady_p_gold]

It seems that you are battling to try and come to terms with this, and to be honest my gut feeling is that you should not go ahead with this marriage because I think that if he did that while you are engaged then he will eventually cheat on you, and also I don't think you are ever going to feel that carefree feeling that you used to have about the relationship. If you do marry him every time there is an office party or a funny phone call you are going to be disturbed. Unfortunately I think that he has spoiled the relationship and some might think I am being harsh but it is not to admonish him it is just how I see the reality of the situation based upon my experience. Sorry.