In a bit of a pickle :-(

[natalie_1982]

My grandad is poorly in hospital, he has a leaky valve in his heart that is leaking fluid into his lungs and I have been visitng him everyday as, apart from my nan who is 75, he has no family nearby (they all live about 200miles away). I went to visit Saturday and the nurse says he has now caught a bug and because I am pregnant I shouldn't visit him, so I feel crap now because he looked so little and lonely when I left the hospital, but if I visit then I am putting baby at risk.
I have loads going on at home - we will be fitting a new bathroom over Xmas and new internal doors, as well as having to decorate the hallway, landing and stairwell, and baby room and gut our bedroom before the baby arrives in April.
It's Christmas in less than two weks and hubby and I have fallen out because of his sister, and whether she is coming to lunch or not; she has been a nasty vindictive person and I have vowed that after putting up with it for five years I won't anymore, and although she is welcome to eat at ours Xmas day, do not expect me to roll out the red carpet and he now feels torn between upsetting me and upsetting his family - he says he doesn't want her at the house because of the way she behaves but it would upset his dad if she didn't come, I'm of the mind that how his dad feels is not my problem at this moment in time as I have plenty more to think about.
Then I have the normal pregnancy things like feeling frustrated and useless because I can't do as much as I could do before, my back hurts after a small amount of housework or sitting and wrapping presents for too long, and I feel really reliant on my hubby who has all this to think about too.
Anyone have any words of advice on how to be more proactive and sort it all out in my own head? My superhuman powers seem to have rusted somewhat :-(

[cameo]

With all that going on I'm not surprised your feeling 'stressed'.

The only advice I can give you is to take one thing at a time. Regarding the work you are doing on your home, don't panic about it, I'm sure it will all be done on time - even though if your anything like me, you'll want it done NOW!!!
Sorry to hear about your Grandad, but until he gets rid of the bug, there's nothing you can do. Phone the ward every day and ask them to pass on a message to him, so he knows that you've phoned.
Regarding your hubbys sister - you say that he doesn't want her to come but doesn't want to upset his dad - let him know how you feel but tell him that ultimately the decision is his and you will support him whatever he decides, it's not worth you two falling out over it.
I totally understand the feelings of frustration when you can't do what you want, just do things in small doses, it will all get done, it'll just take a little longer!!
Christmas is a stressful time for many people, if you find it getting too much just put your feet up for 10 minutes, have a cup of tea, bar of chocolate and things should seem better.
Hope you have a calm Christmas and a stressless New Year. x

[Pesk]

Blimey - all your involvement with stuff makes me feel pretty innactive. But to try to help:
1) Your grandad - the nurses are right and you mustn't put your baby at risk. I'm sure your nan understands this. Perhaps because you've been holding the fort, the other family members haven't felt the need to get thenmselved organised to visit. Perhaps now they will especially with Christmas around the cormer.
2) Sister in law - tricky one! It sounds as if people are used to coming to your's for Christmas and you've become used to putting up with their ways. It also sounds as if you are a very generous with your time. This was the norm but now things have changed - you're pregnant and your priorities are different. Still have folks for Christmas but with condidtions. Explain that because of everything that's happening at home and with your condtion, people will have to take you as they find you and that they might have jobs. With our family christmases we all had jobs - someone to make cups of tea. someone to always make sure the dishwasher was full/put on/emptied etc. Sometimes it's hard to be gracious with folk but try to not fall out with them and don't let it become a source of argument between you & hubby. Put strict time limits on the visit so you & hubby have time to yourselves.
Do not become a martyr - I speak form personal experience - I once caught myself actually enjoying the feeling of being ****** off with people - gave me an excuse to be grumpy!

[redcrx]

awww natalie, sending you huge hugs!

firstly, your grandad, there is no way on earth that he would want you to visit if it put baby at risk. You know that! Keep clear and maybe you can write some notes for him and send them with other visitors, just to show that you miss your visits?

as for your sister in law and xmas. Can i ask what role your hubby plays at xmas? Does he just act as host while you do the running around? or is he more invlved?

Do the family come to you every year? Id be tempted to try and get xmas elsewhere this year as being that pregnant it wont be easy and also its last xmas alone before the baby arrives.

[bill preston]

Natalie..... sorry your grandads ill, would it be possible for your husband to sit with him for a short while or does he not know him/is the bug something that could be passed on?

your sister in law................ i know how that feels!!, my wife despises my sister and whenever my sister comes i feel on edge just in case it kicks off??

i am sorry i have no advice but i do hope everything turns out great for you!!

[natalie_1982]

Awww, thanks for your posts both. I guess it is just a case of putting things in order ad taking a step back, but it's so hard for me to let go pof the reigns, I'm independant and I do find it hard asking people for help or relying on others.

