Wedding coming up...... problems....

[HJT40]

This is not something I ever thought I would have to ask about, but here goes. I am getting married in a few months to the love of my life and until recently were good friends with his brother and his girlfriend. His brother supposedly overheard me say that I was looking up their mums illness on the internet, which I was doing to be prepared for what comes next. His brother has it in his head that I was trying to prove their mother is not ill. He ignored me for weeks. I finally emailed him to explain and the reply back I got was that I could go to hell and that he wanted to be taken off the invitation list and that he would go to his brothers next wedding.

He also copied his brother in on this.

I have also found out that he has problems at work as well as finishing his relationship with his girlfriend. All he can say to his soon to be ex is that he doesn't care about any of it.

Today is the first day I have questionned the wedding, because I can hear how hurt my fiance is about how his brother is being and the fact he thought the family were so close, but he is now pushing a self destruct button and seeing who he can take down with him.

I don't want a cloud over our wedding because of his brother, yet I hate the thought of how hurt he is at the moment. What makes it more difficult is that his brother lives next door.

What can I do?

[Octavius]

Well, sorry to hear about all the stress and complications. I imagine that there must be a lot of worry and tension with the mother having an illness, but that really is no reason for them both to place you in the position of responsibility for the way they are behaving.

What is your fianc� doing about it? Is he just letting you deal with his brother�s behaviour? That seems vastly unfair.

[HJT40]

Thank you for your reply Octavius.

My fiance' is not happy with what his brother has been doing or indeed the email. He knows that I was looking on the internet about her illness because I didn't want to keep worrying him with questions, although I am sure he wouldn't have minded. Her illness is one that will get worse in time, at the moment with her medication I would not have known she was ill if I hadn't been told.

Today when speaking to my fiance' I could tell that the situation with his brother was getting to him and making him sad. I know up until the email they had still been in touch. Now I don't think he can see a way back. The email was full of venom and a lot of it quite childish. Like the comment about going to his next wedding. I did think that we were both dealing with it quite well until today.

I don't think he knows how to deal with it either. I am now angry at his brother for making my fiance' sad.

Ultimately I don't want his brother to get his way and ruin our day as selfish as that seems.

[Octavius]

Well the first thing is to stay calm, and from the info you have given, to understand that this is not your fault. It seems your future brother-in-law is having his own difficulties and is taking them out on you, and subliminally on your fianc�. He�s not a fool, he obviously knows how to hurt you both, a wedding type blackmail is a classic case, childish rants are another. He has nothing else to hold against you, I imagine.

I would take a step back, and encourage your fianc� to talk to his brother himself � not emails that would be impertinent. They need to resolve the issues between themselves, and then include you in the resolution. If the brother decides when talking to your fianc� that there is no turning back, then your fianc� needs to accept it make the decision not to invite him, rather than you.

He will only spoil the day if you let him.

[HJT40]

Thank you again Octavius. You have talked sense to me and I feel a lot better having read what you have said. In fact I read it twice!

Big hugs.

[beaniesq]

Just from reading your posts - it sounds like this is not about you looking up his mum's illness, it's about the fact that his brother is getting married to you, and he's got no-one. Jealousy and anger, basically. If he can't be happy, why should you (and his brother)?

I don't know who's the older brother, but maybe he thought he'd be the one to settle down first, and you've unwittingly usurped him. My mum always says 'hurt people hurt people', - it sounds like he's suffering, and thats why he wants you two to suffer.

I think in a few years time, he'll regret behaving like this. But it'll be too late for your wedding.

Therefore - If I was in your shoes, I'd go ahead with the wedding and hope he comes round.

Hope you are able to enjoy the big day.

[HJT40]

thank you beaniesq.

My fiance' is the younger one. I think you may be right, he thinks it should have been him first.

We have had a chat about it all, because I am obviously worried about how he feels with his brother not being there and he had decided that he can now invite his god mother and his mums best friend to the wedding in their place. We have made the decision to look forward to our day.

Who knows what will happen in the future, he may regret it, but you are right he will be too late.

Thank you for your good wishes, not long now and counting every minute. I can't wait!

[HJT40]

Just read an email from his brother to my fiance, understanding how he is under pressure not to talk to him and that I am a bitch and how he must be being p*ssy whipped.

How long is this going to go on? Is the run up to our wedding going to get worse?

My fiance' is going to talk to him tonight and I am sat in work feeling sick and crying................

[baileybird]

HJT i know how upsetting the email must be but the problem is one in your brother in laws head, and not yours.
He sounds very unstable to me, and how do you think his mother would feel if she got to find out what he was doing.
You are quite within your rights to check up on his mum's illness - I would too.
Is your mother in law well enough to speak to about this or is there a father still living?
I think someone wlse should act as a mediator in this as he seems hell bent on upsetting you. He does indeed sound very jealous and you need to get to the root of the cause.
Keep your chin up and try not to let him see he is upsetting you. Think carefully about what you want your fiance to say to him as you could just fuel his sick fire. Good luck xxxx

[HJT40]

Thank you Baileybird.

His mum does kind of know what is going on, he went to see her to tell her about me and he is now annoyed that neither his mum or brother understand why he acted as he did.

He apparently has done this kind of thing with people before, fall out with them over what he believes to be the truth and never speak to them again. He even crosses the road so that he doesn't have to talk to his Aunt.

[baileybird]

RIght - you need to stay strong here.
It should be pointed out to him that you do not understand why he got so irrate about what you did, but frankly you are not going to apologise for it. Tell him that he has spent alot of time and energy falling out with people and you are not going to let his behaviour affect your way of life or happiness, nor that of his brother or mother.
Inform him in no uncertain terms that if there is the slightest threat that he will damage your wedding day, he will not be welcome and he is very welcome to your fianc's next wedding but he may be in for a very long wait as he will not scare you away.
You need to be certain that your fiance does actually support you in this and shows no signs of disloyalty by in any way agreeing with his brother in private. Go to see him as a united front, and let him know that you have spoken to his mum about this and that he is not helping her by behaving like this.
Say that despite his behaviour, you will help him with his problems, but not at the expense of your happiness.

How old is this chap - he sounds very immature.

It sounds to me that if it hand not been about his mum's illness, he would have found something else to fall out about. He sound very jealous if the truth be known.

[HJT40]

I am lucky that my fiance' does support me the whole way with this. He is wonderful and I would never be without him. I am also in my 40's but just sound like a hystrical teenager! But I can honestly, hand on m heart say that he is the love of my life.

His brother is in his 40's, but confessed one day that he had been bullied and in turn turned in to one himself. I hate what he is putting my fiance' through. There is no need to threaten him with not coming to the wedding as he has already uninvited himself!

It would seem that everything he is saying comes from his ex-girlfriend, which I have often wondered where it all started.

I will be strong, thank you!