My Mum still always negative..........

[FEELINLOST]

As long as I can remember my Mum has always crtitised me and made many judgements of me!
As a teenager I was never at home and made wrong choices in boyfriends which I regret today but left home at an early age.

Today I told my Mum & Dad that I and my partner of 10 years are planning to get married next Summer.

My partner is a Diabetic and has a mobility problem but is only 35. My Mum said that he will be a burden on me because as he gets older he will need a lot of care and that I am too young for that, I am 28!

She said that he doesn't earn good money & that we are living in a council house which she calls poverty!!! Our house is so clean and tidy with modern furnishings!

She kept saying its up to you if you want to marry him but always giving me negative feedback!!!!

She says I never see or ring her amymore and I've said & emphasised that its because she has pushed me away so far that I do this!

Someone please tell me if it is the daughters duty to keep in touch with her mother as I feel that my Mum has done nothing but belittle me and always putting me down and critisising!!!!

Any advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[deepseadiver]

She will always be your mum whatever happens. I went through years of stuff with my mum but we really get on now but not really that close. She will always have your best interests at heart

[tinkerbell99]

your mum sounds a bit like a snob whos too much up her own bum to notice your happy she should support you and be happy for you whoever you choose to marry she should keep her opinions to herself it is not just your duty to stay in touch but hers also and so what if your man has a few problems she shouldnt be so shallow and be pleased you found someone who makes you happy and treats you right tell her to keep the neg opinions to herself and give you some pos

[ladyalex]

It's your life and you are the one who knows how you feel about your partner. I think the fact that you have lasted 10 years speaks volumes. What on earth is wrong with a council house ? No one knows what the future will bring. Maybe you will be the one needing help.(Hope neither of you do!)
Your Mum obviously has a problem and you have been bearing and continue to bear the brunt of it. Try to see her negativity as not to do with you, but to do with her, it's just that it is you that happens to be in the firing line. For certain sure, never, ever try to please her, you will never succeed. Not because you have not tried hard enough etc etc but because she is un-pleasable.
What would you miss if you did not keep in touch with her ?
Try writing the answer to that question down , then take things from there....it might help you to decide what to do.
I'm sure she knows where you live and will contact you if she wants to/needs to. If you want to cut off contact, just do it, don't have a scene and tell her, just don't contact her. if/when she contacts you be as bright as you can, relentlessly cheerful, and tell her very little about what;s going on in your life.
Good Luck. I think you are going to need it.

[pinktwink]

ypu don't have to keep in touch but she is your mum the good and the bad. have you tried talking to her and your dad about how you feel?? you may never get to have a great relationship with her as you can not change the reasons she is so negative as you say. The only thing you can do is choose your response to her. Dont invest too much in seeking her approval it may never happen concentrate on being happy you have your own life and hopefully your own family in the future

[curiosity]

Ladyalex has it spot on, she sounds like a critical mother possibly narcissistic personality, not aware of how much she is missing out on the happiness and love. She probably does love you to bits, but because of her own unoticed problem of low self esteem, or her personality traits, she actually is not skilled in giving you what you want or not aware that she is hurting her own daughter. Good Luck

[terambulan]

Jeeeeeeeeeeez....listen to the language

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLabQCqt5tc

[terambulan]

sorry, on the wrong site

[onlyme26]

Reading that it sounds like your mum is one of those parents that wants the absolute best for their kids and nothing any less will do! some parents are just like that and no matter what you do its never good enough!! she is the one with the problem, as long as your happy thats all that matters and if she cant be happy for you then its her loss!! i think about the keeping in touch it should work both ways really, sometimes you call her sometimes she calls you, thats how it is with my mum.

seriously dont like it ruin your life, as long as your happy then dont even think about what she says, just refuse to tell her anything in future!

xx

[catcuddler]

hi feelinlost.my mum has done lots of hurtful things and i cant forgive and forget including slagging off my partner so i understand where your coming from.what i did was weigh up the good and bad.if she makes you feel bad,worthless,useless etc more often than she makes you feel good then is it worth seeing her just to be made to feel so bad.as for duty surely its her duty to make you feel good and special as much as its your duty to keep in touch.if she isnt treating you like a daughter then why should you have to treat her like a mother?anyone can give birth but being a mother is a different thing.hope this helps and sorry for rambling :-D

[brenda]

Be as friendly and positive to your Mum as you can, she is the one with a problem.Try not to let her get to you, and try if yoi can to put it out of your mind.

If you and your partner can present a united front to her in everything she may realise that she is wasting her time with her comments.

Life is not just about money or what kind of lifestyle or house you live in, it is sharing and caring for each other.
You have been together a long time now , and in the future one of you may have to care for the other, but which one?
Who knows and who can tell, so please live your life in the way you both want and take no notice of your Mother.

She sounds a nasty piece of work to me and you have no duty whatsoever towards her, if you do not want to have.

You are merely a by -product of her actions in the past, no more than that if you don't want there to be.

Sincere good luck to you both.

[Whoever]

I sense that your mother had a pre-ordainded set of standards in her own mind that she expected you to achieve and feels disappointed that she feels you haven't measured up to them. But she seems to have lost sight that when you have children, they grow up to have minds of their own and probably she has never really be able to reconcile herself to that. She is probably right that as the years go by, your life may be harder and poorer with the man you have chosen to marry if he has disabilities, but that is your choice - not hers, Nobody is putting a gun to your head and forcing you to marry this man and you are pefectly capable of weighing up the issues and making your own decision.
I suggest you sit down with her and tell her that she will always be your mother but now that you are an adult, she must accept your right to live your own life and take responsibility for it. Presumably as a parent, that is how she encouraged you to grow up. If she's sensible, she will look into the future and understand that her negative attitude will only drive you away. So your marriage is your choice, and her attitude to you is hers.