To love or to be in love

[jessicasmith]

Ok, not too sure where to start with this as I'm not good at asking advice but here goes.
We've been married for several years and although we've had a few bad spells for the most part it's been good. There's been a bereavement of a close family member on my husband's side and it's had a significant effect on him, as you can imagine. Since this death my husband has decided to re-evaluate his life and started to take more of an interest in his appearance. He looks a lot younger than he actually is, gets a lot of compliments on his youthful looks and tends to spend a lot of time with younger people. He spends most of his time on the internet talking to these friends and often stays up into the early hours, after I've gone to bed. He told me the other night he wasn't sure of his feelings for me any more and when I asked him to elaborate he said he loved me but didn't know what love was any more. I feel so confused and without wanting to sound all self-pitying feel quite depressed.
He told me he needed some space and time for himself and when I asked if I should leave home for a while he said it wouldn't help. It feels like we're only going through the motions now without me being able to show my feelings any more for fear of getting them thrown back in my face and facing even more hurt. As well as the fact that I don't want to put any more pressure on him after everything he's gone through
I'm not sure where our relationship lies any more as he doesn't tend to discuss things with me that are affecting him and shuts me out. If I try to discuss anything he tends to fly into a rage and says I'm interfering.
Can anyone share their own experiences on this and offer any advice, would I be better giving him some space and moving out because it's no use being with him if he truly doesn't love me? Or is it just a timing issue and one that will resolve once he's got his head straight?

[ftj001]

Yes you are so right about not being with someone who doesn't love you. My advice to you would be to move out and give him the space he needs only then will you find out what his intentions are. He will either want you to come back because hes missing you like crazy or he won't bother to call you for months. And in that case you will get your answer.

Do you have children together? If so, then it may be a little harder to do it but believe me your suffering because you don't feel loved and it will consume you. You are a flower and when flowers are not watered they wither away. You don't want to be that flower (I was).

[chattykathy]

Sounds like your husband might need some bereavement counselling if it has affected him this much and if not, at least go to marriage guidance before he totally messes up your life as well. I wish you well for the future

[christina69]

he's having a mid-life crisis... brought on by the death of his family member.

you could give him the time... tell him he can move out & get an apt...
he'll be back...once he realizes that he had everything there that he wanted...especially if you say things were going well.

[pastafreak]

Definitely have a period of seperation. As things stand now,you may be doing your relationship more harm than good by staying together. In spite of his declaration that it would not help, some space will give him a chance to think about what direction he wants to go in...the same goes for you.

[Velvetee]

Hi Jessica, sorry to hear of your relationship problems. As you and others have said, the death of the close family member has made him change his outlook on life and has perhaps made him realise his own mortality. He's probably feeling he doesn't want to waste what time he has.

I do think he is treating you insensitively though. It's not your fault he has these feelings and I think he's being quite cruel. I'm sure you offered him support when he was going through the grieving process. Perhaps the death has affected him more than either of you realise and grievance counselling may help.

As for moving out. It seems your husband is the one with the problems, so I don't see why you should be the one to move. If he want's personal space, then perhaps he could move out, so he can sort his head out and decide what he wants, instead of keeping you dangling.