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School's concerns for my son's social development
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My son is almost 5yrs and started school in september. I have not been overly concerned about him although i have thought that he maybe not be ready emotionally and socially for school and was worried about this before he started. But as he has seemed happy there i have not been too worried since only that he maybe lacks confidence there.
However, his teacher and head of early years/special needs asked to see me today. They said they are concerned about his social development and the way he interacts with his peers. They say he annoys his friends and breaks their things and thinks its funny. That he does not seem to be aware that it upsets them. And he lacks empathy. They say that he is a bright, happy boy and there are no problems in his learning. They also said he is only really interested in what he loves and not particularly interested in what others like. He also likes to know what is happening when.
It has surprised me a bit because he does not really behave like this out of school. He plays really well with friends and does not annoy them. He is also always very concerned about other children being upset, so when we are out and he sees a child crying he will be worried and ask me if they have hurt themselves. He used to get upset about this when younger. I have never really had any problems with him and have not found him too difficult to handle. He had always been very impulsive, especially when hungry or eats certain sweets and can be silly and boysterous too. But not anything i have worried about. He does like routine and to know what is happening.
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However, his teacher and head of early years/special needs asked to see me today. They said they are concerned about his social development and the way he interacts with his peers. They say he annoys his friends and breaks their things and thinks its funny. That he does not seem to be aware that it upsets them. And he lacks empathy. They say that he is a bright, happy boy and there are no problems in his learning. They also said he is only really interested in what he loves and not particularly interested in what others like. He also likes to know what is happening when.
It has surprised me a bit because he does not really behave like this out of school. He plays really well with friends and does not annoy them. He is also always very concerned about other children being upset, so when we are out and he sees a child crying he will be worried and ask me if they have hurt themselves. He used to get upset about this when younger. I have never really had any problems with him and have not found him too difficult to handle. He had always been very impulsive, especially when hungry or eats certain sweets and can be silly and boysterous too. But not anything i have worried about. He does like routine and to know what is happening.
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Sorry about the spelling and the rushed message - I realised I had a meeting to dial into as I was in the middle of typing - it lasted all of 3 minutes! Anyway, what I was trying to say is by all means take note of what they are saying, but they are obviously describing a different boy to the one you know, and I think that you need to let them know that. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into anything that you feel is innapropriate for your son. You need to work in partnership with them to resolve any issues that may be affecting him. It may even be that he needs to change seats so that he is with a different group of kids.
The first time we were called to school it was because he had kicked a girl in his class - turns out that they didn't like each other - and still don't - so as soon as they were seperated, he got on a lot better. His teacher agreed to mark his book every day with a face indicating what his behaviour had been like and that seemed to help. He is in P3 now (in scotland we don't have reception class) and I don't dread the teacher coming up to me after school, so I think that he has definitely grown out of it. And looking at some other kids, his behaviour is definitely better than average.
Hang on in there, I am not saying that he does not have any of the aspergers etc, but to me it sounds like it is just a combination of his personality and the stress of starting school.
The first time we were called to school it was because he had kicked a girl in his class - turns out that they didn't like each other - and still don't - so as soon as they were seperated, he got on a lot better. His teacher agreed to mark his book every day with a face indicating what his behaviour had been like and that seemed to help. He is in P3 now (in scotland we don't have reception class) and I don't dread the teacher coming up to me after school, so I think that he has definitely grown out of it. And looking at some other kids, his behaviour is definitely better than average.
Hang on in there, I am not saying that he does not have any of the aspergers etc, but to me it sounds like it is just a combination of his personality and the stress of starting school.
thank you. I have not got an appointment yet as i have to sign papers first and i said i wanted to think about it and talk to my mum before signing. I'm happy for him to have a hearing test but I am going to talk to them again before doing anything else. I will ask them about being with different children. They are in groups some of the time but a lot of the time, during free play the whole class is together so that will not be easy.
thanks again, you have really helped
thanks again, you have really helped
hello aims1202,Your story sounds exactly the same as my daughter-in -law has had with my grandson.
It could be him that your were talking about.
He was only just over 4 when he started school,he could read but wouldn't co-operate in class.He gets a bit excitable when hungry.I could go on but won't as his story was the same as yours.
The emphapy thing really had us puzzled as like your son he was very concerned if anyone was upset or got hurt.
In the end my daughter- in law asked for him to be assesed for if there was something wrong with him the sooner it was recognised the better and they would know how to deal with it.
Everone that knew him(apart from his teacher) could see nothing wrong..he was a lively normal 4 year old.....and that is exactly what the proffesional report on him said. All confidence in the school was lost and he has been moved to a small private one where he is much happier and is flourishing..
I think 4 years old is much to young to go to school for some children.
Our grandson had a bad teacher who sapped his confidence and made his mother ill with her remarks.
Please don't worry to much have the checks done..but I think you will find out that you have a normal 4 year old son.
C.
It could be him that your were talking about.
He was only just over 4 when he started school,he could read but wouldn't co-operate in class.He gets a bit excitable when hungry.I could go on but won't as his story was the same as yours.
