Help!!

[banjobabe]

My daughter has lived with her father for the last 3 and a half years, she started year 11 in September. Her father has now decided that he cannot possibly handle her a second longer as she has serious attitude and does not do enough cleaning in the house. All was reasonably fine until he split up with his partner a few months ago. Basically his partner used to parent my daughter as her father doesn't seem to know how. He is now insisting that she move back with me. I live 160 miles away. She will have to start a new school and make new friends and is devastated. I have tried to get help from Social Services with regard to my daughter being fostered until she has finished school but they tell me this is impossible. It may be that she will have to start year 11 again as a lot of the coursework will be irrelevant to this area.
Anyone advice or guidance would be much appreciated.

BB x

[paulamathers]

as a mother, I would never let my daughter leave my care! If he can't handle her, you shouldn't even be considering putting her in care! She's your daughter, take responsability and look after her! Move closer to her if that helps her, or pay for extra tutoring so she is at the same level as the kids in the school near to you. Just because she takes her exams next year doesn't mean you have to shove her off to someone else!

[banjobabe]

Thank you for that.

It's not about me not taking responsibility for my daughter it's about her being able to finish the school year. If there was any way that I could find a job and accommodation in the area I would do it immediately unfortunately I do not have that kind of money or time. Her father is insisting that she leave NOW.

I am not trying to palm my daughter off on anyone else I am trying to make her life a little easier.

She is absolutely devastated at the thought of having to move so far away from her friends. I do hope you will never be in a situation like this as I am not sure you would be very supportive of your child.

[andy-hughes]

I sympathise totally with your situation, and you must have your daughter's welfare at heart to have posted as you have.

My advice would be to bite the bullet, bring her back with you, and start as you mean to go on, with a firm but loving approach to her.

You will find she will adjust far quicker than she - or you - think, and if you provide enough security at home, she will settle and loose most of the 'attitude'.

Growing up is hard at any age, especially in the situation, and your daughter's insecurity needs to be stopped, and her self-esteem mended, and your careing for her made obvious to her.

I wouldn't panic too much about her re-taking a year at this age - being secure at home with her mum who loves her is what she needs right now - the rest will fall into place.

You will get through this - promise. Be strong.

Thinking of you.

[banjobabe]

Thank you.

Personally I don't think she has an attitude, that's her Dad's opinion. She seems to be doing really well at school and it seems such a same that it should go to waste, I just hope that when she starts school here her school work doesn't take a nose dive.

I'm sure it will all come out in the wash so to speak, I was just hoping that someone would have a different take on it. I'm afraid that I can't see the woods for the trees.

I will be really happy to have her home as I have missed her tremendously but at the end of the day I want to make her life as easy as I can as her Dad has been such a sh**t to her.

Thank you for your kind words. xx

[Ice-Maiden]

Poor, poor girl. Her father doesn't seem to want her, her mum can't or won't have her. I'm so sorry to hear about your problem Banjobabe, but feel more sorry for your daughter. I don't know what's happened, but I have to agree with paulamathers. I'd go to hell and back before I'd part with either of my children - and although I don't know why she didn't stay with you in the first place, I think your daughter needs you now, more than ever.

[banjosister]

It is interesting to see other people's perspective. Obviously the situation is very involved and I would be here for weeks to go into it. What is best for the mother is not always best for the child. My daughter and I were going through a very difficult time and she wanted to live with her Dad and he wanted to have her. It was not for me to say she cannot live with her Dad he is her parent too. I have always tried to do what is best for my daughter at the time. It may not turn out to be the best with hindsight but my daughter has the right to make decisions about her own life. The decision I made at the time was not taken lightly.

Neither is it that I can't or won't have her. I want her to come home. I have just spoken to her and what she wants is to stay with her friends. She will have to accept that she will eventually come back here. Even if she finishes school she will then come home to go to college. I am trying to find a solution that will fit all. IAM NOT THE PRIORITY HERE.

Thank you for all your thoughts as I have thought long and hard about the general perspective on here.

BBxx (this is home so I'm BS here!)

[Lil O'lady]

Banj - don't let the school thing be a barrier to her coming back to you. Most of the work is generic by year 11 and she can pick up /carry on with largely from from what she did at her old school. A school of even basic decency will liaise with ther last school to make sure courseworks etc are seamless as possible. The coursework is submitted to a national board, it doesn't matter what geographical area you are resident in.

She will keep in touch with her mates - an make new ones - online.

[banjobabe]

Thanx Lil,

I'm trying to do what is best for my daughter and I do not want to disturb her too much if it is not necessary. Unfortunately there have been developments from her father which I think will mean she will have to come back to me and start a new school here.

To be honest I can't wait to have her home I just don't think she is going to feel the same way!

Thank you to everyone for their input it has really made me think about my reasons for doing what I have been doing. I want to do what is best for her not me.

BB xx

[tboo]

Hi banjobabe
Unless your daughter is willing to move and start afresh in a new school there probably isn't any reasonable solutions to your difficult situation.
Has your daughters got any friends that are able to put her up until her schooling has finished or any relatives?

[banjobabe]

Cheers tboo,

Thank you very much for your answer. I have to say I was quite shocked by the initial answers, everyone seemed to assume that I didn't want her which is not the case at all. After reading some of the answers I was beginning to doubt my intentions and thought long and hard about what I was doing. It is a very difficult situation and I wanted to do what was best for my daughter. Her Dad was abusing me by text on a daily basis accusing me of passing the 'problem' on to someone else.

My daughter stayed with her best friend for nearly two weeks which I organised. Unfortunately, because I am so far away, developments occured that I was not privvy to. Her Dad has persuaded her to go home to him saying he will change and even have parenting classes (lol) she believes him of course and has merrily trundled back.

With hindsight I now wish I had collected her lock, stock and barrel in the first instance and bought her home.

I have told her that if it gets bad again she will have to come home to me, so now she says she won't tell me if it gets bad again as she just wants to stay there with her friends and her life.

I am really angry about the situation. Because I did not do what her Dad wanted he overrode my decisions. He will not be getting my support in the future.

He would not speak to me for 8 years after we split up, even when my daughter went to live with him. If I ever telephoned him he would put the phone down as soon as he realised it was me! I have only been able to contact my daughter by her mobile as he would not allow me to have the home phone number. There have been times when he has taken the home and mobile phones away from my daughter so that she can not contact me at all.

She has now made a decision which she is entitled to do at her age. I have told her that along with decisions she also has to accept the consequences of her