single mum partner

[oldgrape]

right i wouldn't like honest answers here do you think some one who is a single mum is best to get in a relationship with a man who has children and knows the ropes etc or does it not matter

[weeal]

Hi oldgrape. I dont think it matters all that much, I dont have children but I know how to take care of them and have fun times with them too.
He would obviously have to LIKE children tho and the child should like them too obviously.

[oldgrape]

thanks it's a tricky 1 as have met 2 men and like both but one has a son a similiar age to my own child and is widowed and 31 yrs old the other is 25 yrs old and has no kids

[weeal]

oooh lucky you havin the choice - lol

thats great hon, you will be able to tell what they're like around kids probably when in that situation, some men have kids and dont behave like dads, other men would dearly love kids and dont have any

test the waters

oh how exciting

[oldgrape]

i know what you mean the father of my child is a pants dad i just worry that the younger one of the two would not be so understanding that i can't go out at the drop of a hat and may get pi ss ed off that my son is in the way and i worry that the older would treat my son differently than his own

[oldgrape]

hey wizard can i ask did u ever worry that ur own children would be resentful of her kids or mrs.wiz not treating ur kids the same.
am i just being paronoid and over thinking things

[weeal]

I dated a guy for 2� years there, he had 2 boys - ive never had kids - we all got on like a house on fire and they were 4 and 9yrs. I helped the older one with his homework and the wee one wanted hugs. It can work with the right people and the right chemistry, if the kids hadnt liked me it wouldnt have worked.

[oldgrape]

well my little lad loves everyone he's a little charmer so i've no worries there i just want to make the right decision for myself and him

[oldgrape]

thanks to you both i will have a long hard think about the goods and bads of them both will keep u posted

[weeal]

I wish you good luck oldgrape, and hey - youve got it goin on girrrrl lol

Enjoy

[Aprilis]

Hi oldgrape! Good to see you back hun.

From a personal point of view the older one with the son sounds more appealing. He'll probably be a lot more tolerant and understanding than the young one with no ties. Plus littlegrape might be a bit more accepting of a new man in your life if he has a new friend to play with.

Having said that, without knowing anything about either of them it's difficult to say what's best.

[oldgrape]

hey Aprilis lond time no hear. the thing is i like them both and both have different but equally good qualities i'm hoping for one of them will give me a hint as to who to choiose. it's a mind boggerler lol

[Psychick]

Hi oldgrape,

I started seeing my boyfriend when my daughter was 6 and it had just been the two of us for a long long time. My boyfriend had no experience with young children at all. Luckily though, he genuinely enjoyed spending time as a family and taking us to parks etc. It hasnt been easy though as he has had to learn how to be with a young child (he works in a comprehensive school therefore is used to teenagers) also, she has had to come round to having a "father figure" in her life (her real dad is a total waste of space and doesnt give a damn). Even now, they still act more like brother and sister but theyre still adapting and its nice when they are doing something nice together (Ive signed him up to do gardening club with her at her school lol)

We now have a baby together and in a way its helping because he now knows what its like to be a real father and I say to him to treat my eldest like he would our baby when shes that age (if that makes sense).

cont..

[Psychick]

.......

On the otherside, I have been the one who was the single non-parent going into a relationship with someone who had children. We would have his two little ones every weekend and they stayed over once a fortnight. I enjoyed it for the most part and didnt mind not being able to go out every weeeknd (I was 20 when the relationship started) However, as the kids got older, they learnt to play one parent against the other and would use me to do so. It wasnt helped by the fact the mother started taking the piddle alot by not picking them up when arranged and asking us to have them more and more. When my eldest was born, I'll be honest, my feelings towards his kids changed. Im ashamed to admit, I started to resent them being with us so much. I think it is because I was the one primarily taking care of them plus I was a new mum with a newborn to care for as well. Naturally I wanted to be a mum to my baby and that was all I wanted. For many reasons the relationship didnt last much longer anyway.

So, I can argue for both sides (which isnt going to help at all is it? lol) Either choice will be tough at times but either can work. It really will depend on each man as a person. Their circumstances, ie if they have kids or not, and their age wont be as big a factor as who they are and what they want.

Good luck and let us know how it goes! lol

[andy-hughes]

When I met the present Mrs Hughes her girls were six and four.

I always thought I was useless with children, but the opposite appears to be true. We have been togerhter now for nearly twenty-eight years, and we have a third daughter who is nineteen. I utterly refuse to do all the 'step-dad / step-daughter' nonsense. We have three daughers, and I will fall out with anyone who tries to separate them in this way. As far as i am concerned, I am not my older girls' father, but I am their Dad, which is far more important to them and to me.

For the record - anyone getting involved in a partner with children needs to establish a vital ground rule from day one - back each other up, always.

Kids will play one parent off against the other - they all do it, so with partners it feels more sensitive, and children will pick up on this and exploit it. Don't worry, that's just children, and nothing to worry about! The trick is to always back up the decision the other one has made - even if you think it is wrong, discuss it afterwards, alone. If a child sees that he can get mum or dad to side with him against the partner, the wedge is in polace, and they will hammer it home relentlessly.

My partner would always side with me, and never allow the girls to undermine me by appealing to her natural maternal instinct. It is hard for the biological parent, but it must be done for the sake of unity and respect all round.

Good luck with your choice, which should be the right man - regardless of his children - or not.

[Fairie]

Hi, I have a husband who has 3 children from his previous marriage and i have 3 from my previous marriage. It is hard work juggling what seems to be 2 families. his youngest fits in very well and is best friends with my oldest. (they same age, same school) My 2 eldest step-children are 18 and 16 and although we have a good relationship with them, they are also quite distant not really from me but from my children. so this year we are all going on holiday together, if that doesn't gel them i think i'll give up! I guess its because they are older. We only see the 18 year old once or twice a month, shes too busy!! lol. but the 16 year old is starting to boss the others around a bit, at least its progress!! lol.

The other problem i find is christmas presents and birthday presents, i have always spent about �150 on each child at christmas and �100 on birthdays. Where because of high maintenance payments my husband always spent 80-100 on each at christmas and same on birthdays. Yet, now that we are together find it difficult, i dont want to spend less on mine and he feels he must spend more on his. Gets a bit much!

To make another point, single guys in my experience like to be foot loose and fancy free, but if they fancy playing daddy could do a good job of it without worrying if his own children will be jealous.

So i guess its not time to choose with your head, go with your heart. After all, if its a lasting relationship, the children and he will get used to each other and then when they leave home to have their own family you will still be left with someone ypou want to be with.