7 year old sleeping problems

[aurorahc133]

A female friend of mine has a 7 year old son who refuses to sleep in his own bed and insists on sleeping with her every night. . She has tried telling him he must stay in his own bed but he just has a tantrum and she gives in. They live in a 3 story house and her bedroom is at the top and his is on the middle level, he says this is why he has to sleep with her because he does'nt like to be on his own downstairs. I feel so sorry for her as she has no social life at all ,as most nights she has to go to bed at 8'oclock with him to keep the piece. Has anyone got any suggestions. Thanks

[annie0000]

The problem here is not that he still sleeps in her bed, it is that at 7 years old she is still giving in to tantrums. he has been allowed his own way for so long, who can blame him for trying it on.

She needs to sort herself out - yes she may have to put up with a load of shouting, screaming etc. That's life and the sooner that her son learns it the better.

Kids need boundarys - does he expect that he gets his own way at school? I am sure not, the teacher/school lay down the rules and the children stick to them or accept the consequences.

As far as the sleeping arrangments go, I can understand that he doesn't want to sleep on a different floor to his parent and that he may be frightened- is there any way that she can change this around so that they are on the same floor?

Presumably he doesn't want to sleep in his room with her downstairs and awake either.

Is there actually anything that is frightening him, or is it purely a control issue?

If she starts it in small stages and remains strong, she may achieve a result fairly quickly - i.e. staying in his own room while she is watching tv etc.

[Mamjet]

smack him (but leave no marks).

Also, you can try locking his bedroom door.

[B00]

Jesus Mamjet!!!

You're a model parent aren't you?

Yes of course, beat the child then lock it in its room.

Ye Gods!

[Mamjet]

sorry.

give in to his tantrums and let him ruin your life, and grow up to be spoilt.

how is that?

[andrea81]

To be honest in a psychological aspect, I can imagine that the son feels a bit insecure where he sleeps (closer to the front door than his parent).

We looked at a house to move into a few months back and the master bedroom was in the attic. I instantly didn't feel that the sleeping arrangement was as 'safe' for my son as he would be below. I just didn't like that... I can imagine the son feeling a bit exposed! As in an adult/parent not in front to protect!

Not sure if I'm making sense.....

Why doesn't she try swapping rooms and making a big deal about him having a nice bedroom. Lay ground rules and then stick to them. Cruel to be kind really! x

[MORELLO]

andrea - you make perfect sense. There's no way I could have my kids downstairs, nearer to the point of any 'break in' or possible danger. My kids would have to be above me, and any danger 'get past me' first - if that makes sense. As it is, send him back to bed everytime, tantrum or not. He's got to learn,he's 7 for gods sake!

[newtron]

Lock him in his room. Never give in to temper tantrums! When our three year old has a temper tantrum, she gets sent to her room where she could scream all she wants, but she can't come out until she is not crying any more, and if she doesn't stay in her room, we lock the door. We've done this a couple of times, and she really does not have temper tantrums anymore. If she starts, I tell her what will happen, and she dries her eyes and does what I say, because she knows that I will follow through with my threat.

[gem_35]

i dont think this thing of locking children in the bedroom is right at all. i would never ever think aboutlocking my child in her room! that is awful, how would you feel if someone done that yo you! im disgusted at this!

[gallapunk]

Can they swap bedrooms so that your friend is closer to the 'point of attack/weakness' (if that's the problem)? Certainly not good to sleep together at that age. What about when she meets a guy she wants to 'be' with? I've kown several friends (mother and father both together in the same home) who let their children sleep in their beds from when they were very young and for as long as they wanted. Makes me wonder whether there's a problem ...

[Goodsoulette]

Sleeping with a parent isn't considered a problem until that child hits ten years old. 7 years old isn't exactly old enough to comfort himself, and I don't blame him at all for not wanting to sleep on a level of the house that she isn't on. It can;t make him feel very secure. She needs to move to the same level as him or put up with it until he is old enough to sleep alone and feel safe.
She could try baby monitors and stuff to lure him into sleeping on a different lever. I wouldnt like my kids to sleep downstairs from me anyway though.,

[Goodsoulette]

Smack him, lock him in his room???? What is going on in here. The kid has a tantrum, he is probably distraught at feeling abandoned. Be that a misguided notion but he obviously isn't reassured enough.

[darcydark]

What is this, Smack the child, lock it in the room, what did these people have kids for??? How would they like somone bigger than them locking them in a room.

Obviously this problem needs careful handling, not abuse. She could try reading him a story, not a scary one, letting him have the light on to read a while on his own and a night light after that time. Also a bay monitor would help his state of mind about being alone. After all most children go to bed a long time before parents, they are upstairs while parents are downstairs. Hope all turns out okay for her.

[Ice.Maiden]

Good heavens! I agree with all the sensible answers on here - but NEVER smacking or locking a child in its room. I agree - a child of mine would never sleep "below" me, for the reasons which others've said. If sleeping on the same level as the child isn't possible, then the mother should swap rooms, telling her son that she's "just downstairs" if he needs her - and indeed, he MIGHT creep downstairs a few times at first, just for reassurance, but rather than shout or make a scene, the mum needs to smile, and just ask if he needs a drink or whatever, before going back up to bed. I would also read, and spend time talking to the child. he's obviously scared of something, and his feelings must come first.

[newtron]

I think smacking or locking the child in his room is a bit extreme, and therefore should only be used in extreme circumstances. I think the most important thing is to give the child a very clear message that temper tantrums are not the proper way to get what you want. The kid should get the exact opposite of what he wants if he has a temper tantrum. Raising a child is all about teaching him/her how to behave like an adult, and one of the most important lessons is that you can't always have everything you want, and some ways of trying to get your way are much better than others.

I agree that aurorach133's friend should probably think about switching rooms with her son, but I imagine that will not fix tings instantly. I will also give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she has tried the night light, stories, etc.. It seems obvious to me that this boy is used to getting what he wants by having a tantrum, and this is the main problem! The mother should not have to go to bed at 8:00 just because her son won't sleep without her! To me, this situation does seem extreme mainly because the boy has been getting his way through temper tantrums for 7 years. Therefore, I think an extreme measure is appropriate to begin mending this situation. Once the child understands the temper tantrums will not get him anywhere, then the mother could start to talk to him about his feelings and try to compromise, and I think compromise is the key word. Ultimately, I'm sure the boy wants to sleep with his mom every night, but you can't always get everything you want.

[Ice.Maiden]

Some good points there neutron, but I see that aurorahc says that her friend gets no social life at all. Why not? If she got a member of the family or a very reliable babysitter for the boy, she could allow herself some time away, and he'd more than likely be asleep - or very tired - by the time she got back. If the child's ever been left alone, then he WILL be scared and want his mum, but I see no reason at all why she can't go out now and again, providing her son feels safe and secure. The temper tantrums could be a symptom of fear, and his only way of expressing his needs. I wonder if the boy's witnessed something that's scared him greatly, and that's why he clings on?

[RevFunk]

Sounds like she's reaping what she sowed....

When it first started a quick smack on the back of the legs would have sorted it.

Forget boundaries and hippy waffle, she's the adult he's the child end of story.

If she cant conrol him know then heaven help her in the long term