Family & Relationships0 min ago
My ex wanting children at xmas (sorry i know its early)!!!
35 Answers
I have just had a phone call from my ex.
He wanted to talk about this christmas, he says he wants to have our 3 children on christmas day as he only see them last two christmas's on boxing day.
Last year i tried to comprimise in saying he could have them about 11 and they could stay over, so we both see out children on christmas day, this was not enough for him he wanted the whole day or nothing atall, in the end he had them boxing day.
Now he wants them christmas day and i really dont want him to have them. He pays nothing to me for the children and he works and earns good money (have been chasing through csa). He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter. He sees our children on a regular basis one night a week, yet still he pays me nothing.
I really dont see why i should let him have the children on xmas day this year, if my sons were not at home i dont think i would even want to get out of bed, what would be the point?
I want to say again to him about having them in the afternoon but i know he will say no, adn there will be an argument.
I dont know whether to ask the children what they would like to do, but dont want them to feel like im making them choose, just say something like ' would you like to see daddy on xmas day or boxing day and it doesnt matter which day i wont mind'. they are 11, 8 and 6.
As an extra thought he always has tried to control me, he wouldnt let me re-mortgage etc., and has always stood in the way of my trying to move on.
Or shall i just tell my ex no as that is really what i want to say, its so hard to know what to do for the best??
any advice would be greatly appreciated.x
He wanted to talk about this christmas, he says he wants to have our 3 children on christmas day as he only see them last two christmas's on boxing day.
Last year i tried to comprimise in saying he could have them about 11 and they could stay over, so we both see out children on christmas day, this was not enough for him he wanted the whole day or nothing atall, in the end he had them boxing day.
Now he wants them christmas day and i really dont want him to have them. He pays nothing to me for the children and he works and earns good money (have been chasing through csa). He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter. He sees our children on a regular basis one night a week, yet still he pays me nothing.
I really dont see why i should let him have the children on xmas day this year, if my sons were not at home i dont think i would even want to get out of bed, what would be the point?
I want to say again to him about having them in the afternoon but i know he will say no, adn there will be an argument.
I dont know whether to ask the children what they would like to do, but dont want them to feel like im making them choose, just say something like ' would you like to see daddy on xmas day or boxing day and it doesnt matter which day i wont mind'. they are 11, 8 and 6.
As an extra thought he always has tried to control me, he wouldnt let me re-mortgage etc., and has always stood in the way of my trying to move on.
Or shall i just tell my ex no as that is really what i want to say, its so hard to know what to do for the best??
any advice would be greatly appreciated.x
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I agree, it's not the kids fault his not paying.
At the end of the day he is their father and they love him no matter what. You have to give them a say or they will only end up hating you for it.
I've been there, still am actually, but whatever happens in the future my kids or ex can never say I wasn't fair. It's hard but in the long run, if you don't share your be the bad guy and the kids could end up hating you for it.
At the end of the day he is their father and they love him no matter what. You have to give them a say or they will only end up hating you for it.
I've been there, still am actually, but whatever happens in the future my kids or ex can never say I wasn't fair. It's hard but in the long run, if you don't share your be the bad guy and the kids could end up hating you for it.
I've never used the 'pay or you wont see them' he sees them very regularly, one night a week and some times through the week he has one child a night, i have always bent over backwards for him.
Its not really the money issue, what im saying is he tries to compensate for NOT paying any money through the year by goign over the top at christmas, wereas i struggle, scrimp and scrape all through the year to keep my boys, fed, clothes and warm and happy and he just throws toys at them, and wants this privleged at christmas at seeing that wide opened mouths from all the presents he has brought them.
My youngest is starting to not even value the concept of things now, it was his birthday today and i got him e presents costing around �70 and he said is that all, his dad got loads more. Now all im saying is my ex wants them xmas day all day from xmas night and i wont get them back until late xmas day, yes i can give them a nice boxing day and treat it as another xmas day, but i cant give them half as much as he could. I know they will be dissapointed. Im trying to teach them the value things and its the 'thought thats counts' and all that.
I dont know why i should have to miss them xmas day when i spend my life caring for them and every thing i do is for them.
I do think i will ask them and tell them it does not matter what they want to do, and if they decide to go to thier dads i will put on a brave face, it will totally kill me but its what they woudl have wanted to do.
legend just to put the record striaght it was me who lost feelings for him so it was other way round, and im divorcing him.
