my husband was molested

[americangirl]

my husband was molested as a child. he was 5-7 years old. his older sister would touch him and try to masterbate him. i feel bad for him. we have been married 9 years and his masterbating is destroying us. he is doing it as many as 3 times a day. i asked him to seek counciling but he insist he doesnt need it. he said it wasnt real abuse because he doesnt know if he liked it or not. why wont he admit he was abused?

[Scarlett]

Why does he have to masturbate 3 times a day? How is this linked to his past?

[americangirl]

after his sister stopped molesting him he was obsessed with it. he even would think about her while he was doing it. remember he was just a child. its to the point where he cant make love to me, the only way he can ,ummmmm, "finish" is by himself. im very worried about him. i cant understand why he claims it wasnt abuse.

[dirtyharriet]

He may not term it abuse because at some level he "enjoyed" the experience physically, although mentally and emotionally he may have hated it. Having suffered some form of sexual abuse myself I can relate to how he may be feeling. He is obviously still having major problems dealing with what happened. I'm afraid that you can't force him to go for counselling if he feels he doesn't need it. It wouldn't work as he wouldn't be co operative. I don't know what to suggest to help you, it must be intolerable to have to live like this. I think maybe you should look at getting help and support for yourself as it may help you to be able to talk this through with someone.

[slimfandango]

A partner's masturbation is often very disturbing and hard to deal with for some people. I'm sorry if you are in this position.

Masturbation is often classified in the 'recovery from abuse' literature (I studied it in Psychology) as self-medication. Hate to say it, but it may do him some good. It's hard to work out why. Men don't have sexual thoughts after orgasm. They switch off. Masturbating may bring about this state in him and deliver him from the mental confusion he is in (temporarily). By far the most likely reason is probably an intimacy issue. Sex is often tied to intimacy. He probably finds intimacy difficult, thus sex with someone else difficult, and he resorts to masturbation to solve this.

He won't see it as abuse, because at the time it was happening he didn't know what abuse was and it was encoded as a normal act. It is very very common for the abused to blame themselves. Perhaps it attenuates the idea of having been compromised by a loved one (ie it was your husband doing something he wanted, not something he was being forced to do).

It's pretty important that you treat him with compassion. There are ways out. He must receive counselling and you may consider joint counselling. He should sever contacts with his sister. Good luck.

 

 

[AB Editor]

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