My Daught?

[minime123]

Hi Every1,

Am about to tell my 11 year old daughter this week that her dad is not her real Dad am dreading it. Just don't know where to start. He's been there since she was 1, am scared incase she hate's me.

We have recently boken up, he's still incontact with her and love's her very much.

Any advise would be appreciated,

Thanks

[beejaybee]

If it was me, I`d tell her together with your partner. You`ll both be there to support each other & answer any questions she`s bound to have. Obviously, I don`t know the circumstances of your break up, but I`m sure you could do it together for your daughter`s sake. Good luck.

[minime123]

We are plannin on doing it together won't do it any other way, he's been so good to her over the last 10 years. It's get breakin my heart cos he left now she has to deal with this at such a young age. Just don't know where to start or wat to say. Thank u.

[minime123]

Hi In a Pickel,

I totally agree with wot ur saying but I just want it over with so wee can move on with our life's.
He left nearly 3 months ago now for another girl, my daughter still does'bn know about her yet. Iam trying to keep every from her to stop her hurting.
Am planning on telling her the now cos he stupily got t other girl pregnant, but she lost it. So image how my daughter would have felt finding that out. Men are pigs at times.

I just feel the sooner she know's the sooner me and her can start to build a new life without him. As far as am concerned he's lost everything for his new girlfrind.

Thanks

[taperface]

In a Pickle had certainly hit the nail on th head as far as I'm concerned. I think perhaps that the time to explain things to your daughter is not just yet, as she has enough to deal with in her young mind, without telling her that her absent father isn't her father at all. However, when you DO decide the time is right, I think you need to gently explain that the man who brought her up for so many years was LIKE a father to her, but things just didn't work out between you. Try not to poison her mind against this man as I'm sure you've had some good times in the past - and hope the future's bright for you.

[tiny e.a]

This man hurt you and it is understandable that you want to distance yourself from him. However, why should your daughter have to build a new life without him just because of your pain. By the sounds of it this man is her father, not biologically but in every other aspect. Now it sounds like you want to isolate her from him because he's hurt you, and you don't seem to realise the huge long term implications your revelations will have on your daughter.

You say he's still in contact with her and loves her very much, of course he does, she is his daughter, he has been a father to her for 10 years, since she was 1 year old. Why can she not continue to have this relationship with him. And why does the fact that he got a girl pregnant and then lost the baby have anything to do with whether or not you tell your daughter?

you've shown your intent with your final sentence 'As far as am concerned he's lost everything for his new girlfrind.' He hasn't lost everything, what you mean is your going to yake his daughter away from because he's left you. I think you should wake up and realise that the satisfaction you get from the hurt this will cause him is nothing compared to the devastation your daughter will fell when you take away her Father.

In my opinion secrets like this should never be kept, and have to come out one day. This is not the time though, do not use this information as ammunition against your partner who has wronged you. Your daughter will get horrendously injured in the crossfire. you musat tell your daughter once your anger has past, allow yourself to grieve and get over this betrayal and once you are yourself again, however long it may take, tell your daughter calmly then, when the intention of the revelation is simply to be honest, not to hurt and destroy.

[minime123]

Am ino way doing this 2 hurt him as he is the 1 who has wanted it 2 be done even b4 will split. But I am scard incase she find out of some1 else. Think that would hurt her even more.

Iam in no way planning on using her to hurt him in any way, just feel that this has to be done sooner that later for all of us.

[aims1202]

Sorry i havent read all the answers.
I just wanted to say that i think the sooner you tell her the better. Personally i would have told her at a very young age so she grew up just knowing and it would then have been very easy to except. And answered her questions about it as she grew up.
Dont worry though as she is still young and although it will be difficult for her at first i'm sure she will be ok. All you need to do it be honest and answer all her questions as best you can. She will need a lot of comfort and even if she is angry towards you she will need understanding and to be helped through it. Let her talk about her feelings if she wants to. She'll also need reassurance that her dad, as he still is the dad she knows and loves, is still there as her dad and it doesnt really change anything. That is whats important.
I wish you all the best.

[twizzle]

I think you are better off telling her. I had to tell my children the same thing when they were about your daughters age, and like you i was terrified of doing it but terrified of them finding out from someone else. Be prepared for lots of questions about the biological father answer them honestly but dont put the man down unnecessarily(she may chose to contact him in the future).My children did speak about contacting him but a few years down the line and they havent. They still totally look at my late husband as their dad. I hope it goes well for you.

[nannon]

i dont think you should tell her now - wrongly she may blame herself in some way for either the break up or for the man not being her dad.
Yousaid you didnt want her to hear it from anyon else - who else knows??

[billbobaggin]

tell her the sooner the better. Relate will also support you and her with this matter. dont leave it any longer it will do no good.

[bubblegum-31]

hi minime123
i really do sympathise with your situation, i was adopted by my father when i was a baby and my mother was told by a health visitor that she should start to tell me at the age 2 my mum thought this was silly and they both decided to tell me when i was a bit older, needless to say the birthdays came and went and they ended up telling me when i was 21 i was really hurt when they told me and couldnt take it in but then i realised that my dad IS my real dad he is the one that has always been there for me and dried my tears when ive been upset etc etc, you are better off telling your daughter when she is young, i personally wouldve preferred to have been told younger than 21, alot younger,
good luck and i hope it all goes well for you
take care