how do I cope with my partners unruly children?

[bluemoonlite]

I have been with my partner for 6 years and about a year ago he aquired full custody of his two girls ages 13 and 10 due to the mother dealing drugs.
They have had a rocky up bringing and things have been difficult. I have tried and tried to bond with the girls and time and time again I have been destroyed by their reactions.
my partner and I almost split up last year as I had taken enough, he is not supportive on my part at all and I thought it best if he found a woman who can play the role he wants in his childrens lives and I go my own way.

we agreed to make more effort, he would spend one night a week with me alone and I would spend one night a week with them as a family.
I tried this but it was difficult for me. the children are aggressive and talk down to each other and everyone else and it makes me cringe, although I constantly remind myself that it is all they have ever known with their upbringing.
I really gave it 100% and even booked an expensive holiday for the four of us for their christmas present as all they talked about was having a holiday. I thought they would be elated - their reaction floored me. the youngest said "Is that it? what kind of a present is that?"
I've not felt the same since.
Now things have gotten so bad im wondering if I will have to leave my partner. Its got to the stage where I cannot bear to be in their company. sadly i am really starting to loathe these two children. I know its not their fault.
any advice that can make me look at things in a different light would be whole heartedly appreciated.

[zzxxee]

well i kind of no how your feeling, my partner has threatened to have his kids permanantley.... you obviously knew he had kids and took him on knowingly however nobody asked you to be their mum.... is the mum getting treatment for her addiction??? do they see her at all?? need some more info hun

[bluemoonlite]

Hi thanks for your reply :)
the kids see their mum one day every weekend and for a couple of hours twice a week after school they usually come back with a totally changed persona. Their mum has been offered a lot of help as she has been arrested on suspicion of dealing class A's many, many times but they always let her out. she never takes the offer of rehab seriously though, even after losing her kids!
she is in very deep and for someone on social she has a ridiculous amount of money and material things which she uses to keep the children happy. they own more expensive jewellery and mobile phones than I do! they often come back after spending time with their mum with acrylic nail extensions and expensive human hair extensions looking about three times their age! which I think is very inappropriate dress for such young girls and will only lead to further problems.
youre very right when you say i knew they existed when I met him, but due to his situation with the ex she would not let him see them more than about once every 6 weeks and that was usually just for a day so I guess i never really gave this situation much thought - Stupid of me!
I guess I never really knew they would be this troublesome either as we never got to see much of them.
I just wish things were different as I dont mind having to share my partner with children I just wish they WERE children ,and not mini adults with attitude. ( sometimes its like having two Charley's from Big brother!!!)
I'd love them to let me love them like kids.
I guess they are so used to being independant that they give out a tough guy vibe.
I know its not their fault they have had a tough ride ... but from my (selfish) point of view its still very hard for me to cope with thier nastiness.

[Velvetee]

This is difficult situation. It's hard enough taking on someone elses kids, when they are well behaved, but it must be unbearable dealing with ones like you've described.

I cannot see the situation improving, infact it will probably worsen as they get into their teens, then you will have to deal with all that teenage angst too.

Your partner's children will always come first and rightly so, so I don't know what future there is for your relationship, especially seeing as he is unsupportive.

I suppose you could try family counselling. From what you say, it appears you have done everything you can. I certainly wouldn't have stuck around for so long.

[andy-hughes]

I sympahtise because I have two children from my wife's first marriage, and we have a third daughter together.

The first and essential rule in dealing with step-children is a united front from you and your partner. Without that, you are lost. It's not just step-children - all children try and play one parent off against the other, that's normal, it just has additional ressonance when you are ths step-parent.

Your partner must back you at all times infront of the children - even if he thinks you are wrong, he must back you, and discuss it later when they are out of earshot. Once the rules are esablished and applied by both of you, you can start to get some sense of a family going.

Children respond to rules and discipline, it makes them feel secure, so you need to get the rules in place quickly, starting with a respectful way for everyone to talk to each other.

It will take a lot of patience, with firmness, but you will get there - IF you have ytour partner's support.

You must make sure he knows that if he can;t support you as a parental figure, then the relationship between all of you is not going to work, so you need to discuss this with him first. If he is unwilling to commit to supporting you in this, then you need to think very seriously about the future of ytour relationship.

[bednobs]

i cant agree with what you have said about their behaviour not being their fault. At 13 and 10 they are old enough to realise (or be told!) when behaviour is NOT acceptable

[zzxxee]

its so hard when kids are this age if its that bad then i would suggest talking to a counciller putting your feelings into consideration you dont mention if you have kids??? you need to put your happiness first if you cant be happy then the kids cant be happy

[Yvaines09]

I think your partner should be standing by you and making them accountable for their behaviour. Of course they are important to him but it is also important that they respect the other things in his life too. They aren't babies - and yes they will get worse if they are allowed to get away with bad behaviour.

My ex husband's son used to spit in my dinner when we took him out and he never made him apologise. He then used to get all upset afterwards and say I was over reacting. In the end I didn't accompany him with his visits and it put a huge strain on the relationship. It ended for other reasons but I have to be honest - I was glad to see the back of his kids.

The relationship sounds slightly doomed if you don't want to be in his company now - I think the respect you may have had for him has gone.

Good luck though.