my partner and teenager not getting on

[Barney's pal]

My daughter is 14 and is a typical teenager, quite self centred and thinks she knows it all, but on the whole she's a good kid who works very hard at school. She hasn't been getting on with my partner. He's 56 and is quite stressed running a business. Last week it came to a head & my daughter is threatening t stay at her dad's who live's in the next town. My partner is won't let my daughter have boys in her bedroom, although I know they are only talking. When she talks to boy's if we are out, he goes completely over the top and has even told me he thinks she behaves like a dog. Both her and my ex think I should leave my partner so my daughter can come back and live with me. This would mean losing my home (as it belongs to my partner) and my job as I work in my partner's business and everything I have and starting over which terrifies me. My partner confided to a friend that he's terrifyed my daughter will end up pregnant as he feels responsible for her. I know his heart is in the right place, and he's not a bad person.
My ex is all the time telling my daughter I don't care about her, and I'm putting my partner first. He says my partner is bullying my daughter, but my ex is impossibe to talk to as he won't listen to my side, but he doesn't know how difficult and selfish she can be. The whole thing is tearing me apart, and I feel on the edge, I am very anxious all the time and can't eat or sleep. Any help I woud be grateful for.

[Bettyboo22]

Try speaking to your daughter I don't get on with my mums partner and I am 14. I just put up with him because he is the father of my brother.

[bednobs]

i think you are confusing two issues here. it concerns me greatly that you dont want to leave your partner because of
1)the house
2)money
3) job
4)starting over
Where is 5) because you love him and want to stay wth him????
if the issue is you dont want to be with your partner anymore treat this as a seperate issue, not because your daughter dosent like him

[Barney's pal]

I do love my partner alot, but I feel my daughter and her father are insisting I choose between the two

[Beanmistriss]

Just my thoughts - your daughter wants to get her own way and its easy for her to do this by threatening you. I'll do what I want or i'm going to live with Dad. Her father is being irresponsible in not supporting you as she will not learn to deal with issues and problems as an adult if she can run away from them by going to his house. You need to make sure you talk to your partner and set rules that you are both happy with for your house. if you are not happy with what your partner is saying to her it's your job to sort it out. if your partner is being unreasonable he needs to be told so.

i know from experience with my partners children that when your child threatens to go and live with the other parent it can be very difficult not to give in - if you do give in you may end up with a kid who takes no responsibility and manipulates to get what they want. This is especially true when parents cant or wont work together in the best interests of the child. Maybe she will live with her father for a while and find its not so great. Good luck with it x

[Banali]

I may be completely wrong here, but is your ex doing a fair bit of stirring here?

"both her and my ex think I should leave my partner"
"My ex is all the time telling my daughter I don't care about her"

You have a fairly normal, bright teenager on your hands who even without the stirring from your ex is going through the difficult years and instead of supporting (her as well as you) your ex is using this to cause trouble.

Your current partner sounds as though he is coming on way too strong considering his position in the family. (Not her father, not your husband). How dare he talk like that about your daughter (she behaves like a dog).

Tell both men to back off, they are making an already volatile situation worse.

Both of them are 'peeing on lamposts', .trying to be the alpha male to the detriment of the long term happiness of you and your daughter.

Right now you are the person who knows your daughter best. Follow your own instincts in dealing with this.

[pinktwink]

as said you need to stay with your partner as you lovehim. I would't agree with 14 year old having boys in her bedroom. /Talk to your daughter. Be clear about house rules etc. Alternatively leave her with your ex for a couple of weeks and see how he manages

[Beanmistriss]

I'm with pinktwink on the boys in the bedroom thing btw