Wife or Mother?

[Yinzer]

My husband and I have an 8 month old son and it seems like I don't even have a marriage anymore. It's always baby SOMETHING, and while I knew this would come with the territory I had no idea to what degree. We hardly ever get to do husband-and-wife things anymore ; just parent things. I just hold onto the hope that soon enough he will be going to preschool and getting invited to birthday parties and spending the night at grandpap's house. Does anybody have any advice on how to nurture our marriage until then (I'm not even talking about making love) or how to keep from getting burnt out? I love our baby to death and I try to enjoy every moment with him because I know it passes quickly, but I miss my husband. Will things ever get easier because sometimes I doubt it.

[Oor Wullie]

Things will get better. Soon the baby will not be so demanding and you will start getting back to doing husband and wife things. Try and arrange for a night out every couple of weeks to give you both some special time alone. Does baby have a grandmother or aunt who would be willing to have him overnight every so often? We have our granddaughter every second Friday so that mom & dad get a complete 24 hour break. Try for that. But things will get better. We brought up two children now 29 & 27. Good Luck. Will

[tracymort]

don't worry it will pass! at the moment baby needs you more. i wouldn't go out until my sons are at least 18 months, mainly because I breastfeed them and don't like to leave them to get upset. i found being so attached meant when i did start to leave them they were fine with no stress. you have different phases in your life and you will find time to be a couple again soon, honest!

[MrsCheeks]

As soon as your baby is in bed get the candles out and a bottle of wine then just you and DH snuglle up with a good movie and enjoy some PARENT time. I know exactly how you feel and it DOES get easier. I would guess your DH is feeling the same way but if you can try to get at least your evenings together without the baby around then it does make a lot of difference to your relationship. Hugs to you both. xx

[vittoria]

I would like to reinforce what the others have written, that it does get better; and also suggest that you have a babysitter once in a while, so you can go out with your husband. When children are about 4, they start having sleepovers with friends... bliss...

[andy hughes]

I can only add to the sentiments expressed previously. You need to find time to be a couple. Even now, and my older daughters have their own lives, and our youngest is fifteen, my wife and i go out together at least once a week for a meal or to the cinema or theatre, to be a couple. It is essential that you don't allow your current demands to drang you down - as has been suggested, make time for the two of you, either inside or outside the house, and you will get past this stage. Do you wonder how the world ever got over-populated? Any parent with a new baby does!

[Wisebird]

Everybody here has given you very sound advice. I particularly agree with tracyh. Children that are given a lot of parental attention in the very first years of their life gain so much in confidence and cope far better with being away from parents later. Children that are 'farmed' out tend to become very insecure. However, it is important to occasionally have a break with your husband as long as your babysitter is well known to your child, e.g. granny or auntie.

[Robinia]

I'd echo all that's been said but would like to add another point. Even though your baby is 8 months you could be a bit post-natally depressed. If only I'd known when I had my first that depression can develop months after the birth & not always immediately. I was fine for 3 of 4 months & then I started to feel like you do. Have a chat with your GP or health visitor - don't let these feelings keep dragging you down. Good luck.

[Yinzer]

You know, maybe I should have a talk with the doctor about that. All of these suggestions are wonderful. One of the big problems is that baby doesn't go to sleep until midnight! Maybe I do need to trust people more because many people offer to babysit, I just don't have faith in anyone except grandpap. And he's usually busy! It's very reassuring too, to hear about being more attached now aids in being more easily "detached" later.

[Enola]

He may think that he has to show such an interest. A lot of pressure can be put on med in the modern world to be anything and everything. Just give it a little time and please, please then just tell him straight. It's not fair to keep all of your feelings locked away from him - he probably has no idea that there is even a problem. Men are also not too keen with subtle hints, so telling him straight is the best way to convey what you are feeling so you can both work to doing something about it.