Should I Renew this Friendship?

[mystress]

I will try and make this as brief as possible.

I have been friends with another woman (she is 41,I am 32) for about two years or so. I have always "been there" for her, even if she has not for me;to the extent of driving 50 miles to pick her up,when she got the wrong coach back from London.

Just before Christmas she found herself a new b/f,and I was delighted for her.Not for long though, she just dropped me, no phone calls, and no emails (her home is about 10 miles from me). Sadly the relationship has fallen apart, and now she is trying to ring me,and email me,and take up where she left off,and I cannot renew this friendship.I feel hurt,and that I was "taken for a ride" and do not want to do it again.

Yes,I know I am a mug,but it's just my nature.

What do you guys think?

[londondave]

2 years is not a long time, so give her another chance, meet up and tell her how you felt, you don't need to go everywhere with them, but it would be nice to be involved in some things. Did he not have a single friend for you? (assuming you are single, if not go out as a 4some with your bf too). it is annoying when friends do that

[maxd]

I had a similar experience about 10 years ago and can remember how much it hurt.  A friend I'd known since school started treating me the way your friend has been treating you.  Other friends and my family pointed out on many occasions that she was using me but I was too soft to take any action.  The final straw came when we'd arranged to meet for lunch and she didn't show up.  I stood outside the place we were supposed to be meeting for an hour thinking "she wouldn't just leave me standing here, she'll be here any second".  i finally went back to work expecting to get a message saying sonething had come up but there was nothing, not a word.  I decided I'd had enough and didn't make contact with her.  I got a Christmas card from her a few weeks later telling me she'd moved house, giving me her new address and phone number, and asking me to get in touch.  the card went in the bin and I haven't heard from her since.  I finally realised that I had good friends who give as well as take so I really didn't need to be treated like a doormat.  When you've been friendly with someone for so long, been there for them through all their hassles, and always supported them it's hard to accept that they expect that kind of treatment from you but will never reciprocate.  You have to decide whether it's worth continuing with this friendship or if it would be better to cut your losses.  I'm still a softy that people know they can take advantage of now and again but I know that I will never let anyone treat me the way she did.  It's a painful lesson but it does teach you to consider what you want from a friendship as well as what you bring to it.

 

Good luck          

[butter1]

dear mystress, I can understand your hurt...but I too think you should give your friend another chance.  Everyone forgets about their friends when they meet someone new....I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you and that's why she probably keeps ringing you.  She was just head over heals with some man and wanted to spend time with him....probably nothing against you hun. x

[jno]

You don't sound muggish mystress - friendships are often mildly unbalanced, but if you didn't mind that first time round, perhaps it needn't be a problem again. My guess is the same as other contributors' - she was wrapped up in a new relationship and stopped looking outwards for a while. If she's the one trying to set it up again, I'd forgive and be prepared to forget.

[tetherend]

Give her another chance mystress,  she's turned to you because now that she's hurt, she reaches out to a friend.  My very best friend, known her for years, watched each other's kids grow up, found a new partner and began keeping me at a distance.  As soon as the relationship hit a bad patch, she was ringing me again.  We met up and I told her how bad she had made me feel.  I'm still a bit hurt by it all, but I realise that friends are special and hope that she too realises that it's easy to feel used by them too.

[Morrisonker]

You need to talk to her about this, it's possible that she got caught up in the relationship and just didn't realise that she was neglecting her friends.  Talking about it might be awkward and messy but she needs to know how you feel, if you don't mention it she won't know she's annoyed you. 

I'm in a similar situation myself (my best friend for 8 years met a guy a year ago and she's now living with him, we went through a phase of not talking for about 6 months but it's slowly getting better) and although we've always been there for each other in that past, we've had to start over again, like we'd just met. 

If your freind doesn't think she's done anything wrong (it's possible!) you need to kick her in to touch, and remind her good you've been to her.  If she still doens't get it, move on.  That's what I'd do, but you should follow your gut. 

[Artful]

mystress, this type of situation is one that has been confronted in time memoriam: maxd has been there, I've been there and I know so many others who can tell their story. It's hard, it hurts, it makes one angry, it makes one sad and in the end, mystress, it all boils down to...

 

...you. Do you want the relationship to pick up again? Will it be as it was B4 where you didn't know you were a 'mug' (your word, not mine...), will she just dump you again when the next b/f comes along (oh - just thought about those 2 letters, it didn't click when I first read bf!! sorry!!!). As londondave says, 2 years isn't long but there again everything is relative. Why were you friends to start with - maybe that's why the relationship is worth recovering? All the laughs? The complicity? mystress, we can perhaps nudge you in a direction but as I say, in the end, there is only you who counts. Oh! and perhaps your (ex?) friend................