Thanks for all your comments you have helped x
Its not really the money issue, what im saying is he tries to compensate for NOT paying any money through the year by goign over the top at christmas, wereas i struggle, scrimp and scrape all through the year to keep my boys, fed, clothes and warm and happy and he just throws toys at them, and wants this privleged at christmas at seeing that wide opened mouths from all the presents he has brought them.
My youngest is starting to not even value the concept of things now, it was his birthday today and i got him e presents costing around �70 and he said is that all, his dad got loads more. Now all im saying is my ex wants them xmas day all day from xmas night and i wont get them back until late xmas day, yes i can give them a nice boxing day and treat it as another xmas day, but i cant give them half as much as he could. I know they will be dissapointed. Im trying to teach them the value things and its the 'thought thats counts' and all that.
I dont know why i should have to miss them xmas day when i spend my life caring for them and every thing i do is for them.
I do think i will ask them and tell them it does not matter what they want to do, and if they decide to go to thier dads i will put on a brave face, it will totally kill me but its what they woudl have wanted to do.
legend just to put the record striaght it was me who lost feelings for him so it was other way round, and im divorcing him.
Thanks for all your comments you have helped x
I totally agree with the previous posts.
I have always felt uncomfortable with the idea of paying to see your child..
What about the thousands of dads who pay maintenance and don't see their child/ren? the CSA have always claimed they don't and won't get involved in contact issues ~ the only right a father seems to have is to pay the money.
That stinks.
I have always felt uncomfortable with the idea of paying to see your child..
What about the thousands of dads who pay maintenance and don't see their child/ren? the CSA have always claimed they don't and won't get involved in contact issues ~ the only right a father seems to have is to pay the money.
That stinks.
''I don't know why I should have to miss them Christmas Day when I spend my life caring for them and everything I do is for them''
That is my point. This is about you and not the children, isn't it? as you say you were the one to end the marriage ~ why should the children or their dad not have a christmas day together? it is ONE day.
That is my point. This is about you and not the children, isn't it? as you say you were the one to end the marriage ~ why should the children or their dad not have a christmas day together? it is ONE day.
Yes it is sad, and you have every right to feel sad ~ heck I felt like that for years...however divorce is never easy..especially when kids are involved.
Please don't get them involved in money issues. If they do ask why they can't go, will you tell them it's because of the fact that you have raised them, do all the hard work and he doesn't pay? I'm afraid that is punishing the kids through choice :o(
Ask them what they want to do.
Please don't get them involved in money issues. If they do ask why they can't go, will you tell them it's because of the fact that you have raised them, do all the hard work and he doesn't pay? I'm afraid that is punishing the kids through choice :o(
Ask them what they want to do.
I will ask them what they want to do, its not about me at all as i did say i will do whatever they want, as i said it will still kill me but its what they want, i still have to ask them yet, what im saying is he is trying to buy them by throwing loads of toys at them, yet he see us struggle and me porn jewllery just to get gas etc.
Also just to put record striaght i ended the marragie as he has two affairs and he got arrested for fracturing my ribs, so i didnt end the marragie just for nothing.
Also just to put record striaght i ended the marragie as he has two affairs and he got arrested for fracturing my ribs, so i didnt end the marragie just for nothing.
I have had the same thing, confused.
We had more children to buy for as I had another two children with my partner..who was also paying maintenance for his daughter. It was tough..especially considering my ex earned twice the amount my partner did.
When they are young, kids see the presents and think 'wow!' in my experience as they have got older they have seen that the time spent is more worthwhile than the money.
I was left alone in the marriage ~ my ex walked out..and I still felt guilty. However it was still a partnership and you both have to think of the kids first no matter what issues surface within the marriage or divorce. None of it is the kids fault, and by bringing adult feelings into the equation it pushes guilt onto the kids.
As I have mentioned before, there are thousands of dads who can't get to see their kids at all yet they are legally obliged to pay. That is hardly fair either ~ but as the CSA points out, money and contact are two separate issues...and if your ex decides to spend a fortune on presents then there is nothing you can do about it.
We had more children to buy for as I had another two children with my partner..who was also paying maintenance for his daughter. It was tough..especially considering my ex earned twice the amount my partner did.
