Seperation, how does it effect the kids,

[sosad]

Seperation, how does it effect the kids, what is the best way to tell them?

[Goodsoulette]

It depends on so many things. How old the kids are etc?

My parents separated when I was 16 and I didn't get on with my mum and my dad left. I felt utterly abandoned, left home promptly and went off the rails.

I separated from my children's father when they were 5 and 1. It didn't effect the youngest at all and my eldest asked if me if that meant there was going to be no more arguing. I told him that mummy and dad loved him lots but we didn't like each other anymore so it was best we didn't live together. HE accepted that until his dad told him it was mummy that didn;t love daddy anymore and I wasn't prepared to give him another chance. Then he would get tearful every night asking me if Daddy could live at home.

Whatever is happening between you two, you have to be united on how you deal with the children.

[boobesque]

I was 5 when my parents split, they sat me down and explained that they both loved me very much but they didn't love eachother anymore and would be living in different houses.

Mum said that i seemed quite happy with that and i certainly remember them being apart was miles better than the arguing!

To be honest its just best to be truthful to a point, obviously you dont want to tell them about any affairs etc, but kids often know if the truth isn't being told!

[pixiepie]

depends how old your kids are sosad. Mine were 5 and 2. my youngest was oblivious but it hit my son hard. He was and still is very close to his dad. We made a pact not to call each other or shout in front of kids. was very hard at first but we have all moved on now 5yrs later and still good friends. Be as honest as you can to a point and dont whisper when kids are around as they get paranoid. my son found out alot of stuff (untrue)from a friend in his class as he had over heard his parents talking about me so be prepared to put the record straight. really does depend how old your kids are though

[Lindylou]

Can't you work it out? You are married, for better or for worse (unless alcohol, drugs or violence is involved). Why not stop thinking about yourselves and think about what is best for the children. You have a HUGE responsibility to them. Shouldn't have had them in the first place if you are prepared to cut and run at the first 'hurdle'. Please, think very very carefully before you break up your family. And don't, for one moment, think it won't adversely affect your children. Because it will. Just ask any school teacher.....

[Trinny]

hi sosad, my children were 6, 4 and 2 when my husband and I separated. I sat them down and told them that me and their dad would not be living together anymore. But we both still loved them, and they would still see their dad, but he wouldnt be living with us. This was 9 years ago. I still get on well with their dad. They seem him every 2 weeks, and everything thankfully has worked out well.

[sosad]

my child is 7 yrs old, he was quite shy up until recently, we've worked hard to bring him out of himself, i would feel so guilty if i sent him back there.

me and my partner don't argue, we just can't communicate, so we don't really bother, we are like two people who share a house and jointly look after the kids. it's strange, but we went to relate for ages, eventually they told us they had done all they could, we are no further forward or behind.

It's the kids that have kept us together this long, i really don't want to hurt them if I can help it.

[Lindylou]

Then don't separate!! Doesn't matter what Relate tell you. Grown up the pair of you... LEARN TO TALK TO EACH OTHER. Write each other a letter saying what you can't speak to each other about. Communication is all we have. You talk to your child/children, parents, friends don't you? Then talk to each other. The excuse 'we just don't/can't communicate' is pathetic. I strongly suggest you start talking. Go out, away from your home environment, have a walk somewhere quiet and private and TALK. Tell each other your secrets, what you want out of life, where you see yourselves (both of you) in 1, 5, 10 years time. Learn to laugh together (and at each other). Treat each other with care, love, consideration and, yes, compassion. We're all human and we all make mistakes. Don't destroy your life together just because you feel you don't understand or can't talk to each other. Life is a learning process and you own it to your children, and even yourselves, to learn to talk to each other. It may sound difficult but, in the end, its a hell of a lot easier than destroying your lives and those of your children. I wish you well.

[Trinny]

I think you are being very harsh Lindylou sosad is asking for help, she has tried Relate, so its not like she is going into this without trying to sort things out.

