Nephew from a bad relationship.........

[HJT40]

I had my nephew (8) stay with me over the weekend because both of his parents had plans (separately). I am not sure if I am being too over sensitive on my feelings now that he has gone home. I am pleased that he feels comfortable with me, but he feels so comfortable that he doesn't think he is restricted as to where he goes, i.e. looking for cats in all bedrooms, wardrobes, under beds etc, this includes mine and my daughters room. If I tell the dog off, he also tells the dog off. If we go in to a shop he will pick up a book or something and head towards the till expecting me to pay for it. In every shop he wants something, but I am of limited means and feel awkward keep saying "no put it back". Now I have been "told off" by his Dad, my Brother, because he never washed at my house, although he did spend an amazing amount of time in the bathroom - doing what I don't know!! May I also say that his Dad is also quite happy to wander the house as though he lives there!

To say his mum and dad don't get on is an understatement, they sleep in seperate rooms and bicker constantly and are very inconsistent with him. But his visit has left me feeling as though it is not an experience I want to go through again for a long time.

Maybe I am old fashioned in that he seems to have little or no respect for much. Is this because of his home life? Is there anything that I can do if he were to stay again?

Sorry for moaning, he is my nephew but he leaves me feeling empty and I know I shouldn't feel like that.

[happyalien]

it is a difficult one. Children don't seem to be brought up to know what respect means. Could it be that his mum and dad are so embroiled in their bickering that this is going un noticed? Perhaps he is picking up some traits from them. I think you need to be firm and consistent when he is with you, making sure he knows the boundaries in your house and that includes not going in to areas that are not acceptable, i.e. other bedrooms to have a nosey! Make sure that you are fair with him so that if he decides to "tell tales" you know that you are not in the wrong. Perhaps then you could discuss these tales with him in front of his Dad?

[andy-hughes]

I'd agree with the previous answer.

Just because your nephew's parents don't seem to teach him appropriate behaviour is no reason why you shouldn;t do so in your own situation.

At eight, he is of an age where he knows what 'no' means, in what ever area you chose to use it, and you certainly shouldn;t feel bad for laying down a few basic rules about areas of access in your own home.

I would be equally firm with your brother in a similar way.

Just because they are your relatives, does not give anyone the right to behave in your house as they do in their own, and it is for you to enforce your rules to have things your way.

If it makes things uncomfortable, ride it out, but the way children operate, your nephew will actually appreciate some guidlnes and knowing where he is at your home, and it may even increase his desire to come and visit!

Your brother may be more difficult, but bite the bullet, and talk it over with him.

Just be firm, and calm, and he will soon learn that respect is something you offer, and expect, and the rules are there at your house.

[Ice-Maiden]

I can't add anything, only to say that I agree with both of these answers. Best of luck.

[VillageVicar]

There are some complex issues at hand here. First there is the issue of respect. Certainly the lad should not be having Carte Blanche to do whatever he likes and wandering through your bedrooms. However, I gather this is not the first time. So has a precedent already been established and the boy isn�t clear what his boundaries are?

Clearly there are issues of dynamics within the family structure. The deterioration of his parents relationship wil no doubt play heavily on the boy. Just because he does not discuss it or appear to be immune to it doesn�t mean he�s not affected by it. It may be possible that some of these behaviours are manifest from his own anxieties and he actually sees you, your home and your personality as freedoms from an otherwise oppressive and destructive environment. My guess, is that his behaviour at school is similar.

I feel it�s important for you to discuss this with your brother � not your sister in law, explaining your feelings as well as your concerns. Should you anticipate having the boy in your home again, make it conditional, ensuring that your brother knows what will happen in advance, plus being supportive of you and your statement to your nephew.

Continued:

[VillageVicar]

Part 2

Sit down with the boy and your brother. Tell him how disappointed you were in his behaviour during his last visit and say clearly �this is not behaviour that we tolerate in our home,� or alternatively, �this is not what we do in our home � we respect one another.� Further explain that there are boundaries: he is not to enter your or your daughter�s room without express permission. He is to bath, brush his teeth, etc. on a regular basis. And especially he is to be respectful of your wishes. Finally, I would not only ask him to acknowledge that he fully understands what you have said. Ask him to offer you some ideas as to what would be an appropriate response should he not respect your wishes. You may be surprised by his responses. Often children are harsher on themselves than you would have been. Nevertheless, by asking him to define the boundaries and associated penalties for disrespecting those penalties, you are assured that not only he, but his father are aware of �cause and effect.�

I might also add that there is nothing wrong with having a quiet conversation with your brother � away from your nephew or his wife � stating your own wishes that he would respect your privacy as well. If he brushes you off, or belittles you in any way, then I�d suggest that perhaps it�s better that they not be invited back, except at times when you�re ready to endure the circus.

I wish you every success

Fr Bill

[baileybird]

i agree with fr bill (wonderful man)

maybe this boy is allowed to get away with murder to compensate for the fact that things are not good at home.

May be you should have a list of ground rules that you could go through with him at home nexttime he comes. I t would be a shame not to have him as he clearly feels very comfortable with you.

I would tell him when out ' i am afraid i cannot afford to buy you anything today, but maybe you can have a treat at the end of the weekend if you are good'.

i am suprised to hear that your brother is critical of how you have looked after him. i would remind him that it is indeed YOU doing HIM the favour by having your nephew. I am sure 2 days of not thoroughly washing is not that much of a problem, even if it were true.

as a mother of 2 teenage boys he is in for a shock if he thinks this is not normal. most lads shower on lynx deodorant after the age of 11 until a lass arrives on the scene!!

I do believe that it is not you with the prolem. It is definately coming from home, and he was probably over excited as it sounds like a treat at your home.

What a lovely aunty and tolerant sister.

Its not moaning, but the values some people have differ from mine and yours!!!

[sense4all]

Stick up some house rules in a shared area such as the kitchen, those are the rules for everyone to follow. Kids are very good at understanding that different places have different rules. I just would not buy him a thing in every shop, if his parents do that is their problem not yours, do not encourage this expectation. Sit him down at the begining of his visit and tell him you'll do x,y or z as a reward at the end of his visit ... trip to cinema or baking kids love 'making ' especially if they don't do it at home. If he is stuff junkie I'd let him loose with five bucks/quid in a dollar / pound store you would be amazed at the quantity of tat you can secure for a small sum in those places. If all else fails karma dictates that it is ok to purchase him a drum for Christmas ( not a machine where you risk the battery 'running out' ) lol.

[HJT40]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. It is good to be able to say how I am feeling and to get such good answers.

Villagevicar - you are right, when I moved in not so long ago they would be at the house when I was at work, being helpful and sorting out my kitchen, but I was not there to lay down any rules, I guess I figured that the toilet is downstairs and there would be no need to go upstairs!!

Baileybird, my brother went away when he was the same age for a week with the school and he came back with a dry flannel and toothpaste still unopened!! ;-)

Thank you again!