A hard time :-(

[Suzanne1981]

Hi again, i posted on here last week 'a difficult time' about how i had a horrible breakup with my boyfriend of 4 years, explaining how I found it difficult to accept his friendship/relationship with his ex-girlfriend because i discovered they had a late night phone call! We hadn't spoken for a week until today when he said he has missed me terribly and would like to talk things over. So he is comin to my house tonight and i feel sick to my stomach, I love him very much and would love to start over with him BUT how do i explain that they need to calm their friendship down without sounding like im making him chose? They do have a child together and i understand his child comes first so the fact that they are friends is good for their sons sake! But the closeness drives me mad she phones him 4-5 times a day to chat - would it be unreasonable of me to ask him to maybe tell her to back off a little? For the sake of OUR relationship! opinions please thanks xx

[banjosister]

Hey Suzanne,

I answered last time, I've just read it back and it was fairly crap! Soz!

As I said before I have finished with my other half and it's driving me mad!

I would suggest that you ask him if he would be prepared to have counselling with you. I have always found this very helpful, it's a bit like having a referee!

If not, I would suggest when you speak to him get him to tell you what he heard before he answers. This can be very interesting and it may help you both to understand what you are trying to say.

I would ask him if he understands what you are upset about and how he thinks you feel about it. I am assuming the emotion that comes to the fore when he is talking to his ex is jealousy, is this rational? Has he been unfaithful to you? If not, then you need to change how you deal with the jealousy as this is your problem, not his.

I hope I don't sound as if I am preaching and I also know that when emotions are running high it is very difficult to be rational.

I am currently fighting the urge to call my ex. Just for a drink you understand (not that I'm trying to convince myself!). I am not going to.

I will discuss it with my counsellor and see what conclusion we come to!

Maybe you could have a break for a week and see how you both feel again then.

I wish you all the best and lots of luck.

BB xx

[Suzanne1981]

Thanks Banjosister, it doesnt come across as preaching at all! The counseling sounds a good idea but most definitely not his kind of thing :-( possibly for me though! I have jealousy issues and they need to be sorted! He has never been unfaithful, however he has made silly mistakes in the past especially in the beginning of the relationship, texting his ex flirty texts ect (which i had to find out of her)! We are very strong as a couple and enjoy each others company! Just wish she wasn't such a MASSIVE part of his life! Makes it worse is that she isn't even a nice person, for the first 3 years of our relationship she made my life a living hell!! Maybe thats part of the reason why im jealous that they are friends?!?

[banjosister]

Hey suzanne,

chin up love. I think there is hope for you both. You need to sort yourself first though, deal with your issues and find out what you really want.

This is what I now realise I want to do for myself which is why I'm off to counselling myself. Will let you know how it goes if you like?

Hugs

BB xx

[Ice.Maiden]

Suzanne - I can understand you getting jealous of this woman, but if you're to save your relationship, you have to fight it off. Any bad feeling between you and this woman could reflect on the child, and if your bf sees he or she getting upset, he's going to lean towards their side even more. If you have no reason to doubt your man, then grin and bear it. Perhaps you could go with your bf if he visits the child, and perhaps forge some kind of "friendship" with his ex. Don't let your own insecurities ruin what's basically a good partnership. Best of luck to you. x

[Octavius]

There is no easy way to handle this but ultimatums are not the solution. Men generally don�t react well to them, especially if children are involved.

If you love your boyfriend talk to him, be calm and try not to be seen to be jealous of this relationship he has with his ex. It is not going to go away, you may always be the 3rd person in the relationship, depending on your man - so you either have to accept it or deal with it if you want your relationship to survive and bloom. Try to establish some general rules, there may be times when they do need to chat at night if there is an issue with the child.

It�s up to your partner to position you in his life with regards his ex and his child, but if it is something that you really cannot se yourself dealing with, then it might not be the right relationship for you.

[tigwig]

I would just stay calm and tell him exactly how you feel. Ask him how he would feel if it was an ex of yours ringing for chats that much. I know they have to stay friends but that is taking it too far! I suppose you have to pity her cos she must have a really low self esteem to keep ringing him so much because normal people wouldn't do that. Either that or she is being a bitch on purpose to wind you up! If you think it is the latter then just revell in the fact that you are now the chosen one and she isn't! If he isn't prepared to understand your feelings then maybe he isn't right for you. Everytime she phones he could just make excuses and not talk to her or pretend the lines breaking up she may get the hint! Seriously though he does need to gently explain to her that he doesn't feel the need to chat quite so much and agree certain times that they can chat for the sake of their daughter. good luck!

[button123]

hiya, i totally agree with u. i fink that you shud tell him to calm his realtionship down with his ex. okay they have a child but 4 -5 times a day on the phone thats rediculous. you probably dont even phone him that many times. If your boyfriend loves you it would be no problem to him telling her to cut the phone calls down and back off.
Or maybe even you should speak to her. Good luck love xx buttonxx