Domestic Violence

[FEELINLOST]

If you have been with someone for 10 years and its been a rocky relationship because of the things you have done, what do u do?

I met my partner at a young age and did a lot of lying at the beginning and really wasn't a good person. I have hurt my partner a number of times and he has stuck by me through thick and thin.

In the past 5 or 6 years if I have done things which have upset him or made him angry it will result in violence on occassion.

I'm close to my partners family but really don't know how to handle the situation anymore. Am I being selfish as really I have hurt my partner emotionaly and yet he has stayed with me but now I can no longer face the violence and feel scared and confused.

Do I really deserve this despite what I have done to my partner?

Any advice please-thank you

[keenafree]

Hello FEELINLOST,

As a mother of 2 young adults as well as a sister to someone who suffered domestic violence from 2 husbands...I would say that you need to stop wasting your time with someone that is hurting you. It can escalate quickly and your life is worth more than staying just because you have been together so long.

It sounds like "he" needs to talk to someone about his violence. I would recommend a pastor or Christian counselor if you are Christians. If not, a psychologist. You also need to talk with someone and not deal with this on your own. You sound like you blame yourself for his violent outbursts. Nothing you could do or say should cause him to hit you (unless he was defending himself from you attacking him physically).

Since I'm a committed Christian, I have to preach a little to you...if you're not married, there may be a respect and commitment issue. The whole relationship is not right (from God's perspective) and needs to be corrected in some way. You both need Christ, but that's beside the point.

You need to be and feel safe. If you distance yourself and let a few trusted friends or family members know about the situation (for your own protection), you could give him a chance to change (but remember you need to change also). If he doesn't think he needs to change, I would recommended ending the relationship (in as civilized a way possible). If he makes promises, but doesn't do anything to start changing his behavior, watch out.

Please let me know if you need any further advice from me. I'll check back soon.

[FEELINLOST]

Hello keenafree, I have only just seen your response, for some reason it appears I have posted my question twice by accident.

Thank you very much for your advice, I am not married but engaged to be! I know it may sound strange with this type of relationship but funny enough my partner has said he wants to marry & have children and yet I have been reluctant. But he doesn't seem to realise that our relationship should be dealt with before all that.

He & I are both religious but I have not been baptised.
He is 10 yrs older than me and we have been together almost 10yrs but I still don't know what to do. We will have some good days but when he gets angry I just freeze with fear because I'm affraid of what he might do.

I have tried to seek proffesional help for myself & our relatioship but my partner has said that I need to do it myself and not get a stranger involved.

We are in October and still are things the same, I have been advised by others on answerbank to leave but I'm still here, weak, with no strength and lost....................