Quizzes & Puzzles34 mins ago
jokes
11 Answers
what are your favourite jokes?
i need good jokes!
i need good jokes!
Answers
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Hi r-n-r, here's a few gags to start the fun -
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
This white horse goes into a pub...neigh just kidding!
These below should start you off.........
http://www.funny.co.uk/jokes/index.html
These below should start you off.........
http://www.funny.co.uk/jokes/index.html
/CONTD
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
----------------------------- E N D !! --------------------------------------
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
----------------------------- E N D !! --------------------------------------
13. Apologies - punch line went missing :
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
There was an accident on the building site, a girder slipped and chopped off both of Murphy's ears, they rushed him to hospital but were unable to save the ears. After a month Murphy was ready to return to work, so the foreman instructed the workforce not to mention the missing ears.
When he returned his mates gathered round to wish him well, when Pat came up and said "Good to see you Murphy, and I'm glad your sights improved"
"What do you mean Pat"
"Well you're not wearing your glasses.
When he returned his mates gathered round to wish him well, when Pat came up and said "Good to see you Murphy, and I'm glad your sights improved"
"What do you mean Pat"
"Well you're not wearing your glasses.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that." says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and
sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and
sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!
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