Alcoholic father

[Pippa68]

I met my biological father for the 'first' time last November. He had been dry for 4 years, and we were looking forward to celebrating his 5th drink-free year.

He was supposed to be visiting yesterday, but didn't turn up. I have phoned his neighbour to ask if she has seen him ~ yes she has, this morning..drunk as a skunk.

He is planning on visiting tomorrow, but as I had already told him in the past I didn't want him around if he ever boozed again I doubt he will arrive. I feel as if he has let himself down, as well as me and his grandchildren. At present I have no idea why he has lapsed, and neither has his neighbour (who took him in 5 years ago and arranged his dry-out)

Do I try and help him through this, or walk away as he did with me 36 years ago? I feel duty-bound, but Mr P is wary.

[jackthehat]

I think that it would be best if you arranged to meet somewhere, just the two of you, on neutral territory. Find out what caused him to'fall off' so spectacularly after 5-years. There could have been a good ?!? reason for it. Once you have all the information then you will be better placed to make a decision and you will have one that you can stick to with a clear conscience if you decide not to see him again.

One relapse in 5 years, whilst I'm not excusing it, could be a harsh reason to cut him off now that you have just found him. Take it slowly and perhaps refrain from introducing him to your children until you are sure that this was just a 'oneoff'.

I think that your stance is commendable but feel you would wish to have all the facts before deciding.

Best wishes and good luck.

[Le Chat]

One drink, even after a decade or more of being tee-total, takes an alcoholic back to day one.
I would feel very weary Pippa. I predict that you are going to be badly let down and the love that you so desperately seek from your father is going to set you on a road to disappointment and frustration.
Alcoholics have only their own needs to satisfy and they can't see past the next drink. They are self-satisfying and you will end up just trying to grasp whatever shreds of affection or love that he may or may not be able to give you.
I should think that after 36 yrs, it should be he who is doing whatever it is he can in his power, to try and make things right with you....not the other way round!!

[Goodsoulette]

He's your dad and if you want to help him through this then do it. Don't reward his behaviour by letting him see the grandchildren. I have an alcoholic granny and sometimes when she was drunk she was very nice but at other times she was very, very mean. I have no fond memories of her as a child because I was generally in fear of her tongue even when she was saying nice stuff.

[Pippa68]

Thanks so very much for your replies.

jackthehat ~ unfortunately he has already met my children, which is one of the reasons why I am so upset. He has been visiting a couple of times a week for almost 8 months and the youngest one in particular keeps asking where grandpa is. He assured me a fair few times that he would never drink again..and the fact that he had grandchildren made him strengthen his resolve.

Le Chat ~ I agree with you totally. My dad has even told me in the past that to have one more drink would kill him..as one would never be enough. He was very close to death 5 years ago when his neighbour found him in the woods suffering with hypothermia and malnutrition. This is why I fear this 'lapse' will be long term.

Goodie ~ my mother told me the reason she left him finally was because of his drinking, and that he had previously disappeared on her and her 2 year old (me). She told me to be careful last year..and I fear she has been proved right. Thanks for telling me your story ~ if it were just me involved in this situation I would go ahead and put up with the lapse, and help him as much as I can..however I think of my children first and foremost, no matter how painful.

To think I ws so delighted to have him back in my life ~ and he felt the same :o(

[raysparx1]

Hi pip, sorry to hear about that, so sad, try again pip please, he is your dad, i know what you are going through my dad also had real drink problem, he is ill, he has done so well going that long without a drink, but like a drug addict he is forever one drink away from ruin, he probably thought he could handle it, but one drink and all the good work comes tumbling down, i find it so sad, doe he drink because of problems ? I know he should never touch another drink, but he might well, you are right to be wary because ne has let you and your children down, but most of all he has let himself down, have a long chat with him and tell him, once more and thats it, it might make him see sense, but you can't stop him drinking, he has got to do that himself, good luck pip, take care, Ray xx

[jackthehat]

Hi, again,
Now that I have a little more information, I would say that you need to explain to the children that Grandad is poorly and won't be able to visit for a while.
As ray says, your Dad will always be one drink away from ruin, but every day he doesn't take it is a bonus.
You seem so hurt that I still stand by my assertion that you need to find out why he had this crisis. If you don't I believe that you'll be forever full of 'if onlys.....'
The fact that he has had this demon for so many years serves to indicate that he will never be free of it.
Only you can decide how far you are willing to go or compromise but I still wish you my heartfelt best wishes.

[Pippa68]

Hi ray ~ thank you, honey..you always manage to put a smile on my face, even though this thread is far more serious than any I have ever posted before! I won't be cutting him off just yet..after all, with regards to my father this is the first hurdle I have had..and I am not one to falter at the first one :o)

jackthehat ~ many thanks again..I have told the children exactly that today...grandpa is too poorly to visit. My second youngest was a bit upset as she has a horse riding show tomorrow and grandpa promised to be there. We will see.

To answer the question as to why he drank ~ he tells me it started after my mum left him, took me off somewhere and ended up remarrying and having me adopted by her new husband. My mother begs to differ and their versions of events don't match. However this is something I will never know...my main concern is, of course, why he has relapsed.

Thanks again, guys.

[raysparx1]

Hi pip, I knew you were never going to give up that easily, but it is sad that he has let himself and all of you down, he will be so sorry about it, lets hope it is a one off, cos the grandchildren obviously think a lot of him,hopefully this will bring him to his senses, I had one hell of a row with my dad one Christmas and told him no way were my kids ever going to see him drunk, and he changed from that day on, and he never let me or himself down again, so my lads have no memory of his drinking, and for that i still admire my dad, good luck pip,take care, Ray xx

[sosad]

It's all so sad, but it's so easy to fall into a crutch when your unhappy and crushed. Alcholism is an illness I'm told, but there is always a reason. I agree that meeting him on neutral territory would be a good idea, and how about him going into one of these clinic's If he had cancer would you just leave him to it?
I also think that telling your children he is very poorly is the right thing to do.

I feel for you - so sorry you're having to go through this.