My dad has been down to visit my grandad, he travelled down last week, but sadly, my uncles haven't yet, one will I am sure, but the other is a selfish so-and-so and no doubt the next time I see him will be someone's funeral, if he deigns to turn up of course :-P

My sis-in-law is an endless cause of problems, and despite my trying to help her over the years, as you point out, my prioties have changed now. I don't want to fall out with my fella, but I guess if I treat this Xmas as a last chance saloon as far as she is concerned he is pre-warned for next year, because I have vowed that she won't be behaving in her normal way around the baby and if she doesn't get her act together that I am well within my rights to say no next year.

I know it seems trivial to what some people go through at Christmas, and I rarely get ruffled by things but everything seems to be happening at once at the moment!

Thanks again peeps xx

[natalie_1982]

Red and Bill, your answers weren't there when I posted!

You're right, my granddad wouldn't want to make me ill but I still feel bad leaving him on his own all day - he must get so bored!

This is the first year we are having the family to ours, we usually spend Xmas day visiting everyone else but are in our own home this year so invited everyone to us, which I am still looking forward to. As both of our parents are seperated we usual spend the festive season with everyone else, but this year said we're not leaving the house! Hubby is great at Christmas, he's helpful and patient and really tries his best, but I'm too damn independant!

I am looking forward to having time off between Christmas and New Year :-)

[redcrx]

lol I know what you mean about looking forward to the break!

If hubby is helpful then Im sure itll all be fine, just ask him to step in if his sister becomes too much. you and baby are his priority and he should learn to ease the stress youre under.

[Ice.Maiden]

Awww, Natalie - take things slowly. First of all, I can understand how you feel about your grandad. Are there no relatives or friends who could drop by and see him? If not, I know that some Councils run voluntary visiting groups. You could also send him cheerful little cards once or twice a week, to let him have something to do, and to know that you care. Next, contact your sister- in- law. explain how ragged you're feeling, and that she's welcome on condition that she behaves herself. Then it's up to her whether she takes up your offer. Finally - & most importantly, make time for yourself. Forget about housework, etc., & make sure you relax a bit each day - even if it's only to read the newspaper - x.

[natalie_1982]

Thanks for your answers everyone. I think I have deicded what to do with regard to the sister-in-law, and that is that tonight I will speak to hubby and tell him that I am willing to give her one last chance, and I 100% mean it this time, that if she puts on step out of line over Christmas then I am washing my hands of her and next Christmas she will not even be invited, as our child will come first and I don't want him / her around people like her. I want to make it clear to him that I am only doing this for his benefit, not his father's and not her's, and next year I expect the same in return. I know he feels torn, but fact is I simply wouldn't tolerate it from my family towards him and he knows this.
I am going to ring the hospital when I get in and see if grandad is well enough and if I am allowed to visit, and as for the housework / DIY, well it will just have to be done when it is done. As long as I don't have to go too long without a loo or a shower then I can cope.
Thanks for making me see things a bit more clearly, it does help to write things down and know that I am not going mental! :-)

XXX

[Le Chat]

natalie - Sorry for your predicament! However, I feel strongly that a man's priority should be towards his own wife and family, so whether he feels torn or not, he needs to support you on this one! I also think that if anything need 'sorting out' or saying to the sister-in-law, then he should be the one to tackle it. Apart from the fact that you have enough on your plate, she is his family and is his responsibility in this type of circumstance.
I am not religious but it does say in The Bible, that when a man (or woman) marries then they leave their parents and 'cleave' to their wife! Good luck and I hope your xmas is enjoyable.
K

[natalie_1982]

Thanks K, that is exactly how I see it in that I would always, and have done, put his feelings first because that's why I married him. We had a good long chat last night and seem to be making headway, he just wants to please everybody and that isn't possible all the time!

[topogigo]

I know exactly where you are coming from, i have just recently spent most of my time chasing my tail, juggling my loyalties and not being able to please everyone. This is life as we know it sometimes, so what do you do?
Well whatever it is probably won't sort it all out so just do what you can, if i was your GD i would expect you to stay out of the hospital, i am sure he is not disappointed not being able to see you, it is the how it has to be nowadays, i think he will know you love and care about him. All your other troubles, well thay will all be history soon, i am a builder so i live in peoples disrupted lives and it is all ok when it is done and your house looks nice,
Until everything is calm again sit yourself down with a good book and stroke your belly with a big smile on your face.
Colin x

[Seafarer1966]

I had 14 years of this rubbish at Christmas...I used to get served last at the in-laws Christmas table..blah...blah...blah. Write to your grandad regularly, look forward to having your baby and sod the rest of them.