what should i do?

[hollberry]

hi, im 21 and married with a 4 year old son, i love him dearly but of course he is a handfull, up until reasently i have been certain that i would have no more children because i find it hard with just one and when i baby sit for my sisters children im pulling my hair out my the end, but lately i have been craving the feel of holding a baby and the smell of a baby's head and so on but i still have the same feelings of not being ready.
i know this all sounds fairly strait forward, i should simply wait until i am sure i am ready and then decide.
unfortunately, my mum is very ill and when i told her about this she said "i thought you were'nt having any more kids"
i told her i was just thinking about it and we went on from there but later when we were talking she said "if you are going to have any more then do it soon so i will still be here to see them"
and so now i dont know what to do...
i feel i should eather have another one now if im ready or not or decide out right that i will never have anymore but my husband would love me to have another and my son wants a brother or sister and so the conflict is non stop.
any advise would be appretiated
thanks in advance

[garner]

Hi hollberry dont get pregnant for your mother as much as you love her, its you who will have to care for your baby not your mother same with your husband and son.Its down to how you feel to take on another life and as you know thats what it amounts too [another life] to care for. You yourself will know when its time to increase your family just dont do it for someone else, its your responsibility and its a big one as you know. Take time with your thoughts and think well on it. Good luck .g

[bednobs]

what a cheek - talk about emotional blackmail. i dont really understand how at 21 you can be so black and white about things - ie have one now or NEVER have any more. You have a good 20 child bearing years ahead of you! circumstances and minds have plenty of tie to change - i am 33 and i certainly dont always have the same ideas about things as i did when i was 21!

[Ice.Maiden]

If you don't cope well with the son you have now, then having another child before you're fully ready seems a ridiculous idea. A friend of mine's due to give birth after a 12 year gap (she's 30), but felt as you do at your age. She really hasn't felt like having another child until now, but maturity's given her a different slant on things. Remember that a child deserves a lot of your love, time & attention. Your little boy still needs that as well, so if you can't manage it, don't have another one until you're sure.

[Bohne]

This was an awful thing to say from your mother!!!

You are very right in thinking that you should wait until YOU are ready.
You being ready is important for YOU and your BABY...

Your mother has one grandchild by you that she can shower with all her love!

[yes-doc]

Hi Hollberry,
i am replying a little late after your posting. There is certainly alot of advice saying wait. Because you can't cope.
Well I would look at it like this, having children is hard, but when then get 5,6 or 7 they are alot easier, having brothers or sister can be ore inspiring for each of them and someone to rely on in later years, the fun and agruements help make the person. Your mum is ill, she isn't being selfish by saying what she said, I suspect it was more to be included. Having a large age gap between children is very hard because once they're grown up, do you really want to start all over again?
When your faced with your own mortality you see things very clearly, some times simplicitically. And don't forget it wasn't the done thing in her day to have large age gaps.
Please don't view your mum as selfish.
Why do you think you have the need to hold a baby?
What are you doing wrong if your child is a handful? That's not a criticism by the way. Many parents through trying to do the right thing turn children into little monsters hence 'super nanny'.
If you remember no means no, yes means yes. If it's no once it's no every time, etc.
Have a think and see if you change your approach would it become easier and in turn would you desire another child?
I don't know if I've been any help, but I have tried to be objective and not just critise you mum, who you must love and worry about.
Take care

[hollberry]

i would just like to thank every one for their advise it has helped, but in the end it was my cousin who made my mind up for me.
she came to my house on christmas eve along with the rest of my family and brought along her tree month old son.
midway through the evening he started to cry and she was struggling to calm him and so i went to give her a break, i took the tiny baby in my arms and rocked him the way my mother had taught me to rock my son and he stopped crying and after a few minutes he was smiling.
my heart simply melted and i realised that i really did want another child because i havnt stopped thinking about it since.
well thanks again
hollberry