Am I Right To Be Feeling This Way?
Family Life0 min ago
Unruly 3 year old
8 Answers
Hi, I will try to keep this brief but my stepson's behavior is getting really out of control and is becoming a huge strain on mine and my partners relationship! On the one hand I am finding it very difficult because I dont feel I am in the position to shout at him but when I do my partner takes me to the side and tells me I am being nasty and is worried im becoming the 'wicked stepmother'! His son hits me, smacks and swears at me and when he is in my house he spits on the floor and breaks anything he can get his hands on!!!!! He stays at our house 4 nights a week its got to the point where I dread him coming up - I know this sounds terrible and I would never tell my partner this but his behaviour is unbearable ! My partner does little to help and chooses to ignore it and lets him get away with anything! We have a great relationship normally but as soon as his son comes up all hell breaks loose, he is properly cared for and has lots of love and attention but his unruly behavior is ruining our relationship! If anybody has experienced similar difficulties or could offer some advice It would be a great help! Many Thanks...
Answers
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Well firstly yelling at the kid will only make matters worse, he needs careful calm discipline and diversion tactics to make being with you and at your house a verysafe feeling, pleasureable experience for him so that he stops exhibiting unpleasant behaviour. You also need to talk to your partner about joint strategies to cope with this until you have sufficiently adjusted his behaviour.
I would suggest as follows.
1. It's far easier to prevent this behaviour hapening in the first place. I.e arrange for something stimulating and interesting for him to do the second he arrives, don't allow him time to himself to get bored or fractious.
2. when he does spit, swear or otherwsie get bent out of shape, quielty and calmly tell him no and divert him with something.
3. Don't make a huge deal over this behaviour or he will use it to stir up attention and do it all the more.
4. Make sure that you have an agreed strategy for dealing with this with your partner so that he cannot use it to drive a wedge between you and feel more 'special' to his father.
5. Make sure that his father gives him lots of attention. He's very young and is probably acting out of jealousy and insecurity, seeing you as a potential threat to attention from his dad.
6. Remember that he is a very little boy and that he is really not doing this with serious malice in mind. Children of that age when worried or distressed act very much on instinct and his instinct will be to protect his relationship with his Dad from interference at all costs.
7.I repeat again whatever you do don't make a huge deal of it.
Just be consistant with that strategy and I promise it will work.
I would suggest as follows.
1. It's far easier to prevent this behaviour hapening in the first place. I.e arrange for something stimulating and interesting for him to do the second he arrives, don't allow him time to himself to get bored or fractious.
2. when he does spit, swear or otherwsie get bent out of shape, quielty and calmly tell him no and divert him with something.
3. Don't make a huge deal over this behaviour or he will use it to stir up attention and do it all the more.
4. Make sure that you have an agreed strategy for dealing with this with your partner so that he cannot use it to drive a wedge between you and feel more 'special' to his father.
5. Make sure that his father gives him lots of attention. He's very young and is probably acting out of jealousy and insecurity, seeing you as a potential threat to attention from his dad.
6. Remember that he is a very little boy and that he is really not doing this with serious malice in mind. Children of that age when worried or distressed act very much on instinct and his instinct will be to protect his relationship with his Dad from interference at all costs.
7.I repeat again whatever you do don't make a huge deal of it.
Just be consistant with that strategy and I promise it will work.
The first thing you must do is to tell him exactly what his son's behaviour is like. He must also be supportive of you when you feel it is necessary to chastise the boy. You use the word 'partner' so I don't know if you are married or not. If you are married then he must accept that you are essentially the boy's mother. If you were his birth mother I'm sure he would not complain when you chastised an obviously difficult boy.
You need to have a frank discussion with him as to what your relationship with him and his son is. You mention 'my house' which indicates to me that you are not a permanent fixture in the boy's life. Maybe if you were then things would settle down.
