help!!!!!!!!

[imwho?????]

my husband of 10 years is terminally ill with cancer. since he got sick my brother-in -law has been by my side 100%. the problem is im starting to have a major crush on him. it would be recipracated if i said anything , he has made that quite clear. what the hell is wrong with me? my wonderful husband is lying there dying and im sitting there thinking of his brother. why am i such an idiot? i love my husband, but i rely on his brother for everything. this is killing me inside. i feel so evil.

[flashpig]

Been by your side or not, I loathe the guy, despite him probably being lovely. How did he make this clear?

HIS DYING BROTHER!!!

On the other hand, he does sound like a nice sort of chap, helping you with everything. I can see your turmoil, don't feel too bad, or if you feel bad don't feel evil - people get crushes.

Erm, I'm not helping. He doesn't seem that nice to me, but then kinda does. (Pfft, what do I know, I was only 11 when you guys got married and don't know about marriage and stuff) Listen to Smudge because she always gives fantastic advice on this sort of stuff.

[krissy04]

Maybe your crushing on your brother in law because you are so hurt about your husbands awful situation, and ur trying to focus ur attention on something positive??? I agree with flashpig im not that great with these types of questions either, Smuge has always been great at giving advice on theses types of questions...but dont get me wrong, there are many others who are great...like Octavus(typo), In A Pickle, Scarlette(typo once again)...just to name a few...im sure you will get some helpful responses from them...and in the mean time...i hope everything works out for the best, because they say everything happens for a reason imwho?????????! :)

[Yinzer]

I think it may be a bit of what psychologists refer to a transference -- patients often get cruches on their doctors because of the intimate nature of the things they are being helped with coupled with their already vulnerable state. You and the brother have a similar relationship. Just for goodness sake don't say or do anything to give the brother any hope. Even NOT saying something can be giving him hope. No matter how you think you feel about him just pretend you want nothing of the sort of relationship he does. After all, exchanging brothers went out of style back in the biblical times.

[keen2learn]

Don't feel evil; you're spending a lot of time with him in an emotionally charged atmosphere, so it's not surprising. It's worth remembering, though, that if you acted on your feelings now, you would feel really bad afterwards, and that turn into resentment against your brother-in-law. It would also add a terrible load of guilt to your grief. The same would happen to him, and you'd both be disliking each other at a time when you both need support. I think you just have to live with the feelings for now, and see them as a natural side-effect of the situation. Only time will tell whether this is a transitory feeling or something to return to in the future.

[andy hughes]

Sound advice, and reasoning, so far. Emotional dependence and perceived attraction are hand-in-hand in these situations. What you need to know is, once your husband has gone and you have gone through your grieving process, you will look back on this time and wonder how you felt this way. the sight of your brother-in-law will for ever remind you of this terrible time, and if you had entered a relationship, this new emotion would see the end of it pretty quickly. You will get past this, but you must be aware that this crush, and that is what it is, is unfreal, for both of you, and acting on it would be a mistake. Try to focus your need to confide in someone  on someone less likely to provide these feelings - ask your professional carers for some counselling, this will help you get everything into perspective. 

[libertie]

Can't disagreee with any of the advice you've had so far - especially Andy's, but its worth remembering that you're brother-in-law is also very emotionally involved and feeling very vulnerable and no doubt dreading the future, so you should both be treading very carefully!!  By the way you are certainly not evil, if you did'nt care deeply for your husband you would not be feeling so bad. Good luck and I hope you find the strength to get through what is obviously a very distressing time for all concerned x

[smudge]

Hi imwho - Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about your husband's terminal illness & the dilemma you have found yourself in.

 

I feel that you are dealing with too many conflicting emotions here. This may seem difficult for you, but for the moment, try to put to one side any feelings you may have towards your brother-in-law. Concentrate on loving & caring for your husband. This way, when the inevitable does happen, you will not have a burden of guilt on your shoulders.

 

When you find yourself on your own again, give yourself time to grieve & get your emotions back on track. If after a time you & your brother-in-law still feel the same about each other, then it was meant to be & you can progress from there. 

[smudge]

P.S. imwho - I wish you all the best at this very sad & difficult time. -x-.

 

flashpig & krissy 04 - Thank you for your kinds words. Your sentiments brightened my day. -x-

[goldheart]

Do what you want, it will never change the way you feel or what you had with your husband. The main thing is you! Once your husband passes away (sadly) you will still be here and you need to find happiness again - in whatever form it takes. So if you find comfort from your brother-in-law then let it be  - you may be mixed up right now and unsure but take each day as it comes and do what you feel and what makes you feel better. Noone knows what's round the corner so do what you want and what make's you feel happy! I wish you all the best though, must be a hard time for you right now.

[Morrisonker]

I'm agreeing with everyone so far, but Goldheart I'm not sure I agree with you...

 

Of course you're going to feel lonely at this time, and it's tempting to take comfort if someone offers it so freely.  but think about your family and your in-laws.  You really need to be cautious here. It's not just you that this decision will affect.  Do you have children? I don't know if your husbands parents are still alive, but consider their emotions if they found out you were or had engaged in some kind of relationship with their son whilst your husband was dying? 

It's easy to be selfish in these situations and to see everything as it is now, but you will not always feel the same way you do now, don't risk losing the support and kindness of a family you've been part of for 10 years, just because you've got a crush.

 

Be there for your husband, and if he hasn't already, I'm sure he'll bring up the topic of what he wants for you when he's gone.  He's going to say that he wants you to be happy, to find someone else, but I doubt he means his brother.  These feelings are only temporary, you'll get through them if you just see them for what they are.

 

Goodluck xx

[landie]

It's probably akin to 'Stokholm Syndrome' and may be difficult to escape from. I know it's difficult, but do what you can for your husband while he lives and then try to rebuild your own life. Sorry if that sounds a bit blunt, It's not intended to.

[imwho?????]

thank you to all for your support.  im just so lost right now.  im 23 and have 2 children ages 8 and 4.  my husband is only 24.  his brother is 49.  that makes it even weirder.  i just feel bad.  we had children while we were young because we knew he had a high chance of  dying young. he has a brain disorder.  we also got married young.  we were in 8th grade when we had our first child. we got married when i was 17. i started living with him and his brother when  i was 13.  we havent been married 10 years but weve been together that long. im sorry i made it sound like i was married for 10 years. im not very good at expressing myself, as you can tell. i just want my husband to be happy.  he has 2-4 months left according to his doc.  my dad is comming to help me.  i havent seen him for 51/2 years.  im nervous about that.  i never had a mom. it was always just me and dad.  he comes home from iraq next month.  hes  not a fighting soldier--just a cooking one.   i have to go to work so ill write more later.

 

[dirtyharriet]

From What you have said, it feels as though you needed a father figure to support you through this very difficult time. You say that your brother in law is much older than your husband and I wonder if the fact that you haven't seen your father for such a long time has a bearing on how you feel?

It could be that when you see your father again and he gives you some much needed support, that your feelings for your brother in law will fade.

Although it isn't much help, I really would try not to worry about the "crush" you have towards tyour brother in law. When going through such a traumatic time, our brain sometimes needs an outlet to divert us from what is going on.