Older woman, younger man...does it work in the long run?

[Laura4363]

Now I know I'll get some sarky comments but this is actually on behalf of a friend of mine who uses the site quite a lot and doesn't want everybody to know who it is with this problem.  Personally I think she's daft but she wants some other opinions!
She's been seeing someone on and off for a while, who is a few years younger than she is (he's a young-looking 34, she's about to turn 42 and looks it - her opinion not mine!).  Recently it has got more serious and they've now decided they're in lurve..aah, how sweet.   The thing is she is stressing out about how he will feel in a few more years when she's older and wrinklier and he's still in his prime.  He insists she's the one for him and he doesn't mind a few wrinkly bits but this is really getting to her.  She already thinks he's way above her in the looks department (he is pretty gorgeous I have to admit!!), apparently there's supposed to be some kind of attractiveness factor where people usually find someone on their own level?!?  Anyway, although there are quite a few posts on here about age not mattering, is there anyone out there who can speak from experience and convince her that he won't run off with some young totty as soon as she turns 45??  Please help cos she's driving me daft about this!!
Btw sorry if there's any strange characters in this, I did it in Notepad first and pasted it in here!

[Miss Zippy]

Yep in a similar thread very recently, most agreed (those with direct experience and those without) that the age gap (where the woman is older) shouldn�t matter. It sounds like your friend just needs to work on her self esteem so that she feels she is just as worthy of a relationship with this man as the next woman. Who�s to say a man her age won�t run off with his nubile secretary? If your friend is very insecure, this could come across as being needy and will also make her appear to be suspicious etc. and this more likely to send her boyfriend running than her wrinkles and wobbly bits (which he clearly adores)!

[Casey]

I can't speak from experience, but when I was younger my friends Mum got divorced from her hubby and a couple years later met a guy who was 13 years younger than her, and you could tell! (not meaning to be rude). They got married not long after and are living a very happy life together, they had 2 children and have been together now for 12 years! Your friend shouldn't worry herself. When two people are in love then nothing else matters. He's obviously chose to be with her for a reason and is fully aware that people 'age', if anyone has a problem with people getting a little wrinkled as they get older then in my opinion they must be pretty shallow.

[Octavius]

I think if she is having serious doubts now, then the relationship is not going to last very long.  He will only have to glance at a younger woman (at any time in the future) and your friend will be all over the place. 

[anthomson]

I once heard the ideal age difference is about six years but with the woman being the younger partner. The reason being that both parties will then lose interest in sex at approximately the same time.

[Ouisch]

My husband is younger than I, by a similar age gap in your friend's scenario.  I teasingly asked him, when we were engaged, if he planned to trade me in for a younger model when I got old and grey.  We've been happily married for 11 years, and neither of us has thought twice about the age difference.  Your friend sounds like her relationship is based more on looks than anything else, and that's not a good sign.  And if she's that concerned about it now, and they do get married, her constant obsessing over it won't help things any and may even push her husband away.

[dirtyharriet]

It's not that large a gap is it? It shouldn't matter at all. I think the problem seems to be that your friend is suffering from a lack of confidence as suggested before and seems to feel that her bf is capable of getting someone "better" and has nothing whatsoever to do with any difference in age.

Has she always had low self esteem?

[Laura4363]

Thanks for all your thoughts so far, I know she probably sounds needy/insecure/etc but she isn't really. And she says she does NOT have low self esteem, she's just realistic about her looks so there!  In fact she's a bit peeved now cos she says she didn't come across very well...well I did tell her to write it herself, that'll teach her eh!  The relationship isn't based on looks, they were internet pen pals to start with and didnt even see each other for ages...in my opinion they just seem ideal for each other in every way really, it just so happens that he's drop dead gorgeous!

The thing is, she says (and I kind of agree with her) that yes a relationship should be based on more than looks but attractiveness must come into it as well, especially for men since we're always being told how much they rely on visual stimulation!!!  So no matter how much he loves her, surely there will come a point when he thinks "god she's old and saggy, I don't fancy her any more!"

The one good thing is that she's not actually hassling him about it, just me, so at least he's not getting fed up with her going on about it.  He doesn't really know how much it bothers her, not sure if that's a good thing or not really!

[Miss Zippy]

Sorry, definitely sounds like a low self esteem problem to me. Is she more insecure about her age or her looks? Has she come out of a long relationship/marriage where she was made to feel worthless? No one would deny that physical attraction is important in a relationship, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you need more than attraction to keep a relationshp going in the long term. The need to rip off your partner's clothes as soon as they walk through the door soon goes! If this chap is interested in pursuing a relationship with your friend, then he obviously finds her physically attractive. They have the benefit of having built up a good friendship before meeting, so he must also be strongly attracted to her as a person, which is a bonus. The poor guy can�t win � what if they had met up and he never bothered to contact her again?  She would have thought that he was a shallow so-and-so and was put off because of her age and looks. Can�t she just enjoy the relationship for what it is and not worry about what might or might not happen in the future? No relationship comes with a guarantee.

