i feel awful.........should i?

[gossipgirl]

i recently celebrated my birthday and recieved a blown up canvas of my daughter off my partner. As lovely as it is i was dissapointed because i thought my partner would of at least had a picture of the 2 of my children put on it. Anyway we were all sat around the table when i was handed my presents, i was then handed the big one from my son, and i' knew ' it was a picture as i had mentioned to my partner that i would like a picture of the 2 of my kids together. I couldnt help but feel dissapointed when i saw it and i could also clearly see the dissapointment on my sons face to see he wasnt on it. he left his half eaten breakfast and went to his room! My partner and i went into the kitchen and he could see i was upset so i asked him why the 2 of them werent on it and why didnt he concider how my son would feel? he said he couldnt get hold of my phone, where there are loads of pictures of the 2 of my children together,to upload it on to the site and that he didnt have any himself. Could he of not taken one himself????? I started to accuse him of favoritism [ my son is from my previous marriage] and said that he didnt really THINK about what I WANTED, i also said that until i get one done of my 8 year old son i cant even think about putting it up on display as its not fair on him, to which he replied that we cant afford it as it cost �100, and that im being selfish and ungratefull. My partners behaviour and actions over the past couple of weeks have really made me start doubting if i know him at all and if i want to marry him. Our daughter is the apple of his eye, i know that, but hes showing it too much. My son is often being pushed aside by him and i believe you should never show that when kids are involved. He was a great father to my son before our daughter came along but since then my son dont get a look in. Any thoughts on this? has anyone been in the same situation?

[gbradfield]

your boyfriend sounds like the selfish one gossipgirl, i mean how awful that must of been for your little lad to be cut out like that. I think you need to keep reminding him that you have 2 children and that as long as you two are together he should be thinking of it that way too.

[CheekyChops]

I haven't got any kids but can't believe he has done that! It is incredibly selfish and he hasn't considered your feelings or your sons either.

How must your poor son feel, I know how I would feel if my parents got a big picture of my brother and left me off it!!

I would stick to your guns and refuse to put it up until you have got one of your son as well, it is bad enough him being left off the picture without him having to see it hanging on the wall every day.

[andy-hughes]

Objectively, I think your partner has been thoughtless rather than deliberately malicious - and he has tried to mask his guilt by passing the responsibility on to you - a classic male trait, I know.

I think you need to have a calm talk with him, away from the kids. You need to be sure that this is just careless and thoughtless behaviour, rather than an indication of some deeper malaise in your relationship.

I have two step-daughters from my wife's first marriage, and we have a thir daughter between us, and I have always been extremely careful to treat them as entirely equal, you can do no other as a step-parent.

Have a talk with him, and then you will know how to proceed, and I think he should have a serious talk with your (and his!) son and make sure that the boy is clear about his position in the family.

Just because your partner did not mean any harm does not mean no harm has been done, and he needs to take an adult approach to repairing the damage caused.

[lil75]

I would be upset too, as Andy said, I think it was thoughtless, and I would have a talk with him also, try and remain calm and explain that he used to be very good with your son, but now he is placing your daughter above him and centering all his attention around your girl, how would he feel if for instance the 2 of you separated and someone else treated his daughter as an outcast....I find with men, if you try and show them by giving an example of what your saying, they seem to understand more....maybe you could show him this post and the replies? Whatever happends I hope he understands and starts treating the children equally! x

[happyone2]

i think andys comment,

"Just because your partner did not mean any harm do"es not mean no harm has been done"

if he has the personal insight to see that however justified he feels his action were........ie she is my daughter , he is not my son................... it was hurtful to YOUR son and therefore hurtful to you............

Then, together �100 is a P**ss in the ocean of expense and one should want to sacrifice whatever it takes to rectify the situation....................and make your son feel a part of the family.

The question i want to ask is

how much pain will you allow your son to feel in order to keep your partner.......................... you may justify staying with him despite the impact on your son but be aware ....... the buck stops with you.....................you make him feel unloved and he WILL feel unloved, you make him feel of less value because his dad didnt stick around and the next one ignores him.................he will feel less of a person and his self esteem will be effected in later life..............

to be this torn is hard.................and the choice a difficult one......whichever you chose will have consequences and i wouldnt want to have to deal with it ...............

i feel foryou

[BRIZE]

gossipgirl, what a dilemma, myself and my partner have 3 children, a girl from my previous relationship, a girl from my partners last relationship and a boy which is ours.
We have always tried to keep them all on an equal footing, hard tho it is sometimes, and would never dream of having a picture of them taken without them being all together. My mother displays greater affection for our son than the girls which is the subject of many an arguement but i would rather fall out with her than have the kids treated differently.
This could impact on your son for ages to come. it would seem that a word or two with your partner regarding family wouldnt go amiss. take care

[WiseOldSage]

I don't think you are being selfish - I just think he is a bit insensitive. My husband and I have four between us (his two 18/17 who live with their Mum) and mine (18/5). Obviously when we visit his family we take my youngest - my eldest is either working or doing his own thing. Soooo ... when it comes to Christmas and birthdays he is completely forgotten - he doesn't even get a mention on cards or invites. It's like he doesn't exist. No one's fault - just he doesn't want to sit with a load of outlaws he doesn't really know. But it hurts me - just because I hate him to feel he is not wanted.