Problems with cleanliness, how to discuss?

[HJT40]

Hi everyone, happy Easter weekend to you all.

My daughter, who is 13, stays at her dads on a friday night, but has recently mentioned that the bedding smells and has stains on it.

I am aware that her dad was not very well the other week and I believe that he may have slept in the spare bed. He did tell me that he had been ill and had woken up soaking wet on more than one occassion, but at the time I did not think that he was in the spare room. Her dad also smokes, so I am assuming that the bed may also smell of smoke too.

Last weekend she said that the bed was changed when she got up saturday morning.

I think he may also sleep in the spare room more often as he and his wife are not getting along at the moment.

I do think it is unfair to let her sleep in an unclean bed, but how do I say anything to him without causing major offence?

Advice please................

[andy-hughes]

I think you just have to bite the bullet on this one.

If you are close enough to share a teenager, then any embarassment about such matters should be long gone!

When you speak on the phone - better than in person - have a quick word and generally mention that your daughter has a thing (all girs do, so it's no lie!) about clean sheets and a fresh-smelling room. Ask him if he turns the spare mattress regularly - say she likes it done once a month, but doesn't like to ask him - and stress that she loves sleeping on clean bedding, and that will be a treat for her if she comes to stay in clean bedding every time.

Should do the trick - if not, you will simply have to be more direct next time - but with luck he will get the message.

Men! What are they like?????????

[HJT40]

Thank you Andy.

The thing is that we aren't particularly close, he denied her existence for the first 4 years of her life and "does his bit", but no more - not that I am saying he is a bad father. He just is not very good at taking her in to account in the scheme of things.

Unfortunately he is aware of the state of her bedroom, so telling him that she likes clean and tidy.... hm I think he would see through that. Having said that it is her own dirt!

Thank you, have a good long weekend

[sleepyj]

send her with some clean beding of her own ...he should get the hint ..

[andy-hughes]

Most teenage girls have scruffy bedrooms - I have three girls so I know - but as you say, it is their own mess.

It may seem paradoxical that a teenager who can live in a nuclear waste dump of a bedroom at home can be so freaked out by someone else's unclean habbits, but that's teenagers!

i think your daughter has a right to expect clean bedding, and a fresh-smelling bedroom when she visits, or she will soon be opting out of visiting at all.

I am sure you will mention it - if you and your ex are not close, you don't have to be too wrried about hurting his feelings, but it is nice to be nice where possible.

Good luck.

[treborrobert]

simple tell your daughter to have a word with him in private..and tell him the bed was smelly and stained ...after all she is 13 not 6 or 7

but dont you say anything that will not help her ..let her do it and if no changes happen and he is afended by what she says ..tell her if she wants as its up to her that she has the option to say she will not sleep till its sorted .....