Can't help Mum anymore

[pedantic]

Hi. I just need some advice. I have been looking after my mother for many years. She is almost 99 and she is now bed bound. I have carers coming in 4 times a day but I am at the end of my tether. She is constantly crying and is very confused. All she wants is me and I can't cope any more. She is demented but isn't suffering from dementia or altzeimer's.

She has a soft tissue mass behind her eye but my brother, who is in no way involved with her care, refuses to let her have a biopsy. This means that the doctors are treating her blind, so to speak. She is not eating now and I am watching her waste away.

She has been prescribed haloperidol and it is the only way to calm her down. I hate drugging her up. I feel so guilty but I can't take much more. I am ready to give up and I feel so bad about myself.

[ummmm]

What do the carers think?

It's a hell of a lot to do on your own so try not to feel guilty.

Do you ever get to go out and have time on your own?

[k8bailey]

Awww pedantic, you shouldn't feel guilty you're doing all you can. Is there no one else who can help you, or offer respite care, so that you can have a bit of a break?

[Lil O'lady]

You ought to also talk frankly to your own GP about this - they might be able to assist with additional respite for you. It is a very hard time, but you have the etenal blessing of knowing you have done more than your best. The important thing is to now be very good to yourself, as all your strength will be needed for the time when she leaves you.

[obNOXious]

First off screw your brother, it's not his call and i believe unless he has some sort of legal court granted power that you on your own can give permission for your Mum to have a biopsy.
secondly you have done nothing wrong and everything right, and should be proud of yourself, not feeling awful. this sort of care is exhausting to anyone and you need proper respite which csocial services should be able to offer you.
Please make a HUGE fuss about her not eating... my ex wife's grandmother literally starved herself to death and none of the many medicals that my wife called in did ANYTHING to help her or her family.
But most importantly please remember that you have done nothing wrong, and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

[shaking]

Hi Pendantic,
You have my utmost sympathy for the situation you find yourself in. Having just lost my mum who was also bedridden I can relate to your position. It is a very hard thing to do but it sounds like it is time your mum was in a nursing home where she will be looked after 24 hours. Don't feel guilty about doing this, it is in your mum's best interests and yours as well. You will feel guilty doing this and it is heartbreaking knowing that you cannot look after her as she deserves. It is time you looked after yourself now otherwise you will be ill and how would that help your mum. Do not feel bad about youself you have done your best and no one can do more. Chin up, we are here to help.