Commitmentphobia

[BUNNY]

Is there such a thing as commitmentphobia or is it an excuse for not wanting someone enough?I have a friend who has been dating a guy for 10 years.He simply refuses to marry her saying the thought of commitment frightens him.Is he simply refusing to cut off his options by settling down or is there a valid feeling and reason behind his decision?I know other people who have had the same type of experience but to a lesser degree.I dont understand,if you really love someone whats scary about being with them?

[Clare A]

Tricky one! It depends upon a lot of things. Your friend's guy might feel they're OK as they are, therefore 'if it ain't broke don't fix it'. You don't say whether they live together, but if they don't, it may be important to him that he has his own place, rather than a half-share in a place with a partner. Knowledge of any failed previous relationship on his or your friend's side may be making him feel wary.

I read in the (English) Times newspaper recently an article by one of their journalists, Jonathan Gornall, in which he said that there was no such thing as commitment phobia. If a man doesn't ring, or won't move in with you or marry you, then you just don't mean that much to him. As that was written from a male point of view, it's worth considering it might be the truth!

[Oneeyedvic]

I disagree - but then being a man I would!

If someone has been dating (exclusively??) for 10 years then that is a commitment. If it has not been an exclusive relationship, then I would agree with the Times - there is no commitmnet or plan to commit from the man. However, he may simply feel that he has seen so many marriages break up that he doesn't want to marry. Is he scared of having kids?

I believe there is a phobia about this - and saying if you really love someone.....is not really any point - a phobia by definition is irrational. I can explain to my wife how going up a high mountain will not kill her - she is still scared though!

[Miss Zippy]

I thought I was a commitment phobic but the truth was I just hadn't meant the right guy. I was with someone for 9 years but felt scared and suffocated about marriage, and subsequently in two shorter relationships where I didn't want to get married or even live with them. I really thought I had a problem. Perhaps because my parents had split at a young age, I had a problem with marriage?  Truth is, you can make all the excuses you like but when you meet the person you're meant to be with that all changes.  There is no such thing as commitment phobia, you simply don't love the person enough to make the ultimate commitment. Many people stay in relationships even though they have no intention of marrying their partner for all sorts of reasons, be they financial or simply because they are scared of being single.

[woofgang]

I doesn't matter what you call it or what the reason is, if he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't. If this is a big issue for your friend then she needs to take steps, if it isn't she doesn't

[landie]

How can you have a 'Relationship' that means anything if there is no committment. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it.

[El D]

Im confused then - if someone marrys after 6 months are they then more committed than a couple together exclusively for 10 years. Why does marriage mean anything these days? How can an institution where, what, 1/3 end in divorce and separation possibly signal committment? To talk as if committing for 10 years of your life is meaningless compared to saying a few words in a ceremony which has lost all meaning is quite frankly absurd.

 

I would say that if she is unhappy with his committment then she has her own issues to deal with.

[landie]

I guess I need to clarify my perceptions. I was assuming that the act or process of marriage was a public demonstration of two peoples committment to each other. I did not mean to assert that there are no committed unmarried couples. Apologies for any offence.

[Hgrove]

I recently read a book entitled "He's just not that into you" (!); well I am not paid to advertise it but I really enjoyed it.  Incidentally, when I told a friend of mine about it, she said it sounded just like the Jonathan Gornall article mentioned above.  Basically the book says: girls, stop making excuses for a man who says he is afraid/not ready for commitment; chances are, he's not sure you're the one. So move on.

[Miss Zippy]

Hgrove, I've not read that book but you're so right! I've read a book called 'The Rules', which basically says the same thing. Of course marriage isn't right or desired by everyone, but if it's what one partner in a relationship wants and the other doesn't then you have to question why this is.

[secretspirit]

I think she needs to cut her losses. There is obviously something in the relationship (or in him) that is holding him back and after 10 years that isn't going to change. I think if she stays with him she has to accept that things will never change and presumably - although you haven't said the exact circumstances - that extends to not living together and not having children. If she's happy to live with that then fine but she shouldn't settle for second best if that's not what she wants or she'll end up feeling really bitter when it's too late.

[Cockney_si]

I've never felt ready for marriage although I guess if I met the right person I would change.

Could have married three times but never did, last serious dumped me because I didn't talk about marriage.  Surely building a good and lasting relationship means much more than getting married.