How many, etc?

[flashpig]

Why do I want to know about my girlfriends previous boyfriends? I mean, I know I mightn't want to know, but I still think about it. I know she'd tell me about them but I don't want to ask. So I just think about it and occasionally get myself thinking myself crazy. It's also none of my business so why should I be bothered or ask?

 

Do other people get this feeling, or is it just me?

How do I get around thinking about this?

[rja211077]

oh believe me, it's a completely natural thought. i find a constant dichotomy in relationships which is that on one hand, your partner's past is irrelevant, none of your business and asking about it is generally only going to stir up bad feelings, but on the other hand, their past is what made them how they are today, so it's important to know about it...difficult one. you've just gotta strike a balance and ask the right questions in the right way. bon chance.

[Scarlett]

I think it;s best not to ask. The more you find out, the more you want to know. And that is not healthy!!! Just accept that before she met you, she did see other people- but she has now met you and is with you OUT OF CHOICE!! So, be glad, and forget about the past. Look to the future.

[Cockney_si]

Too right mate, she's with you now, not with them.

Keep the morbid curiosity thoughts away and think of nice things to be doing rather than dwelling on the past.

[butter1]

I agree wtih rja211077 - people's past is what made them what they are today.  I think if you are going to ask, them be prepared to listen.. but I don't think ex's necessarily have to be bought up in any relationship.

[Casey]

I'm female and I feel just the same when I get into a relationship. My boyfriend feels this way too and he's even admitted that he felt the need to know about my ex's even though he then feels upset and slightly jealous! But we asked eachother what we felt we wanted to know just to get it off our chests (when we'd be going out for a couple of months). It was pretty lucky for me that he felt the same way. If you are both comfortable with talking about the past I don't see that it's a problem, even though it's not relevant sometimes it just bugs us not knowing certain things.

[Maggie-Mae]

I agree with the replies that say, dont ask.  My last bf actually knew my previous bf and it caused all sorts of problems of jealousy, insecurity etc.  I personally wouldnt want to know about my partners ex's.  What purpose does it serve by knowing anyway other than making you feel even more uncomfortable with the idea that she's actually had a past.  You should concentrate on your relationship with your partner and not on her past ones.

[Kilala]

I have asked all my previous Bf's- just as it has come up in conservation, I am completely non-jealous, just interested, we all have a first love, and someone we wish we had steered clear of... That is part of me, part of my life and I am bound to talk about it and ask about it!  Doesn't mean you have to go in to all the dark and damp details! 

I was with my ex for 4 years, and I split with him, so things were tender with hi for a while, but ow, having moved on and found the right man for me, I still talk about my ex and lo forward to catching up woth him- Just because the spark of attraction is not there doesn't mean he is no longer one of my best friends!  Surely your partners know of your ex's as you talk about them/see them??

 

... or am i just bizarre...

[Jackanory]

This reminds me of the Carly Simon song:

We Have No Secrets

We have no secrets

We tell each other everything

About the lovers in the past

And why they didn't last

We share a cast of characters from A to Z

We know each others fantasies

And though we know each other better when we explore

Sometimes I wish

Often I wish

That I never knew some of those secrets of yours

 

The water was cold

The beach was empty but for one

Now you were lying in the sun

Wanting and needing no-one

Then some child came, you never asked for her to come

She drank a pint of your Rum

And later when you told me

You said she was a bore

Sometimes I wish

Oftimes I wish

That I never knew some of those secrets of yours

 

In the name of honesty, in the name of what is fair

Your always answer my questions

But they don't always answer my prayers

And though I know you say that it's me that you adore

Sometimes I wish

Often I wish

That I never, never, never knew

Some of those secrets of yours

 

This song struck a chord with my hubby & me when we first met.  32 years later, we are still together!  :o)

[Jackanory]

Sorry about the double-spacing - it must do that automatically when you centre!?!

[flashpig]

You don't know how relieved that others, especially women think these thoughts too. Being young no I am at least slightly aware of how everything I think to do with sex or women might have a feminist interpretation slapped on it.

There I was worrying that it might be because it was because I was deep-down programmed to want all women to be virgins (this is not taking the mickey, I really was scared this was the case, anticipating a feminist reaction)

I don't know what will happen in the future about question asking, I don't know what I want, but at least I know that it is an issue for others and I am not a mentalist.

[Trillipse]

believe me, until you discover that one of your partner's exes is a psychotic, millionaire, mustachioed, short-ars_d, napoleon-complex, mysogynist, *already married!!*, control-freak, "all women should love me because i have money", nuisance-caller, power-crazed lunatic, who tries to split the two of you up because he feels he no longer has total control over your good lady through the perverse sugar-daddy relationship that he once manouvered her into, then you have nothing to worry about. until then, ignorance is bliss.