Being a husband/wife and a carer

[cudgie]

I am disabled and my husband is my carer and I wondered how do other couples manage like this.  How do you find 'changing' from husband or wife to carer and visa versa?  Recently, my husband has said sometimes it is difficult to be romantic towards me after he helps me with certain things, - which are never going to go away.  I would just like to know how do I get him to see me as his wife, I love him so much and I don't want things to be difficult  between us.  I'd like us to be close, but when I hold his hand for example, I feel he's only holding mine because I want him to and it's his job to keep me happy.

I hope someone can suggest some useful advise.     

[Octavius]

Cudgie - were you disabled before you were together / married or is it something that you have both had to adapt to?

[andy hughes]

This sounds like a difficult situation for you. Is it possible for someone else, maybe a female relative to perform some of the more intimate caring functions for you, if not regulalry, at least occasionally?  If not, can Social Services assist in this area? It might be nice if someone can arrange for you to be dressed specially, and made up, for a special evening, as a surprise for him? This will help him to see you the person, as opposed to you whom he cares for. I do hope you can get around this issue.

[gypsy]

cudgie..i guess your husband just feels a great sense of responsibility and romance is probably the last thing on his mind,,,maybe you should try to arrange a meal or some quality time together and tell him how you feel as men are not allways very switched on to us ladies and our feelings,,etc..and sometimes their can be a lot of magic around a relationship but everyone is too immersed into the every day thing to notice it,,every day drudgery takes over ,,and its hard to get the old spark back..he probably doesnt mind holding your hand at all you are just feeling a bit vulnerable and making it into an issue,,,i think you should tell him how much you appreciate all he does for you and how difficult it must be but tell him you are still a lady in love and would appreciate a bit of affection just to reassure you and to perk you up a bit,,,if you can arrange any sort of get away from it all break for next year then go for it as you may find that is what is needed...best of luck and happy new year ...gypsy

[cudgie]

I was disabled before we met, but my disability has got progressively worse and I do need more help now.  I've asked about help from Social Services but they said as long as someone is there, then they can't do anything because there are some people with no help at all and there isn't  enough help to go round.  The advice that I've been getting from here, is good, I do think we get too wrapped up in everyday, boring things and forget why we got married in the first place, it's just hard to get back to how we used to be, because this has affected my confidence a bit, but it's up to me I think to sort things out and make him realise I'm still me

[patriciather]

i used to be a home carer and have helped to support other couples like yourselves .dont be put off asking social services again, ask for a social worker if need be,you should at least be assessed for what your needs are-good luck.

[Scarlett]

I think if you told Social Services what you have told us they would see it from a different perspective. You are entitled to feel romantic and sexy, and your husband is entitled to see you as such, Have a word with your doctor and tell him you are worried about the implications of your marriage, should this continue.. Even if you are not, it will help him to see it from your perspective.

[Bangkok]

(In my limited experience)  it is sometimes more common / easier to focus on the process (helping) rather than the reason (love).  This can apply in any situation, including work, home, relationships. 

The obvious and trite answer is for you to talk to him about it, but you are clearly looking for something more.  Can you arrange a special day for him as a suprise (a trip to a football match, driving a tank, a day in a museum of particular interest) and either spend it with him or meet him somewhere (a hotel? restaurant? home?) and then tell him how you feel?  The day would preferably be something only you would instinctively understand and therefore could be cheap and cheerful or ruiniously expensive.  if you think words will fail you, try writing it down and giving it to him - if he is a sentimental type he'll keep it for ever and read it when he is down.

If you wanted to be romantic, then a hotel with roses and preordered  room service may help, or if your budget has gone on the day earlier, home with his favourite meal and roses.  Actually, home might re-inforce that romance is a regular and legitimate emotion, not just for special occasions

Good luck

[brawburd]

Cudgie,  the law entitles you to a Community Care Assessment.  It also entitles your husband to a Carer's Assessment.  You should phone your local social work office and ask for these.  It is your needs that are being assessed, not their resources. 

 

 

[brawburd]

Also, have you had a benefits check lately?  If not, that will be part of the assessment process.  Or you could contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau or council welfare rights department.  If you are not getting Disability Living Allowance you may be entitled to it (not means tested).

[brawburd]

Back again! Why don't you pop over to http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/Answerbook/  and we could have a chat about other resources - carers organisations etc, which might help.