I'm so messed up

[indian]

Most of the time i'm pretty ok going along life. Some of you may know i'm on anti-depressents at the moment. The thing is, as soon as someone upsets my mood drops straight down and all i can think of is ending it all. To stop these thoughts i end up self-harming which makes me feel better. Why am i like this? I'm fine at the moment, but don't know what i'll be like if someone has a go at me (usually parents).

[LiverpoolLou]

Oh INDIAN, my heart goes out to you. You must be feeling really awful. Some years ago, an ex of mine committed suicide, and I blamed it on myself, ( the old thing, if I had taken him back and so on). I was also on anti-depressents at the time, and all I thought about was doing what he did, committing suicide because I thought, if I did what he did, his family wouldn't blame me anymore (even though I know now, it wasn't my fault), but his family needed someone to blame. Depression is an awful thing, and until you go through it, you cannot talk to anyone, because everyone is scared to talk to you because they think everything that comes out of your mouth is gobbeldygook. Even thought it's been 8 years since my ex committed suicide I still go throught bad day's, but I get through them, back 8 years ago, I had thoughts about self-harming, but luckily I just kept thinking about my daughter and how it would have made my daughter feel, god forgive, if I had actually gone through with any on my thoughts. Now I have a gorgeous grand-daughter aswell, and a gorgeous boyfriend.

INDIAN, you sound like you are quite young, and everything when you are young seems so much bigger that what it really is.........take a deep breath when you think your parents are getting at you, I know it's really hard, but they are probably only doing what they think is best for you...........good luck INDIAN, I'll be thinking of you XXX

[jno]

Have you tried therapy? I'm no expert, but you do sound like you need more than pills.

[LiverpoolLou]

Just a little footnote INDIAN, in respect to JNO, reply, I did have counselling, and it did help.

[Dom Tuk]

Hello Indian. I recall you mentioning once that you were called indian because you were indian. Si i infer that your parents are also indian from the subcontinent. All i can say is that Indian parents have a different concept of what a child should be. They have faced the pressures from their parents and conformed and have a similar expectation of conformity from you. In most cases this is done with a misplaced notion that it is best for the child. There could ne an underlying element of truth in their belief (as it is well meant) but this does not always translate to a western/british envornment. I had/have big problems with my mother. Thankfully my parents have relocated back to India and are too old and infirm to return to England. father has mellowed a lot and maybe that was what he wanted, to return, but my mother is still the same and orders me about and expects me to obey all her commands. I just laugh it off now as i can afford to and my plane leaves in the next few days. But when it happens everyday it is difficult. I really cannot give you any solutions to your problem. Just remember that 1) many many indian children living in the UK have this problem with parents 2) the parents are well meaning however bizarre and alien their behaiviour 3) try laughing it off 4) self harm will not solve it. I hope that the realisation that you are not alone in this will give you some solace. I lived through years of it.

[dirtyharriet]

Hi Indian
How log have you been on anti Ds? They take a few weeks to start working.
With regard to how you feel when people upset you, I can empathise with that.
I think if you haven't tried counselling it would really help to talk to someone who can help you to get another perspective on your feelings and your self harming. The last thing you need to deal with when you are feeling rotten is people telling you to get a grip etc. They mean well, but it usually makes you feel worse.
When you feel like ending it all, please talk to someone.
I also used to self harm, when I was a teenager something traumatic happened to me and I was too young to deal with the painful emotions I was feeling, so I used to get some form of release by cutting myself. I think I did it so that I could distract myself and that at least this pain and ensuing injury I knew how to deal with. I could dress it and put cream on it. My emotions I didn't have a clue what to do with.
I'm glad you're fine at the moment, and I hope you'll go on feeling fine. However it may be an idea to at least visit a wesite about self harming, so that you know there is support from others out there and you aren't alone.

Please take care

Dirtyharriet

[smudge]

Hi indian - I can't really add much more to the above posts, but at least you know that you are not alone in your thoughts & feelings.

One of my closest friends was going through a bad patch in her marriage & didn't realise quite what an impact it was having on her teenage daughter. On clearing her room one day, she found handfuls of scourers hidden under her bed, with all the foam bitten off each one! Rather than self harm, this was her way of dealing with the problems she was experiencing - by biting into the sponges & no doubt quietly screaming. My friend never mentioned what she had found, but kept a close eye on her & gave her much more attention. Thankfully, since the couple separated she's been fine.

I do hope you will find a way through your problems indian & that one day, life will be happy & contended for you. -x-

[brawburd]

Indian, if this continues you could ask your doctor about a psychology referral.  Psychologist would help you identify the triggers to self-harming and develop mechanisms to respond.

[kick3m0n]

Indian - I'm sorry I don't have anything to add to the great advice on the posts already here.  I just wanted to say that I wish you all the very best in getting through this - and you will get through it - and I hope your future is full of true happines and contentment.  Big hugs. xx

[Kay]

indian I feel for you. As a member of [email protected] I can assure you that you're not alone in your depression or the suicidal feelings that you sometimes have. May I ask what AD you're taking? Counselling is really beneficial,ask your gp for a referral.Please feel free to join the group,we have over 1,000 members and we will help all we can. Best wishes.

[Kay]

dom tuk. I could'nt agree with you more! My mother in law is indian although she's been in UK since the 50's. She has interfered,ordered and bullied her sons into doing what SHE wants and almost split my hubby and myself up twice with her constant interference! My hubby and his brother would hold back from saying anything to her out of respect but eventually saw the light,she now lets us get on with our lives. Oh Bliss!!!!!!

[the freak]

indian, I'm sorry I can't give you any great advice or add much here, but I just want to say that I feel for you, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I know that isn't much, but all I can really offer is my empathy and faith that you'll get through this. Keep your head up, it'll get better. xxx

[artee]

HI there Indian...have you thought of a more natural way of helping your problem?  a friend's son was suicidal and was helped by "Bach Fowers", which are available from health shops. In fact he changed dramatically in his persomal attitudes, and  therefore was not affected by what other people said or did. I and many others have been on them too with great results. just a suggestion that you ask the health shop to help you with deciding what mixture to make up for your particular needs.  the other thing is that depression is caused many times by  a deficiency of the vitamin B grooup, and a good B complex, taken in good sized doses may be helpful. It's important to get  the complex, not a single b vitamin.   just a thought. Artee.