The emphapy thing really had us puzzled as like your son he was very concerned if anyone was upset or got hurt.
In the end my daughter- in law asked for him to be assesed for if there was something wrong with him the sooner it was recognised the better and they would know how to deal with it.
Everone that knew him(apart from his teacher) could see nothing wrong..he was a lively normal 4 year old.....and that is exactly what the proffesional report on him said. All confidence in the school was lost and he has been moved to a small private one where he is much happier and is flourishing..
I think 4 years old is much to young to go to school for some children.
Our grandson had a bad teacher who sapped his confidence and made his mother ill with her remarks.
Please don't worry to much have the checks done..but I think you will find out that you have a normal 4 year old son.
C.
thanks clematis. i think you are right, 4 is too young for some. my sons keyworker is actually quite a good teacher. she is caring and patient and likes my son but there are other teachers in the class who are not. there are 3 teachers. my son is always saying one teacher tells him off and is cross with him.
we had this problem at nursery. he was fine there until the amazing teacher he had and another good one left. the 2 new ones were terrible, they shouted at the kids and were constantly telling them off. my sons behaviour changed so much. i didnt take him out as it was his last term there and he had two very close friends. it wasnt only him, and parents complained about those two staff.
it made him more anxious about starting school, as he kept saying they would be cross and shout like the nursery teachers. he did settle in after a while though and it has not been like nursery. he is happy going to school and says he likes school. this is why i have not been at all worried until when they talked to me on friday. that is the first time i have heard about any problems. now his keyworker is acting strange as if there is a major problem. that is why i have been so worried, although hearing about your grandson and annies son has reassured me a lot.
everyone who knows my son sees him as a happy, lively boy who does not seem to have anything wrong. I do not have the option of sending my son to a private school. i think a small class would be better and there maybe another school that does suit him more. i have even thought about teaching him at home until he is 6yrs when he will probably be ready for school. but i am not sure i think it might be better for him to be there with other kids.
we had this problem at nursery. he was fine there until the amazing teacher he had and another good one left. the 2 new ones were terrible, they shouted at the kids and were constantly telling them off. my sons behaviour changed so much. i didnt take him out as it was his last term there and he had two very close friends. it wasnt only him, and parents complained about those two staff.
it made him more anxious about starting school, as he kept saying they would be cross and shout like the nursery teachers. he did settle in after a while though and it has not been like nursery. he is happy going to school and says he likes school. this is why i have not been at all worried until when they talked to me on friday. that is the first time i have heard about any problems. now his keyworker is acting strange as if there is a major problem. that is why i have been so worried, although hearing about your grandson and annies son has reassured me a lot.
everyone who knows my son sees him as a happy, lively boy who does not seem to have anything wrong. I do not have the option of sending my son to a private school. i think a small class would be better and there maybe another school that does suit him more. i have even thought about teaching him at home until he is 6yrs when he will probably be ready for school. but i am not sure i think it might be better for him to be there with other kids.
We self referred both our kids for speech therapy when they were almost 5 and 4, Craig because he couldn't say his "r's" and Ciar because he had problems with "k" and "g". Apparantly some kids don't get the "r " sound until they are 6 or 7, so although they said they would take the referral - they probably wouldn't do anything until he was older, we waited about 6 months for an appointment and by that time he was fine. Ciar was still having problems, so he went along for his first appointment - they gave a couple of techniques to try and he didn't even need a follow up appointment. We were concerned because the sounds they couldn't pronounce were in their own names and we knew that Craig's teachers surname started with an R. He called himself Cwaig.
My sisters little boy goes to speech therapy not because he has sound issues so much as he had very delayed speech and he has trouble processing speech. He understands all language, and can individually make all sounds, but he has trouble forming clear speech all the time - it also affects the way that he learns to read - he is 5, so i guess what I am saying is that it depends on why they feel he would benefit from speech therapy, does he have problems communicating, or is he having trouble with particular sounds?
My sisters little boy goes to speech therapy not because he has sound issues so much as he had very delayed speech and he has trouble processing speech. He understands all language, and can individually make all sounds, but he has trouble forming clear speech all the time - it also affects the way that he learns to read - he is 5, so i guess what I am saying is that it depends on why they feel he would benefit from speech therapy, does he have problems communicating, or is he having trouble with particular sounds?
My grandson didn't need the speech therapy.My daughter in law was so taken aback when approached by the teacher and told they were really worried about him.When asked to do things he said he couldn't..but he could and they knew it..could get a bit excitable ect ect.She was so upset about all the comments comming her way as like you she saw nothing of this behavior at home.One night she found him crying in his bed saying he was no good at school at anything.She was trying to work with the teachers to help him through.He seemed to get no encouragement when doing things right.
He was only 4 and a boy and they develop slower than girls.
He had been happy at nursery and had made friends and was clearly not ready to be the youngest in a class of 30.
They said he wouldn't do anything but then found out from a friend that he was on the table with the older children for maths...so he must have done something!!!!
