Coping with dementia

[{Dakota}]

Can any of you tell me what experience you've had with a family member suffering dementia, and more importantly, how you dealt with it and coped?

My Granny has been losing her memory for a couple of years now, it was never anything major, just her forgetting what she's been told etc. However, it's got much worse recently.

I'm not sure if this is connected but she fell and broke her hip a few weeks ago, she had it bolted back together, had physio and was sent home. She lives on her own and was, naturally, struggling to cope. My mum and I took it in turns to go and see her every day and took in food. Around 1 week after she was discharged from hospital her GP visited her at home for her check up, suspected she had deep vein thrombosis and arranged for her to go back into hospital.

It was this spell in hospital that she appeared to be getting worse, it's difficult to explain this, but one example is that from her window, she could see one of those massive crane's. She was convinced that the builders were going up and down the trunk of the crane and waving across to her. There was nobody on the crane and if there had been, it was too far away for anyone to see her, let alone wave at her.

She's home now and my mum went and stayed at her house this week to make sure she ate properly to get her strength back up. At 0530 on Thursday morning, my mum woke up to the sound of Granny shouting on her. Mum ran down the stairs, to find Granny fully dressed with her coat on about to go outside and asked what was wrong. Granny told her she was wondering where she was, she had tried to phone her mobile (mum didn't have a missed call) and she thought something had happened to her. Also, Granny thought it was 1730, not 0530.

Continued�

[{Dakota}]

When I went round to see Granny yesterday, Granny threw a wobbler saying that someone had been "messing about with her remote controls" (for the TV). I assured her nobody had touched them, but she carried on shouting (I've NEVER heard my Granny shout before) that some bar steward (NEVER heard her swear either!) had been messing about with them and they're complicated.

It's difficult to explain to you what it's like, with those examples, even to me, it reads like I'm being silly, but I know her and I know she's not well and I'm not sure how to deal with it when she does throw a wobbler about something small like that, do I agree with her? Do I correct her and risk making her more agitated and confused?

All advise appreciated, thanks :0)

[derrynoose]

Hi, dakota
Take a look at the link as see if it helps:
http://www.ec-online.net/Community/Activists/d ifficultbehaviors.htm

[saxy_jag]

We're going through it right now with my mother-in-law, the only (positive) difference being that she was in a care home to begin with, so we haven't had to deal with the actual care side. Like your granny, she's been 'losing it' for some time and it was a spell in hospital that really pushed her over the edge. She took an accidental overdose of her drugs, plus she had an infection as well. She self-medicated until that point and so is naturally very upset that her carers have taken over the administration of her meds. We've also had to remove her phone because she called 999 twice and told the police that her carers had stolen her meds.

People with dementia act just that - demented. There is often seemingly no logic to what they do and say and they have the memory span of a fly sometimes. What they say can be quite upsetting at times too (my MIL, for instance, is forever singing the praises of the somewhat dastardly but now dead male friend with whom she grew up as though they were siblings, but never mentions her lovely late husband).

Try to humour her, but only when it's safe. I find that MIL is helped by being shown old family photographs, even though the memories make her sad sometimes. I was able to have some of her memoirs and photos published into a book, and I've noticed it's always marked at a different page when I visit, so I know she's looking at it.

You should not try to cope with this alone, and neither should your Mum. It's important that you both show your support for each other as you seem to be doing. Neither should either of you feel guilty if the situation makes you feel angry or in need of a break. Caring for someone with dementia is very stressful and those who do it professionally will fully understand you.

You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing you're still at school. This website is Oxfordshire based, but it offers some helpful information:

16:26 Sat 22nd Mar 2008

[saxy_jag]

Sorry, the link didn't work for some reason:

http://www.dementiaweb.org.uk/children-and-you ng-people.html

[{Dakota}]

Thank you derrynoose, I'm going to print out that web page and give a copy to Mum too.

sexy_jag, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I think my mum and I are each not wanting to show any sign that we're not coping very well with the sudden turn for the worse, and I feel like I haven't got anyone else just to sound off to as it would normally be mum. The photo album is a great idea, I'm going to dig out photo's from the loft tomorrow and create one for my Granny to keep.

BTW, I'm 30, but thank you for the compliment LOL

[saxy_jag]

I'm glad you take it as a compliment, lol.

Seriously, though, trying to pretend that you're are coping (or trying to deny that you're not coping) is the worst thing either of you can do. You'll end up becoming worn out and stressed out and of no use to anyone. There are people out there who can help you, and they will understand, believe me. Your granny's local social services may be able to help with things such as respite care and even a permanent care home if it becomes necessary. Your local branch of Age Concern can also advise you.

And if you want to sound off, come back here and give me a shout. I'm a good listener, they say.

[Panic Button]

I can't offer any help, except to confirm it is not unusual.

My Nan complained bitterly that the hairdressers were shut when she turned up for her 4 o'clock appointment.

Turned out she went at 4 am.

She too started getting really angry about things she had bottled up from 50 or so years earlier. A placid lady suddenly came out with shocking stuff.

It was found also that she had covered her bed in photos, and had taken to sleeping in a chair to avoid disturbing the photos. Apparently staying upright all the night would reduce the refreshing blood flow at night, possibly making her condition worse. I was young at the time, but it was terrible for my Mum.

Eventually she had to go into a home, but she didn't go easily. She complained it was full of old people.

[blanx]

My Nan is 93 and has dementia too. She had a brain tumour removed at 82 and I think she's done brilliantly. She is staying with me right now for the weekend and is asleep in the next room. She often stays weekends and is fine the first night, but if she stays two nights she begins to think this is her house and I am visiting her. She gets all my stuff out of my dressing table and out of my wardrobes and 'tidies' it thinking they are her clothes, but she gets tired by the time she has got it all out on the floor in a big heap and then gets back into bed leaving it for me to sort in the morning LOL. I love having her here but the weekend is no rest for me between the working week. Oh yes, she used to feed my tropical fish. She couldn't find fish flakes so she fed them with cornflakes (and the milk) or bread and ruined the water. So now I have to tape the tank lids on while she is here. I hate that she's getting so old and try to make the most of her while we have her. She is so funny with the old sayings she comes out with. Good luck with your Nan. Sounds like you and your Mum are doing a great job looking after her, she's lucky to have you both x

[{Dakota}]

Thank you so much for your input. It's heartbreaking to see a once fiercly independent woman like this.

She is point blank refusing any outside care, but if mum and I have agreed to get some if/when it comes to a point that we can't do it on our own. It's difficult when we both work full time.

Thanks again and I will give you a shout when I need to sexy_jag

xx