Is it best when you split to share the children

[yes-doc]

say one week with one parent and another week with the other?

[annalou]

don't do it under any circumstances-one of my children decided she wanted to go down this path the other decided he only wanted weekend contact, the later is good and works well, the one week at one house and one week at another is such a bad move, children need to have a base, it's caused so much tension between myself and my ex. after trying this for six months my daughter has now decided she can't cope with the tooing and frowing with the two house scenario and has decided to go back to weekend contact

[Pippa68]

It can work.

I knnow of several families who divide the time by two weeks ~ this allows for plenty of time between familes and the children seem to be coping with it all very well. I would agree that one week here or there is too short a time and could be disruptive.

The main thing is making sure the children are not forced to choose their main home. One thing is for certain if my ex lived in the same town as me our children would be able to see him practically whenever they liked (unfortunately he lives 200 miles away).

Their welfare and happiness is priority.

[xhxmxsx]

if you live within the same area so it is easy for them to get to school and still see their friends then i dont see why not, my stepgirls beg their mum to stay with us for a week then her etc and she outright says no even tho we live 5 mins round the corner , if its what your child wants then try it , if it doesnt work then you'll have to come to another arrangement but it's worth a shot

[spanner7853]

I know a few people that do this but depending on the children's age it can be quite disruptive if they have a routine. My children see there dad some Mondays depending on where he's working (for dinner). every Wednesday to stay the night then every other weekend Friday to Sunday to stay.

[Trinny]

my kids father lives locally, but only has them every other weekend. Fri-Sun...like its set in stone!

I have friends who are divorced, and the children spend equal time with each parent. Sometimes 10 days with the dad, at a time. Got it very well worked out. Well she has!!!

[annalou]

yeah trinny that's all ok - until the father decides he's having them longer than the mother and decides that he's entiltled to the child benefit and because of the extra number of nights spent away from the mother can then apply to the csa, to have the amount he pays reduced, becasue of a change in circumstances. but you're still the one paying for new school uniform, school trips, new football boots, re-crediting their mobiles etc... yep being it all sounds lovely jubley-abit of extra time away, until they see the � coin signs flashing.....

[Trinny]

I think they have it all worked out annalou. They are both very moneywise parents. I think if she buys a coat for one of them, he pays half and vice versa. I expect they have sorted out the child benefit issue also.

I know where you are coming from though. I get basic maintenance from my ex. But I am the one who forks out for all the stuff you listed. I think the couple I know are just very well organised financially.

[Pippa68]

Why shouldn't the CSA assessment be reduced if equal time is spent with both families?

If it is reduced then of course there should be an arrangement set in place regarding clothes and other living expenses ~ but the CSA assessment should be reduced, IMO.

It is a shame when there are lots of kids out there longing to spend more time with the other parent/family and not being able to because the resident parent wants to hang on to the money. This is another reason why the CSA system is flawed...

[xhxmxsx]

if the kids are spending equal time with each parents then why should one recieve more benefit than the other? they should recieve the same benefit and pay out the same, my fiance's x wont let the kids live with us for one week then her purely for the fact she will get her benefits cut down and her child maintenance and we pay for all the kids school clothes, shoes, swimming lessons, horse riding lessons, dancing lessons, i love the way some of u women make it sound like it's always the dads in the wrong

[annalou]

dear xhxmxsx, you are correct in your statement - benefits should be shared equally - but it just doesn't happen that way - one parent can only receive the child benefit - so any decent person (if a child lives in two houses of equal time) should share the benefit.. i receive no child benefit and my daughter shares her time equally - is that fair?? I am also the one that pays for everything she needs and school trips, after school clubs etc but i don't receive any benefits not even half! i work full time and always have done to ensure i can keep a decent roof over our heads and support my children. so you see some women do think it's not always fair. the way i look at it is - once a child reaches an age when they can make their own mind up - they see which way their bread is buttered.

[Pippa68]

My stepdaughter doesn't really see a penny from the maintenance my husband pays. The money pays his ex's mortgage (with her new husband) and stepdaughter relies on us to buy her clothes, credit for phone etc. MOney is a contentious issue with the ex as on the one hand we are criticised when we spend money on her, then in the same breath she tells her daughter to ask us for stuff!

She desperately wants to spend more time with us, but her mum says no as she knows the maintenance may be cut. To be honest I don't care if it's cut or not. We just want to see her more often..and considering she wants this too, and her school & friends are in our town (not her mums) I don't see why not.

[xhxmxsx]

annalou how comes you do not get child benefit? if you are good enough share residency then maybe you should tell him this or threaten to stop the shared residency!
pippa i am pretty much in the same situation with my setpdaughters, we buy them everything as all maintenance goes on the x's new children and her husband, she refuses to share residency even tho the girls beg her a few times a week, all this hurt she is causing the girls just so she can get more benefits

yes-doc , if u can trust you and your x will share residency which means share the cost of clothes, share child tax credits etc then i say go for it, the kids will benefit as although it is normally the courts who decide the children feel very bad for the parent they dont live with, our stepdaughters still apologise to their dad for not living with him and it has been 3 years

[Pippa68]

It's heartbreaking, xhxmxsx.

A court order was made 12 years ago (SD was then 2 years old) for staying contact every other weekend. We proposed this as our solicitor recommended it was a more reasonable request..and as SD was so young we agreed.

Since then we have had nothing but ''the court order says..blah blah blah'' from her mother. So we will try and change it, as this is what SD wishes. As she said to me the other day ~ she has been living with her mum permanently since she was 2, now she wants some more time with us. Growing up has made her see that the order is unfair..not on us or her mother, but on her.

[xhxmxsx]

i personally think if parents live close to one another and they can both get the kids to school on time etc then it should be shared, it is not fair on the children to be with one parents and not the other, my stepgirls get so upset when we take them home and it breaks my fiance's heart to see them like that, the girls main arguement is 'please dont take us home mummy has new children she doesnt love us anymore' since their mother has had 2 children with her new husband my stepgirls feel so rejected it's soul destroying for them

[Pottyone]

I read a child psychologist's point of view on this once. It basically said "Let the children live in one house and get the parents to swap homes every week. Let the adults pack their bags and to and fro and see if they like it. If they think it is ok then maybe the kids will like it. Most adults wouldn't entertain the idea so why expect it of their kids."