I want to help my daughter aged 19

[Jeffju]

I need some advice on how to help my daughter gain confidence in herself. She is intelligent, loving and capable, has a full time job (not great salary but she is happy there) she really is quite a lot younger than her years emotionally and doesn't socialise much. Not many friends. Has anyone else had any similar experience with their child? She is the youngest of two. Eldest at University, my youngest didn't want to go but has done quite well in education anyway, she just doesn't even like phoning people - finds communicating with people difficult out of her comfort zone.

Any comments or ideas would be helpful.

[andy-hughes]

Is youre daughter unhappy?

If not, I'd be inclined to let her live her life in her own way.

Some people are just destined to live quiet lives, and are perfectly happy that way.

If you are sure that it is your daughter who needs confidence, and not just you who is worrying about her, then suggest she joins a loval night class, or hobby group, if there is something suitable.

I certainly wouldn't push it. I have three girls, and their temprements are all very different - that's what children do, be different.

Don;t worry, she sill be fine.

[Annna]

You could suggest a variety of confidence building and assertiveness training courses (try google for local courses). Other confidence building activities include joining dance or acting classess.

She may feel like she has been living in the shadow of her sister and feels a bit of an under achiever. She could try talking to someone but this would have to be private therapy and could be costly.

What does she say about it?

[legendis.god]

she seeems happy.
apart from what looks like a pushy mum.

let her find her own way

[Jeffju]

She does feel in the shadow of her sister at times but only because her sister has more confidence. She is perceptive and knows she is a totally different character so I think she understands that part. Its just at the moment she seems to be going through a sad/lonely stage. I expect it will pass like most 'phases' do, I just don't like to see her unhappy. She seems to go from 'ok' to 'unhappy' all the time from what she says.

[Annna]

You are not being pushy, you are concerned and want the best for her. How she develops now can shape her future and what she becomes. It might be good for her to talk it through, a life coach is an option, a trusted older friend, teacher or career advisor might help. A gap year abroad might help expand her horizons and bring her out of herself. The options are broard but she has got to want to do it..... Good luck

[angel21]

Is she me? I am 21 and have social anxiety which is basically extreme shyness and I find things like making friends, communicating, saying what I think, speaking my opinions difficult. Maybe its something like that or maybe like you say it will pass in time.

[Jeffju]

She does tend to find some social occasions quite difficult, I wish she had a nice boyfriend - not compusory I know! - or a friend she could go on holiday with or days out. She does have an ex school friend and a few at work but no one to properly share time with.

She is learning to drive which will be a great boost for her independence so maybe I am just over protective. I've probably typed away some of my own anxiety here! but it was nice to get some feedback. Thank you for your help.

[angel21]

I really feel I can relate to your daughter, I only have one friend from school days who I keep in touch with and I don't have much of a social life. I hate making phone calls and find things like socialising difficult when it comes easy to most people. You could try talking to her about it but I reckon if she was unhappy then she would probably come to you as it sounds like you have a close relationship

[yecats2885]

no matter how much your or any other family member try and give her confidance you wont suceed.
as she will think 'well your just saying that cos your my mum, etc'
if she has fear about talking to people why not introduce her to social network sites such as facebook or myspace, these online friends she gains there will eventually turn into real life friendships with old school friends etc.
perhaps when your other daughter is home from uni you could suggest (secretly, being the key) that she takes your youngest out on nights out introducing her to different people.

she is young, and a boyfriend may not be the answer, especisally a bad one, that will just make her more unconfident, as if she is anxious and nervous then she will attract men who take advantage of this, sad fact i know but most teenage lads are like that.

[Jeffju]

Yes, I agree that would be awful. She isn't really into lads her own age, she prefers slightly older company actually. I'm glad we are close enough to discuss these things although, she does say' you say that cos you are my Mum!'