[kick3m0n]

I don't understand your point about him looking and thinking she's old and saggy etc......every woman who's with a partner into middle age and beyond faces that issue.  And some women age faster than others, so unless we all plump for older male partners, your friend is facing no bigger problem than the rest of us women.  I've been with my fabulous fella for 15 years now...from late teens into mid thirties.  I know that he has more grey now, a few more pounds, a couple of wrinkles etc, but when I look at him, I still see the 18 year old I fell in love with, and I fancy him more now than I did then, and that's the truth.   We have spoken about this and you know he says he feels the same way about me.  Our sex life and desire for each other are better than ever.  ok, so we're both only in our thirties but my point is we've sen each other change a great deal from the 18 year olds we were.   Your friend sounds like she thinks men are rather fickle, and all too hung up on appearances. dont' believe the hype - I just don't think the good guys are like that. Men fall in  love for life, just like women do.  if you can love them with their bald patches and love handles, they can certainly love you with your mature breasts and wobbly bits.

[dirtyharriet]

That's lovely kick3m0n

I must admit I find it hard to understand if she ISN'T suffering from low self esteem, why would she be worried? It's also worrying that she feels she can't confide in him. I tell my partner everything, even things I'm sure he would rather not know .

It really does sound to me that she doesn't feel secure in the relationship. How can she be if she's worried he's going to go off her? Either that or she thinks he is rather shallow?

[kick3m0n]

Cheers Harriet.  Have to say, I agree with you.   Even if she's being "realistic about her looks" why would a nice guy go off with someone else just cos his partenr has aged??   These looks are the same looks he was initially attarcted to.    Either she IS insecure (which may drive a very large wedge between couples, regardless of any age difference) or she has suspicions he's a total git.   Have previous men in her life been utter **-***?  Should have said in last post.....8 years is a pretty small gap to be concerned about.  She'll be 50, he'll be 42 to my mind, that's an irrelevant difference in age.  Maybe at 28 and 20, 8 years matters, but once you're a proper grown up with some life experience, 8 years is not a lot.

[BillyNoMates]

Absolutely no problem with it. Yes, I can understand your friends' concerns wrt to getting older and potentially wrinkly. I know how vain you ladies can be !!

Why worry ? If they are both genuinely happy together then stuff what anyone or society thinks.

Sadly we still live in a world where people have negative ideas about such things. Your friend must put these strereotypical, rather dated concepts out of her mind and enjoy life with her partner. She is in the prime of her life and she must enjoy it as such.

[Oneeyedvic]

I am 31 my wife is 55 this year. We have been together 8 years, married just over 1 year. Very happy together.

My wife had more problems than me about the age gap - she didn't want to tie me down to "an ickle old woman".

 

We have great fun together and don't really think about the age gap. Yes she will in all likelihood die before me, but then I may get mowed down my a bus going to work. You can't live your life on 'what ifs'.

There is a barrier to overcome, just as there are for any thing that isn't perceived as 'normal' - eg mixed marriages (which we're also guilty of), gay/lesbian relationships etc.

Tell your friends to enjoy themselves and have fun!

[Laura4363]

Thanks to everybody for your input...this is an e-mail i got from Kay this morning (with her permission!)...

guess wot, u were right and so were the answerbank people!!  Tonite we were talking about film stars, i asked him who his fave was, he said bridget jones, i said oh u mean renee wotserface, he said yes but not when she's all skinny and tarted up, when she's being bridget jones, she's a proper woman with cuddly bits, she wakes up with messy hair, she's not a perfect barbie doll.  THEN he says u know the same as u are, a real person, he said he cant be doing with high maintenance types who take 3 hours to get ready to go to asdas.  So i said, well dont u mind the fact that i'm going to get all old and saggy long b4 u do and he said well i'd rather have u old and saggy than not have u at all which is the alternative!!!  (Which i thought was really really nice!!!)  So then i said well dont u mind the fact that we look like the odd couple adn he said in what way so i said well like Lemar going out with Kathy Burke adn he fell about laffing and he said u know i've always liked kathy burke, she looks like my kind of bird.  So anyway.  I won't tell u all the rest of it lol.  The gist of it is that he doesnt care about me getting old and he thinks i'm gorgeous even like last week when i was full of flu and looked crap :o)  God he's so LOVELY!!!!!

Bless her :o)

[Miss Zippy]

Aaaw, I like a happy ending (especially Oneeyedvic�s) :o)  I bet most of the people who make any negative comments about the relationship are those who are in unhappy relationships themselves or just miserable in general and don�t like to see others happy.

[kick3m0n]

Laura....thanks so much for letting us know what happened.   I'm so pleased for your friend, you can tell how happy and in love she is from the e-mail.  Sounds like she's got herself a real gem there (as, I suspect, has he!).  What a lovely happy ending to usher in the weekend.......