Separation does not always ruin your children's lives. Where did you get that lindylou? Are you a parent btw,

Things don't always work out "fairytale" style either. Couples with children do break up. Its a sad fact of life. People change.

sosad, you have to do what you feel is right. If you are not happy as you are, then maybe separating from your partner may be the only way forward. Handled the right way, your child will still be happy. It can work . I wish you lots of luck xx

[dimwithwit]

Oh it's so hard know what the best thing to do is?
I think you need time to heel after all that has happened to you. don't rush, it doesn't matter that some people think you may be using your current partner; if he was that bothered he would have left.

moan alot to us if it helps... It's better than taking it out on them.

and as for your experience .... well.. good rideness, he sounds like a right pratt...

I think he's mixed up. he's mixed you up and I hope with all my heart you can recover. it won't be easy!!

Let us all help you --- you'll get there sweet!

[xhxmxsx]

when my fiance split with his x his oldest who was only 4 at the time took it very hard, she was constantly asking her mum why she had took her away from her dad as it was my fiance who would look after the kids as their mother is lazy, now the oldest is 7 and the youngest is 5 and they love the fact they have 2 sets of parents and now the oldest understands its better to have seperated happy parents than parents who are together but unhappy

[Lindylou]

I'm obviously very old fashioned! I believe that marriage is the best way to bring up children. Even if you have to work at it! It seems to me that no-one bothers these days to stick at anything very much. Just go for the quick fix. And yes, I'm married and have been for 37 years - to my first husband. Not always easy, in fact occasionally very hard/difficult. We have had three children, all of whom are happy and settled in their respective lives and all of whom love us lots! They all have excellent jobs and their own homes. Its called 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health'. Its a promise and a vow. As I said before, there are extenuating circumstances, i.e. violence, alcohol, drugs, etc. But no-one should just walk away because they 'can't communicate' with each other. Surely you should both learn how? I'm sorry if I appear 'harsh' but, come on - what do you want me to say? Diddums??!!

[aims1202]

If the parents are not functioning together and are not happy then the children will not be happy either. Of course its always better to try to sort things out and if you both really want to be together then you have to work really hard at making it work.
I do not believe any couple should stay together for the kids, it is not good for them to grow up in an unhappy family environment and it is impossible to hide this from them.
It is possible for parents to separate and still be excellent parents and for the children to be happy. It is essential that they put their differences behind them and learn to get along, as a lot of damage is done by one or both parent saying negative or hurtful things about the other, in front of or to the children.
The best way to tell young children is for both of you to tell them together and make sure they know its not their fault and that you both still love them. They need to know they can talk to either of you about any worries and reassure them that they can still see both parents.
I wish you all the best whatever happens.

[clairey-s]

Hi, how's it going?? Hope you're all ok.
I was 7(I think) when my parents split up, and they didn't really tell me anything, my mum just started packing and said we where leaving (not the best tac in the world).

To be honest your children probably know alot more than you think, and reasurance is needed. Saying 'it's not your fault' straight away can actually set doubt in thier mind, so try and avoid that! Just let them know that mummy & daddy are still friends and you love them etc, try to explain it as simply as possible and decide before you talk to them how you're going to ask any questions.

My parents used to send me upstairs while they argued, when, of course, I refused to go... they said they had "things to say to each other".
I don't actually speak to my dad now, because of the way he treated me and my mum for years after this, please don't let it come to that with your children!

Of course, you should think carefully about your options now... would it be better for the children if you two just stayed together? Would they know that something was wrong. Even if it makes you uncomfortable to stay with this man, it's worth it for them.

I know its hard not to use the children to get at your partner, but this is SO not the best way to go about things! Try to look at it from a 7-year-old's point of view at least.

Look, your his mum, you should do whatever you think is best for him, not for you. Trust your judgement, as long as it's not a decision made in anger...

Good luck, keep us posted

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