When they are young, kids see the presents and think 'wow!' in my experience as they have got older they have seen that the time spent is more worthwhile than the money.
I was left alone in the marriage ~ my ex walked out..and I still felt guilty. However it was still a partnership and you both have to think of the kids first no matter what issues surface within the marriage or divorce. None of it is the kids fault, and by bringing adult feelings into the equation it pushes guilt onto the kids.
As I have mentioned before, there are thousands of dads who can't get to see their kids at all yet they are legally obliged to pay. That is hardly fair either ~ but as the CSA points out, money and contact are two separate issues...and if your ex decides to spend a fortune on presents then there is nothing you can do about it.
Confused, my answer regarding payments was not aimed at yourself but the idiots who see paying maintenance and access as one in the same issue.
I was in exactly the same position as you are now 14/15 years ago when for a number of years all I could afford to buy my daughter was about �30 worth of presents for xmas and even less for birthdays. You may have heard this before, but it is true - once your children are at the age of realising about costs etc and what parents do etc (prolly when they have their own kids lol) they will realise exactly who their dad tried to 'buy' their love with expensive presents where as you gave love in many other ways by providing food, clothes etc and did it at a struggle because of lack of money form your ex.
I completely understand what you are saying about xmas day and why should he have them BUT, I stick by my original opinion that as you have had them for the last 2 years, his request is reasonable but I see no reasin why he cannot collect them xmas day morning after they have opened presenst you have bought them. Believe me please when I say, your boys WILL thank YOU and not him, in the end! Mine has :)
I also think your idea of asking the children is excellent and please, if they choose thier dads, try not to show you are upset about their choice. They will only feel guilt about it and that won't be good
Best of luck!
ojx
I was in exactly the same position as you are now 14/15 years ago when for a number of years all I could afford to buy my daughter was about �30 worth of presents for xmas and even less for birthdays. You may have heard this before, but it is true - once your children are at the age of realising about costs etc and what parents do etc (prolly when they have their own kids lol) they will realise exactly who their dad tried to 'buy' their love with expensive presents where as you gave love in many other ways by providing food, clothes etc and did it at a struggle because of lack of money form your ex.
I completely understand what you are saying about xmas day and why should he have them BUT, I stick by my original opinion that as you have had them for the last 2 years, his request is reasonable but I see no reasin why he cannot collect them xmas day morning after they have opened presenst you have bought them. Believe me please when I say, your boys WILL thank YOU and not him, in the end! Mine has :)
I also think your idea of asking the children is excellent and please, if they choose thier dads, try not to show you are upset about their choice. They will only feel guilt about it and that won't be good
Best of luck!
ojx
Thanks for your replies it has helped, i will ask them and i wont let them see any upset in me. I know my ex wont compromise in letting me see them in the morning he wants them xmas eve to stay the night and then i get them back xmas evening.
I have always done me best to not show the kids any bitterness about there dad and it has worked, sometimes my eldest says bad things about his dad, but i always tell him off for speaking about his dad like that.
I will let you know what they decide, thing is if they say something like they want to see us both,. then i will be stumped, as he wont agree to having them half day each.
I have always done me best to not show the kids any bitterness about there dad and it has worked, sometimes my eldest says bad things about his dad, but i always tell him off for speaking about his dad like that.
I will let you know what they decide, thing is if they say something like they want to see us both,. then i will be stumped, as he wont agree to having them half day each.
hiya... i have already had this discussion with my ex...what we have done for the last few years is...my son goes to his dads xmas eve and sleeps over, then I get him back at about 1pm on xmas day so i still get to have lunch etc with him. Works for us as i can go out and get hammered on xmas eve and not have an early start and he gets to see us both... if i had to sit around on my own on xmas afternoon/evening without my son i would be very sad...
xx
xx
natterley i wishes so much my ex would do that, but he wants them the whole day until the evening! i am going to try and talk him round.
Zzzzzzz i thinks that they should be in the confort of their own home they have they own beds etc., at their dads they all share a room also with my ex's girlfriends daughter, so four in one room. i dont think it fair he wont let me see them for half the day and wants the WHOLE day.
Zzzzzzz i thinks that they should be in the confort of their own home they have they own beds etc., at their dads they all share a room also with my ex's girlfriends daughter, so four in one room. i dont think it fair he wont let me see them for half the day and wants the WHOLE day.
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