Depressed

[yellowduck]

I really need some help but I don't want to ask the doctor for it cos I don't want to be classed in a category of sick people. Basically I can't stop regretting. I have absolutely no confidence. I go to a top university, so I know I'm clever and have potential but I haven't been the sort of person I want to be while I've been at uni. I met a boy who became my boyfriend within two weeks. I'd never had a boyfriend before and he's always completely doted on me. He's a really good guy. Unfortunately he led me into a bit of trouble (although I take responsibility for this too) but we were both let off the hook and it shouldn't have any further effect on our lives. But I'm beginning to regret him. I can't help but think I wouldn't have got into this trouble in the first place if it hadn't been for him. Also I felt like he held my back in terms of socialising. He doesn't like clubbing and always preferred to cuddle etc. At the time I did too but now, while I've got a couple of best friends, I don't have a wider group of friends. Plus my best friend often goes home and my other best friend is very much part of the wider group of clubbers. But at the same time, in my first year I really did find university very overwhelming particularly the academic standard and my boyfriend was always there to support me through all that. I'm able to be 100% myself with my boyfriend in a way that I don't think anyone is quite with friends. I feel very close to my two best friends but not absolutely 100% myself all the time. I'm going into my third year and I'm not so much upset about the actual situation, rather the idea that I haven't made the best of my time. I know the obvious advice is to make the most of the rest of the time and I'm really going to try to do that but I think I have a more deep rooted problem about regretting and worrying all the time about absolutely everything. I have had things to worry about in the last year or so but I just can't seem to get over it all and be

[yellowduck]

positive and I'm also desperately sad that some of what should be my best years are going to be tainted in my memory. It's just you can't re-do uni and I feel like I've let myself down. And I'm no longer sure about my boyfriend cos having thought about it a lot of my problems have stemmed from him but then at the same time he's also given me so much - I've been in love, I've lost my virginity etc and I've had amazing times with him. And despite the trouble he essentially got me into he really is a very nice person. I think I might be lost without him at uni cos I do worry a lot, but then that's not a very good reason to keep going out with someone.

I'm generally all over the place emotionally and when I'm stressed I don't eat which obviously gets me down physically. I think I'm depressed or have anxiety or something but I don't want to have that diagnosis forever in my mind when I'm older. I just don't want to have so many bad memories. I really don't want to be an unhappy person and I'm scared I'm going to be when deep within myself I know I'm clever, quite attractive and fun as I've got some very good home friends. I just don't feel like i've had the opportunity, or rather taken the opporunities when they came along, to show that.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[barney1966]

this is going to take a lot of answering and advice - as it takes a lot of reading.

Believe me, everybody has these feelings of inadequacy, wasting their life, etc., etc and many of them will appear outwardly confident and successful.

I'm not sure that your relationship is the best thing for you. Do you think you have a long-term future together or do you think you are just together because you got together early at uni and now it is just a habit. I think if you stay together long term you may well end up blaming and resenting him for the problems you feel you have.

Are there any counsellors/advisers, etc. at uni? I think it would really help you to have a good long chat with somebody.

GL

[onlyme26]

Hello, i kinda understand how you feel, but i dont think taking pills is going to help, you have lots of reasons for the way you feel.

I know this is the easy answer but i honeslty think that you need to tell your b/f how you feel, you need to break free and have some fun! doesnt mean you cant be with him, maybe just see less of him and have more fun with friends, this will build your confidence, make you feel better about yourself, you will be doing something you enjoy and socializing so you will prob make more friends, try not to regret him or the things you have done, its better to regret the things you have done then not done, so ill have a long heart to heart and tell him exactly how you feel and work towards making the time you have left in uni, unjoyable, coz like you said you wont get this time back

good luck xx

[onlyme26]

hahahahha i meant i'd not ill

lol i dont even know him!!

xx

[happyone2]

You can not change what has happened in your past, and to spend time wishing it were different, is a pointless and dare i say stupid exercise.

If you cant change it, which you cant, you might find it easier to accept that you went to university with many issues that needed addressing ( as i might say we all would have done ) .....had you not had the, albeit sometimes questionable support of your boyfriend, you might very well have coped better, but you might actually have had more problems and not coped.

The issues would have been yours to deal with and would have still gone with you, whether you had gone to university, got a job, back packed round the world or sat at home crying over silly love songs !!

the issues would not have not been there just because you had a "better" or "nicer" boyfriend. You can not run away from them and the sooner you clear them, the sooner you will be the content, happy person you crave to be.

whether that is with or without him only you can know, and no action you take is right or wrong, it merely means you will deal with your issues differently depending on the life you make for yourself - with him, he will give you support but want you tto himself for cuddles, without him you would be able to go out and make more friends ( which might challenge you !!) but you wouldnt have the 1-2-1 support he was able to offer. I hope you see what im trying to get over ????

only you can make you happy, only you can make you sad.............. i dont regret one single thing in my life ( although i am quite embarassed about some of them, but thats another story !) but i know had i not had issues i might well have been happier.............but hey !! i wasnt, i couldnt be ............but im going to bloody well try to be in the future !!!

good luck !!!