Your 'partners' attitude also needs to be addressed. the boy's behaviour seems to go unchecked, so as far as he is concerned, he can act as he likes with seeming impunity.
In a nutshell, your 'partner' needs to understand that if there is a future in the relationship then you must be free to look after the boy as you see fit with his full support.
You need to have a frank discussion with him as to what your relationship with him and his son is. You mention 'my house' which indicates to me that you are not a permanent fixture in the boy's life. Maybe if you were then things would settle down.
Your 'partners' attitude also needs to be addressed. the boy's behaviour seems to go unchecked, so as far as he is concerned, he can act as he likes with seeming impunity.
In a nutshell, your 'partner' needs to understand that if there is a future in the relationship then you must be free to look after the boy as you see fit with his full support.
I fully endorse both of these replies. Very sensible and constructive. I wonder how the child behaves with his own mother? If he is just as unruly with her, don't despair; it is possible for children's behaviour to be modified, according to the people they are with. If you remain calm but firm and, very importantly, you accentuate the positive with lots of praise, even for the smallest of good behaviour, you will win this child round. I understand how resentment can easily take you over when there is someone nearby who just doesn't lend a hand or support. Try finding opportunities of being alone with the child, giving you the chance to instil your own set of values and indeed, build a close relationship with him. Keep calm and good luck! Let us know how you get on. A regular progress report could well encourage you.
I think ObNOXious's nailed it in one. You're dealing with a very young child, who needs to be shown boundaries, but certainly not by shouting at him. If you deal with everything calmly, and try and divert the boy's attention by providing lots of interesting and stimulating things to do, he'll soon see you as a friend instead of just someone who's not his real mummy.
Best of luck. I'm sure it'll work out in the end. x
Best of luck. I'm sure it'll work out in the end. x
totally agree with all comments shouting at a three year old only shows him you are loosing control and he receives negative attention. Children crave on attention negative or otherwise.
Firstly ypu need to talk to your partner about how you feel and both come up with joint strategies for addressing the childs behaviour.
Use the time you spend with him constructively with age apppropriate activities. Most important reward his good behaviour give lots of praise and also think of his good points.
ignore his misbehaviour assuring him you will only respond to him when he behaves
Try talking to him. It must be tough on him sharing parents and having a parent with a partner he may feel you are the reason his parents are apart and he needs to understand both his parents love him but are unable to remain together.
Its vital to have clear consistent boundaries that he knows understands and that are age appropriate.
Most important of all look after yourself anf your relationship by planning time fo r yourself parenting is a tough task and you need to have your own time
Firstly ypu need to talk to your partner about how you feel and both come up with joint strategies for addressing the childs behaviour.
Use the time you spend with him constructively with age apppropriate activities. Most important reward his good behaviour give lots of praise and also think of his good points.
ignore his misbehaviour assuring him you will only respond to him when he behaves
Try talking to him. It must be tough on him sharing parents and having a parent with a partner he may feel you are the reason his parents are apart and he needs to understand both his parents love him but are unable to remain together.
Its vital to have clear consistent boundaries that he knows understands and that are age appropriate.
Most important of all look after yourself anf your relationship by planning time fo r yourself parenting is a tough task and you need to have your own time
I don't think that shouting at him is very good, because he obviously doesn't respond well to this. You need to tell your partner to gets his finger out of his ar5e and help with his behaviour. I agree with obNOXious, when the said 3 year old, spits and screams, calmly and firmly lead him to a quiet place and tell him what you think of him doing that, tell him that its not approriate and that how could such a nice boy do such an awful thing and that you're very dissappointed in him. Then ask him if there is anything he would like to do and then assist him in anyway he needs. You also need to calm down because he may be doing it because he's jelous of you being with his dad etc. . Children react differently when in situations, but you need to let him know that you're his friend. If that doesn't work, kick him out your house and say he can stay there until he's 18 and behave himself. :) . Mind you a lot of 18 year olds behave like 3 year olds anyway.
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