[oxeyedaisy]

this happend to me ..i had a good friend for 12 years and we used to go out for a meal or drinks..then she met this man at her night class..i didnt like him as he was controlling and was all over her like a teenager..even though they were in their early 50 it was embarassing to be with..also he smelled and i seemed to be the only person making a comment about his hygiene..well he moved her away from me and her family who were grown up..i ended up banging the phone on him as he said i could speak to her through him..he then told her i didnt want anything to do with her..well to cut a long story i phoned her daughter occasionally behind her back to find out if she was okay as i was concerned about her..and then he got her to cash her pension in and take him on a luxury holiday..then he apparently moved her back here and before they had been married a year he walked out..so she then found out i had checked up on her..and i see her again but its not the same..as i keep saying things like you must have been desperate to marry him..i dont really mean it bad but he was a bit thick and she very clever ..well clever in a working situation but silly emotionally.its not the same their is a gulf between us mainly on my part..allthough she keeps saying if she meets anyone else she wont have them if i dont approve..we will see... as she believes everything men tell her and she doesnt seem to have learned her lesson...

[flaming]

It never ceases to amaze me that there are the 'takerss' who get away with it for so long before we realise....  Women particularly are bad about keeping up with friends when they get a boyfriend, so it's good to keep that in mind, i.e. that one is always going to be second to a bloke who comes into a friend's life.  That's just how life is.  On top of that someone of 40-ish or older can have a madness come over them more so than a teenager when they fall for someone.   and you and other friends would have been out of the picture whilst that infatuation lasted.  

Whilst you weren't seeing her did you miss her?  If not, just resist involvement again.  If you did miss her and it's a question of hurt, don't 'cut off your nose to spite your face'.  But londondave is right, you should say how you felt and make it clear that it mustn't happen again.  Oh and don't keep doing the one-way bit!  We all do it, but eventually we realise...

[thikasabrik]

I might sound harsh with this answer but it is simply because I have been in the same position as you. For most of my life I believed that life was too short to bear grudges and I always acted as a peacemaker and forgave people for being unkind. Maybe it's because I am older (but perhaps not wiser) or turning into a grumpy old woman that nowadays I think life is too short to bother with dead wood. Real friends stick with each other through thick and thin and should give as well as take. I think your 'friend' sounds self centred and do you really need her in your life? I bet that if she has dropped you once for a man, she will do it again...and again...and again.

[mystress]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your help and advice.

Perhaps I should add a little more information?This person has done this to me before (drop me for a b/f that is) also she is a "user" and has never been there for ME,even when I was going through bad depression.She borrowed �200.00 from me( boy was I stupid!) and took over a year to repay it,and then had to be "pushed" to.

She is a "me me me" person,she never talks about anyone else! So I suppose I was stupid to expect her to be more like me.

But thanks anyway,I have decided to "cut her off" in the same way she did me, and hope that it will make her learn a lesson, and not treat others the same.(Some hope).

As thikasabrik says (thanks) "life is to short to bother with dead wood".

[mystress]

PS
I HAVE told her how I feel,and what it does to me (at least 5 times) and she says sorry,and that she will change;and she does (for about a week or so) and then she reverts to type!

I have more (and better) friends so I won't be wasting my time on her any more!

[Artful]

Good for you, gal! I'm so pleased for you as probably many of us here are.

[secretspirit]

Good for you mystress. I have a "friend" like that who has been the same since school. When she has a boyfriend she drops all her friends like a ton of bricks and if you do manage to arrange a meeting she will cancel it at the drop of a hat, then when she's single again she expects us all to rally round. She's not changed in 10 years and I doubt she will now. I wish I'd taken steps to end the friendship but instead I just see her if I see her and don't stress over it if she cancels (again!).

[twiglet4frog]

dump her, get a new friend and keep away from her, that way she wont dump u again and hurt u while u get on with your life, and she will realise she cant treat people like free rides that are there when she needs things done, and can stick u in a box back in the cupboard when she doesnt need u.

[flaming]

mystress - oh how you have tried!  In the light of that I'd say you definitely don't need the aggravation.  Wrap that one!

I also lent a large sum to friends, a couple, and it's all gone pearshaped.  I might have to go the County Court route.  I'm getting harder! 

I feel for you.

[Miss Zippy]

Definitely ditch the friendship; you�ve given her enough chances and who needs a friend like that?  On a general point, we�ve all had friends at some point who dump their friends as soon as a new guy comes along, but aren�t they always the women who can�t keep a guy interested for more than a few months?! Dumping your friends and re-arranging your life around a new partner (whether you�re male or female) just show that you�re desperate and don�t really have a life of your own, which is not a very attractive quality.