I saw my DIL made really ill by all this.Please don't go the same way.The only real support came from the school nurse(who saw nothing wrong with him)And it wasen't a case with his parents and all who loved him that...'There is nothing wrong with my son' more if there is lets get the help he needs.
I wonder if teachers these days are under pressure to not recognise a child that has a problem until it is tooo late and therefore see problems with ones that aren't there.Ones that don't conform in their eyes..
He needed to be in a smaller class with more attention and is lucky enough to be able to have it.He may have been happier in year 1 who knows but now we have a happy boy and a relieved Mum.
He was only 4 and a boy and they develop slower than girls.
He had been happy at nursery and had made friends and was clearly not ready to be the youngest in a class of 30.
They said he wouldn't do anything but then found out from a friend that he was on the table with the older children for maths...so he must have done something!!!!
I saw my DIL made really ill by all this.Please don't go the same way.The only real support came from the school nurse(who saw nothing wrong with him)And it wasen't a case with his parents and all who loved him that...'There is nothing wrong with my son' more if there is lets get the help he needs.
I wonder if teachers these days are under pressure to not recognise a child that has a problem until it is tooo late and therefore see problems with ones that aren't there.Ones that don't conform in their eyes..
He needed to be in a smaller class with more attention and is lucky enough to be able to have it.He may have been happier in year 1 who knows but now we have a happy boy and a relieved Mum.
He doesnt have any problems with his speech and never has. He speaks fluently and clearly and has quite a wide vocab. When he was younger people often commented on how well he spoke for his age. He doesnt have problems communicating. In school i dont know, i do think he is worried about asking for help sometimes. The teachers said that when having group discussions he only wants to talk about what he's interested in and not what the others are interested in.
I need to talk to them more about why they want him to go to speech/lang therapy as i did not understand why. I was pretty shocked when they talked to me so didnt take it all in.
I really think he needs to be in a smaller class and he needs more attention. I think he gets a lot of attention from the teachers when he annoys the other kids.There are other kids that behave like this too, some are worse. The thing with my son they said was that they think he cant help it. I agree that when he has his moments of being hyperactive he is very impulsive but he behaves badly when he wants attention and when he's being told off constantly. When he gets lots of positive attention and praise he is so good and he will play on his own really well.
I need to talk to them more about why they want him to go to speech/lang therapy as i did not understand why. I was pretty shocked when they talked to me so didnt take it all in.
I really think he needs to be in a smaller class and he needs more attention. I think he gets a lot of attention from the teachers when he annoys the other kids.There are other kids that behave like this too, some are worse. The thing with my son they said was that they think he cant help it. I agree that when he has his moments of being hyperactive he is very impulsive but he behaves badly when he wants attention and when he's being told off constantly. When he gets lots of positive attention and praise he is so good and he will play on his own really well.
I know what you mean about the impulsiveness as that is what we experienced. I know that you avoid additives, but we have found that it doesn't need to be necessarily anything artificial - he seems to react with any dark coloured drinks - e.g. red grape juice, blackcurrant drinks. He would go into a kind of zone and there is no reasoning with him - you could see something in his eyes that wasn't his normal self if you get what I mean. As I said whether as a result of maturity, getting plenty of excercise or diet, he certainly seems to have very few "episodes". He will still do things like try to trip up his brother etc. but I think that is just what brothers do - from my own childhood experiences and watching other siblings, I actually think they fight less than normal!
The more i read your posts the more | see my little grandson.He is now 5 and has calmed down alot but was always very lively when younger which definitely got worse when hewas hungry.He was never a very good eater but his appetite is much better now.Mum and Dad are very sensible about what food he has and avoid those with additives ect.and processed food.
Children need to be checked but treat every negative with a possitive as they need praise to.
When you next have a meeting with his teachers take a notebook and write down some questions to ask and also record what they say.
It is amazing what we forget when meetings have finished.
Its early days in his school life and he is only 4 and to me he sounds like a normal lively 4 year old.
All children are different our second grandson is so quiet and just lets the world pass him by...so totally different to our first one..
Best wishes to you and your son.
C.
Children need to be checked but treat every negative with a possitive as they need praise to.
When you next have a meeting with his teachers take a notebook and write down some questions to ask and also record what they say.
It is amazing what we forget when meetings have finished.
Its early days in his school life and he is only 4 and to me he sounds like a normal lively 4 year old.
All children are different our second grandson is so quiet and just lets the world pass him by...so totally different to our first one..
Best wishes to you and your son.
C.
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer, it really has helped to hear your experiences.
I have seen the teachers today and feel more reassured, they are not sure if there is anything but would rather be wrong about it than miss something. It is a 3 month wait until he sees anyone and we could find he improves a lot in that time.
Thanks again and take care.
I have seen the teachers today and feel more reassured, they are not sure if there is anything but would rather be wrong about it than miss something. It is a 3 month wait until he sees anyone and we could find he improves a lot in that time.
Thanks again and take care.
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