Men

[ellenblue]

Could any of you men shed any light on my situation here please, I've been seeing a fella for almost a year now, been on and off a lot of the time (on his behalf), he got himself into a bit of trouble the other week and got thrown out of home so he moved into a house of his own, he asked me to move in with him which I said no to as we had been on and off for so long but said that I would stay quite a lot and did do for a couple of weeks, he has now decided to tell me that he only wants to be friends with me cause he doesn't know what he wants but we have been like a proper couple and I can't understand why he would do this, when I ask him he just says that he doesn't know why!  I asked to him not to ring me for a while as I was a bit upset but he keeps ringing me all the time asking me to come round and watch a dvd and things and do I want to borrow his new dvd he bought, can anyone give me an explanation as to what this all means, he seems to want me as his girlfriend but then when it gets mentioned he runs a mile but then won't leave me alone?  Any answers appreciated, thanks

[woofgang]

It means that he has you on a piece of elastic and thinks he can do what he wants. Say goodbye and move on.

[butter1]

Hi ellenblue, we've all been there at some point and unfortunately, I will never understand men!!  I think women are much more sensitive, well I know I am.  He just sounds very confused as to what he wants.  I know it's hard but you have to say to him that "you either want me or you don't and if don't then just simply leave me alone". 

[goldheart]

whats that saying about wanting his cake...

i think he's got his life sorted, own place and a girlfriend on tap - ditch him!  Its hard but you'll end up paranoid all the time that he's mucking about. Ive been there, so have friends, when someone in the relationship breaks up saying that "they dont know what they want" they know EXACTLY what they want, its an excuse... whether thats seeing other people or not - but when they feel lonely, you will get a phonecall... its up to you what you do, but do your own thing as well!!

[butter1]

I've just read goldheart's post and totally agree with her.  It's true how if they go out to the pub, have a few drinks...come home feel lonely and think, "I know, I'll give so and so a call....she'll come over and keep me company".  Be strong!

[jno]

Sounds like he's telling the truth - he doesn't know what he wants. But it may be time to consider what you want - and it sounds as though you don't want this, or you wouldn't have written this post. You want commitment, he doesn't; and he's highly unlikely to do so in the future. So yes, move on.

[hannah333]

Jno, what makes you think he wont want commitment in the future? I think most men find they want commitment eventually. My advice to you ellenblue would be that there is no point hanging around being messed around by him like this. If you make a decisive leave now, then in the future, when he is sure of what he wants, you may be good together. The chances are though that you would have met someone else before that though, so dont worry, things will work out. xx

[jno]

sorry, hannah333, you're right; I should have been more precise. I meant that having once had an on-off, when-I-feel-like-it relationship with ellenblue, he's unlikely ever to commit himself to her. The mental leap from exploiting someone to treating her as an equal and a lifelong partner is too great, I believe. She could retire to a nunnery and wait for him to grow up, but I think, as I said, she'd be better moving on.

[becks]

Exactly what everyone says on here - you're letting him do what he wants with no repercussions, the fact that it's been on/off for almost a year - at his request means he thinks he can pick you up and put you down whenever he wants - and you're justifying this behaviour by letting him. You're obviously not happy to be in a relationship like that so now you have to take control - all or nothing, and yes it will be hard, but it's up to you to start making the decisions - not him. Be strong, tell him not to phone you, don't answer his calls, and refuse any invitations, move on and find someone that wants you and wants to see you all the time instead of when they feel like it. Good luck, i really hope this works out for you, he sounds very confused but it's time for you to start concentrating on what you want.

[ellenblue]

Thank you all for your answer, I know in my heart that what you's say is right and I should just walk away, I'm just finding it so hard cause he can be sooooo nice its unbeleivable and when you love someone I just want to keep going back.

[Kinsao]

It also depends on how much you are interested in commitment. It could be that you are also happy to have an on-off relationship, or at least, to leave it as on-off for a while until you see how it pans out. If I was you, I'd try to have the same attitude to it as he does - he's a nice person that you can spend time with, sometimes... but not a 'serious' relationship. Perhaps if you step back, just chill for a while about the whole thing, but with no need to break it off just yet...

However, if you really, really want a full-on serious committed relationship, he's doesn't seem ready for this, so you will have to make it clear what you want and if he isn't seeing the same as you, well, it's hard but he has to go...

[helencyoung]

sorry to be the one to say it but it sounds as though he's just not that into you. it's no reflection on you but maybe if you accept that you can find someone who really is into you and is able to call you his girlfriend with pride. h x