Women who stay with men who beat them.......

[pastafreak]

following on from RAGGYROMANS thread in R&D........Why do women stay with such men??? And I don't mean after 'just' one attack-but after repeated beatings. And this is often combined with non-physical intimidation and mental mind-games. I know that fear is often given as a reason.....but I think that if you were to speak to any of these women,they would come across as very strong.

[leelapops]

You would think so, pasta hun, but I think part of it is a desire to change them, and a little bit of denial, and the hope that it will be OK after this stressful time at work, or this difficult patch...

I don't know, I am fortunate enough to have been neither the victim nor the instigator of a violent relationship.

Did you get my message on last night's IaP thread hun? x

[4getmenot]

we had this question yesterday goes off to look for it. You dont know until you are in their shoes

[pastafreak]

Yes I did hun.....and I answered you -hope you are having a break between getting your degree and starting your job x

[4getmenot]

looks like it went , not suprising it was one of leggies

[pastafreak]

Ooops-sorry,4get....I didn't see that. If you find a link-could you post it here...thanks.

[Goodsoulette]

Because its hard to identify yourself as a victim of domestic violence. Hes not always bad etc etc Then theres the financial gloom of being a single parent ( if you are one) and thats even harder than you though.

Television plays these stories all the time, if it happens exactly like its shown then maybe something will click.

Then there is the fear. I had 18 months of hell after I booted him out, suicide threats, kidnap threats, waiting on my doorstep for me to come in the middle of the night, breaking into my house and taking things, now hes gone for good finally, Ive been left holding both the kids (who he never touched btw), a string of debt, he took anything of any value because I still let him bully me and walls and doors with holes in where I ducked which need repairing but the debts I have left make it a very slow process! If I had known how difficult it was going to be, at the time, I'm not sure I could have faced it. I had all these fears at the time and they were well justified, however, I wasnt expecting him to steal all my shoes, underwear and any clothing that he considered remotely sexy because he was going to make sure no one ever touched me ever again.

[Goodsoulette]

Oh and when I first started thinking that I was finally going to leave him for good, I came on here and asked about being alone again, believing it would be forever. Before he ever laid a hand to me, he made damn sure that I felt like a piece of cr@p. I still have zero self esteem in my abilities (didn't pick up a paintbrush until 2 weeks ago) and my looks, or my ability as a mother.

THese arent guys who just hit you, if they don't want you to breath, they wont let you and I mean that literally.

[SHELLP]

its not always easy to just walk away no matter what has happened. sometimes the mental cruelty is harder than the physical you feel so demoralised and helpless, my partner tried to isolate me from everyone so when i left had no one to turn to but old friends have rallied roulnd and i will be taking him to court.

[leelapops]

OK pasta sorry, I will check it. I am getting a week to settle in, so that's OK.

GS makes a very good point (esp as she speaks from experience), and 4get you are right-no-one must ever know until it happens to them how horrific it is.

[pastafreak]

I have always thought-and what Goody and SHELLP say confirm this-that it is the mental intimidation that does the worst damage. I have been lucky in my two marriages....only one incident in each,and both were more of the mind-games type......and I can only imagine what that-repeated over and over again, must be like. Are you healed enough Goody to feel that you came away from it with your self-respect intact???

[leyenda_tres]

I think its a terrible thing.
But can be self perpetuating if you dont make the break.


I know someone in such a position and its going to come to a head soon .
well i hope so.
but you can only advise folk .let them do what their head tells them..


( Btw my thread the other day waas removed , but was a proper debate .seems it can be ok for some not others. )

[Abdulmajid]

To put it bluntly, the women have no self-respect or balls.

Harsh, but true.

I know it is a different kettle of fish (but it does happen) but if a woman started beating me, I would kick her out. Simple as that.

Unless you are a special kind of spastic, or whatever the PC term is nowadays, we were ALL born with a backbone, and these weak women should bloody well use it in its literally sense.

[Goodsoulette]

WHat a strange sentiment from a man who thinks women should know there place!

Pasta I dont mourn for the relationship. I know that he was awful, but there were so many things that were easier with him . I don;t really think about me to be honest, I have very little me time! I think i need a little bit of fun and love to properly move on!

[Abdulmajid]

Goodsy, I maintain that women are naturally subservient but I have never accepted the beating of women in the history of my life.

The only times infact I have been in a fight outside of the Army and the Rugby field is interfering with domestic situations where I have witnessed the man strike the female. Take my word, the abusers came off worse.

Death to wife-beaters. Scum of the Earth.

[raysparx1]

It is hard to understand, but these men are very crafty, first of all it might be a little slap, or starting to control their minds, then comes the hitting and the who else would want you, you are pathetic, why do you make me hit you, the woman often feels that she has pushed him too far and it is her fault so maybe she deserves to get hit, and who else would want her? no confidence, feeling crap, no self esteem he is the only one in the world that could possibly love her, So wrong once any woman has been hit, get out once is too much, get out before you life is completely controlled by some piece of scum. rant over.

[mycats]

At the risk of sounding like a cliche- you really cannot understand unless you have been there.
It is mental abuse and brainwasing that does it.
I honestly 100% KNEW that what my ex was telling me was tru7e, I would never get him out of my life, I could never escape etc
couple that with living in genuine terror for yourself, friends and family and you are trapped.
I look back now and honestly believe tha I was ill, mentally all through that "relationship".
I was always the first to say "no way would I put up with that, first time it happened I would leave" but sadly (and inexplicably) it's not that easy.
I wonder how many people have genuinly been TERRIFIED of another person? I mean in complete fear of your life?

[pastafreak]

The only way women can ever be subserviant is culturally......I don't believe it is part of our innate nature to be less than a man. Physically we may be weaker in some ways...and stronger in others......but it all balances out. We are ' weak ' because traditions say this is so, -we saw other women such as our mothers behaving in a certain way - not because we actually are.

[Abdulmajid]

Culturally???????????

Mmmmmm and there I was thinking testosterone was a natural thing.

Why, at a guess, are about 95 percent of ALL cultures based on a patriarchy??

Biology has a massive part to play, surely?