All this in two days

[Poison-Ivy]

Help I need some serious joke telling to cheer me up.

In the last two days some rotten git has reversed into my car in a car park and driven off not leaving any kind of note or anything. �650 quids worth of damage and just to top it all the bank have rung me to inform that some other nice git has cloned my bank card and had a nice liitle spending spree over the weekend! Don't think someone up above likes me at the moment.

[steg]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BAS***D... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order