Abusive relationships

[stonemonkey]

I'll try to cut a long story short.......

I've known my mate L since 2001. She met and quickly married her husband, and he's been physically and mentally abusive throughout their marriage. I got married shortly after her, and was always there if she needed me. Her husband spent most of their savings, so she was unable to come on evenings out because she'd no money and felt uncomfortable not being able to pay. (I paid a few times, but she hated this.) Only once did I ever plead with her to leave home. This was after he had knocked L to the floor, then kicked her around like a dog. She was cut and bruised and had no fingernails left. ALL her fingertips were bleeding.

She did leave, but went back two or three days later. This was in 2004 and I haven't seen her from then until two weeks ago. We sent Birthday and Christmas cards but that's it.

My problem is that I'm scared I'm going to say something to her that will offend her. I don't judge her situation, but it's hard to watch a decent person get their spirit broken.

Do you think our friendship will be better off if I say nothing about the abuse or the state of her marriage, and just let her talk to me as and when she needs to?

[stonemonkey]

Hello, and thanks for your in depth reply.

L is an intelligent woman, with a good job. These two things don't make it any easier to walk away, but it frustrates me that she 'knows' she doesn't have to put up with the abuse.

I hate even thinking about this, but years ago I was dating a man who turned into a monster. He was always a monster but he hid it well. I'd known him a long time before agreeing to date him. End result was me finishing with him, and him dragging me down the stairs by my head/hair. I fell at the top step and he dragged me all the way down. I never 'dated' him again, but it wasn't easy to ignore him. I've shared the full story with L, and she knows that I understand her predicament.

The last card L sent me was lovely. She'd mentioned how she wanted to see me and catch up again. I sent her a short letter and she phoned me a few days later. I've seen her once, and we took off from where we last left things. It wasn't strained, and she did mention her husband a few times. I just had to bite my tongue a lot.

She told me she's only had work mates and his best mate and wife for company since 2004. She wanted to get in touch but thought I'd tell her to get lost. I wouldn't do that in a million years. I've turned my back on anyone.

I'm seeing her again next week, and will probably have to meet him this time. He'll be charm itself. Just the thought of it has my heart hammering in my chest.

[stonemonkey]

That should be "I've never turned my back on anyone." Last but one paragraph.

[Whoever]

Next time you're in touch with your friend, give her this information.

February 14 saw the launch of the National Centre for Domestic Violence.

As part of the Public Service Agreements, local authorities, the Police and voluntary organisations are working together to raise awareness that abusing a partner is a serious crime. Victims of domestic abuse should be able to access fast free legal advice and support through the civil court system regardless of age, gender, race, sexual orientation or financial circumstances. As of 1 July last year, a breach of a non-molestation order (an injunction) became a criminal offence, with a potential five years imprisonment. With the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) and local police forces now working alongside each other, injunctions can now be obtained within 24 hours and the police can arrest any offenders who breach it. If you or someone you know is experiencing, or has experienced domestic abuse, break the silence and report it. NCDV is a registered charity that provides a service to all people who suffer from domestic abuse, completely free of charge. The charity offers advice and support to victims regardless of age, race, gender, sexuality or financial circumstances and they aim to get cases to court within 24 hours or on the first working day after initial contact. For more information about the National Centre for Domestic Violence, please call 08709 220704 or visit www.ncdv.org.uk

[Ice.Maiden]

Brilliant answers. I'd just like to add that you could remind her that if she manages to take the big step, that as a true friend, you'll be there for her if she needs some support.

[ladyalex]

All you can do is be there for her when she decides she wants to leave him. No one but your friend can come to this decision. It is not a rational one for her, as it is for us outsiders, it is an emotional one. No one knows how or whne she will see the light and gain the courage to leave, but hopefully eventually she will.
Meanwhile, there is very little point in your discussing her husband in any but the most general of terms with her. maybe you could talk this through with her when you next meet up and agree that you will talk about everything else that you both enjoy or are interested in. She already knows your views on her relationship with her husband and you are certainly not going to change your mind about him. Try to boost her self-esteem in other ways by showing her how much you value her as a person and as a friend.
Good Luck and well done for being such a good friend.

[stonemonkey]

I meant to update earlier.

L's doing well. They decided to go to couple counselling and it's working. She's happier and he's (dare I say) like a new man.

All the advice here was spot on. Thanks so much x