When the Child becomes the abuser to the parent

[cottonbud]

I am being emotionally abused by my daughter, it has been going on for over 2 years now but over the past few months, it has got so bad that i am making diary entries, digital camera evidence of the havoc she creates and have just ordered a digital voice activated dictaphone device to gather more evidence, she swears at me calls me an f...g c...t, tells me im useless and lazy. It is only a matter of time before she starts to get physical because when i call her a rude little child she retorts with, well im bigger than you !! I have had enough and regularly go to bed in floods of tears. I have asked a good friend of hers if she is being bullied at school and the friend said no, she is perfect at school, the friend actually says, when she comes home its like a tornado coming in, a complete personality change. I can't take anymore ,and either she goes or I walk because i can't bear the abuse anymore. This weekend has been atrocious and the abuse has been constant. I tried to look for help on the net and saw something called tulip that could help but couldnt find the actual website. Last year i had money stolen from my purse and now i have an outside style yale lock on my bedroom door and keep my money in a locked metal cash box in a locked bedroom, so no more stealing can take place. I have previously sought help from the school and that was in 2007 and i am still waiting !!!. I don't believe I am the only one that is going through this but i don't know where to turn to for help, My daughter was 12 in August last year and I am a single mother, the dad left in 1999. I work part time 21.5 hours per week. Hope I have given enough info for someone to be able to help me or put me in touch with people who can, because I can't take much more of it, it's making me ill. Many thanks for any advice.

[paraffin]

Other people may give you more comprehensive suggestions than I can because I'm anything but an expert in this type of situation.

However, yours is clearly a cry for help and you should consider contacting the likes of Social Services, Citizens Advice Bureau, perhaps even your own doctor as a matter of urgency.

It may also help if you have any family members you could talk this over with.

In my limited experience, this is the beginning of a kind of power struggle perpetrated by the child who sees herself as an adult already and she's clearly bent on bullying the person who probably loves her best.

You really do need to get some local help straight away. Do you have any neighbours you can confide in?

A problem shared is a problem halved. The only thing is: There's no magical solution to problem children.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that some kind of solution can be found - for you as well as your daughter.

[pinktwink]

I suggest you clearly point out to her her behaviour is totally unacceptable and you are seeking help. Contact a local parenting support group and / or social services.
Speak to your gp and seek a referral for her to child guidance/child psychiatry as there may be some underlying reasons for her behaviour. Seek help of family and friends and see if she can live with them for a while to give yuou a break.
Is her dad around??

[tamborine]

She sounds frustrated with her situation of being an only child with one parent - she only has you to bounce off? Perhaps more people around her could help; encourage her to bring her friends home etc - will cause her some distraction from you. You could invite your friends in to expand her attention.

[redcrx]

everyones heard of childline, but there is a parentline. it runs a 24 hour service and may help you find a siolution to your problem.
it must be awful to be in fear of your own child, i hope that you can find a way through this together.

http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/index.php?id= 760

[tiggerblue10]

Do you have brothers or sister who you could talk to or maybe your parents. You shouldn't have to go through something like this by yourself. Maybe if they knew what you were going through they could offer some help. And also help some way to sorting your daughter out.

What was she like before all this started happening?

[Ice.Maiden]

I think parentline could be of help to you cottonbud. It sounds very much as though your daughter's hormones are raging at the moment. When I was her age, I must've been a nightmare for my parents, but they were very calm, and I think this made me realise as I got older what fantastic parents I have. I never used foul language at them, simply because I was brought up to be respectful in that way, but I'd stay out, bring crowds of loud friends home, wear clothes which antagonised the, etc., etc. It was all part and parcel of growing up. My mum never once retaliated with harsh words, even though I deserved some, and today, we all have a very loving relationship. Best of luck.

[ELVIS68]

12?...and you take that sh!t from her?

[cottonbud]

i would like to say a huge thank you, i would also like to point out that she is not an only child, there are 3 children 1 son of 18 and 1 son of 10, this weekend she has been extremely spiteful to the younger one,verbally and physically. Unfortunately i have no brothers or sisters, my brother died in 2001 and i never had a sister, my parents are elderly and therefore unable to help, so i am going through this alone, i have some good friends but they have their own familes, so i don't actually get a break at all. She does play out with her friends but not to extent that she is out all hours, her close friend lives 3 doors away and they go either round hers or come here. I understand her hormones are playing up but it is not an excuse for the extreme behaviour that is happening, it is totally appalling and I used to blame myself, but now have come to the conlusion she is totally responsible for what comes out of her mouth, she doesnt hear constant bad language at the moment i just say to her if you cant say somehting nice then dont say anything, i will not rise to her bait, but it is very hard. I think social services will be the best hope because she will either cause me to have a breakdown or cause me to walk out. I am a counter clerk and even some of my regular customers have seen a change in me recently. It is truly horrific that a child can be so nasty to a parent, i wasn't a saint when i was younger but i had respect for my parents. Your answers made me cry, so another night in bed with the tissues, it's nice to know there are some lovely kind people out there willing to help and give advice, much appreciated.

[cottonbud]

i have just sent an email to parentline as i would be unable to talk to anyone at the moment due to crying, thanks to redcrx for telling me about them, hopefully i will get a reply

[tamborine]

Sounds like 'middle child syndrome'! They usually feel hard done by but have the easiest time - no responsibility as that is usually the domain of the eldest. The youngest is often the pet. Y can't you and the 18y old give her a good wack - she can then report to SServices & get hauled off. She'll see the error of her ways then!

Else - change the locks & dont let her in!

[Ice.Maiden]

Lol @ tamborine!
Seriously though, children mature very quickly these days, especially girls. It must be very upsetting for you to be talked to in the manner you describe, but although it's not your fault, you seem to be very stressed by all this. It's never easy when parents are left on their own to bring up one child, let alone three, even though your eldest one's now an adult, and although you only work part-time, do you feel as though you're giving this daughter enough time and attention? I personally think that she's just asserting herself - in the wrong manner, yes, but with perseverence, I think it'll eventually pass. x

[pinktwink]

the other important thing is to ensure you are consistent in setting limits and rules in the house with appropriate consequences for her behaviour. Say if she is abusive to you in the home she needs to learn respect before having friends over. It is important to phrase the behaviour you want in a positive way as opposed to the negative. eg when you play well with your brother then you can have time with your friends. The most importat thing is to stick by your word no matter how hard she may resist. I would also make an appointment for her through your local gp

[tamborine]

schit....4got ice was watching me.....new I'd get a rap - he he :)

I wacked my kids with a horse whip 'cause they laughed when I smacked them.....they didn't laugh at me again!

And I still keep the whips and my son warns my g.kids by showing them the whips.......house of horrors!

[oldmaggie]

Please please cottonbud pick up the phone and ring social services they were wonderful when a friend had a very similar problem. The longer you leave it the worse your daughter will become. Thinking of you

[daffy654]

My middle child went through the exact same thing as yours is doing at the moment cottonbud. She started when she was about the same age as your daughter and didn't improve until she was almost 16 :(
Her behaviour was so bad that she was arrested a couple of times for being drunk and disorderly! She was also temporarily excluded from school for various things 3 times,then permanently excluded just before her GCSE's.
I was unable to get any outside help,Social Services didn't want to know and I just had to wait for her to grow out of it.

If you can get help then grab it with both hands!!!

[ummmm]

Agree with oldmaggie. My son was behaving really badly in school but ok at home. The school asked if they could phone SS but wouldn't without my permission. They explained that they thought he needed some counceling and if SS got involved it would be fast tracked. SS are not there to take your kids away they are also there for family support.

Phone them. They are really good.