New best friend

[Scarlett]

I would so appreciate your views! I have a new best friend who happens to be male. We have been inseperable for the past 2 months. I don't fancy him and he doesn't fancy me. So why does it really upset me when he texts me about various girls he fancies / has chatted up / is obsessed by? I really can't work it out!

[sara3]

you're jealous.. on some level!

why else wouldn't you be happy for him?

[jno]

only you can truly answer this one. But sara's suggestion sounds right to me. It may not be sexual jealousy, it may just be you resent constant reminders that he is with other people (do you have an equally outgoing social/sexual life?*) We all like to think our friends have their most enjoyable times with us, not with other people; if they don't this seems to reflect poorly on us.

*You don't have to answer that! I was just offering it as a suggestion to think about.

[Postdog]

Because you are so happy with the way things are, even tho you don't fancy him, you subconsciously want what he provides to you in a more loving relationship (with someone else). His fancying others is a reminder that what you have is fragile, because it could spell the end of a beautiful friendship through no fault of yours.

I speak from experience - my best all round friend for ages was female - I loved her to bits but as a woman she did nothing for me.

[BeatySwalls]

maybe you dont like the thought of anyone else bieng happy?

[happyone2]

i have several male friends and have no problem with them talking as above.........so i wonder how "just friends " you yourself feel you are......................

To be "just friends" requires very very clear lines of demarcation, with no "upset" involved because you wouldnt be upset if one of our girlfriends talked in this way ???

I would suggest you are not being honest with yourself and therefore with him..................... he would appear to be being with you, as friends he feels comfortable to talk about others.......................... so, its you............................

look within

good luck

[Scarlett]

Interesting answers- thanks everyone. I will think on it. I find it hard to imagine that actually I may like him more than I am claiming, because physically I truly am not attracted to him. I wish I was, but I'm not- and he not to me.

[pastafreak]

I think that for many-the ideal partner is not only our lover,but also our best friend. Maybe this best friend of yours ticks somany boxes that you cant help but wishthat physical attraction was also part of your chemistry with him. Because of that,a bit of longing or jealousy may be colouring your feelings.

[Postdog]

Scarlett, I wished I was attracted to the woman concerned - in every other respect we were soul mates. That would have been the icing on the cake.

[baremission]

I have exactly the same issue Scarlett.

My best friend (male) is the most important person (aside from family) in my life and I enjoy his company so much, he makes me laugh, he's intelligent, and really cares for me. However, I don't find him physically attractive at all, although sometimes I feel as if I wish I could as I love him so much. However, it's best in my case not to do this as he has a girlfriend of 3 years.

It's a very odd situation. I can't really offer any help to you, apart from to say that I myself am in a very similar situation and I agree with jno that perhaps if I had a boyfriend already, I wouldn't keep thinking like this!

[Scarlett]

baremission- that is very interesting. How do you feel about his girlfriend? ie- are you friends with her too, or do you prefer to see him on his own? Does she find you a threat? Do you find her a threat?

[cymruambyth1]

Scarlett, I am also in the same situation.

Me and my best friend have been close for many years, we had a bit of a think about 5 years ago, and one min he wanted a relationship with me and I didnt, when I thought I wanted a relationship, he didnt. But it never worked more than just friends, and to be honest I just dont fancy him. For the past 4-5 years we have mostly been fine, but when either one of us gets a new partner, the friendship does go a bit weird.

I have been with my current partner for 2 years now, and my best mate, has sometimes been a bit inappropriate, and I told him he had to deal with it. Now recently he has got a new girlfriend and I was jealous and it is weird, but I dont want to be with my best mate, not at all I am very happy with my partner and could imagine anything worse than being with my best mate.

Now he has a new partner, I barely ever hear from him, and Im a bit hurt that he has time for her and not me. I think a lot of it is to do with you not being the main person in his life, and he is putting other people first. I suppose you could apply it to if say my mum got a new partner, I would get jealous of my mum giving someone else attention.

That is my experience anyway!!

[cymruambyth1]

lol I have just written this message out and for some reason it didnt submit!

Right, I am in the same situation. I have a male friend and we have been best mates for about 10 years. Over the years stuff has happened between us but nothing ever major. He thought he wanted me he didnt, I thought I wanted him I didnt. We just couldnt understand how we got on so well, would talk every day etc..miss each other when he went to uni, yet we just didnt work as a couple.

But the past few years have been fine, although my parnter of two years is a bit weary of him.

Everytime either one of us gets a partner our friendship does go a bit weird, and we always end up arguing. Recently he has got a new partner, and now he barely speaks to me because he is busy with her, so I instantly felt a pang of jealously. I dont fancy him in anyway and couldnt imagine anything worse than being in a relationship with him.

I think what it is is your use to that person putting you first all the time, wanting to spend time with you, so it hurts when he spends time with someone else.

The only other way I can explain is say, my mum got a new partner, I would probably get jealous that she is giving her attention to someone else. Or if one of your female friends gets a new partner and is spending all their time together, it kinda hits a nerve.

That is my experience anyway!

[baremission]

Well, when we became friends I didn't meet her for over a year so in a way its always just been us spending time without her. Ive probably only met her about 4 times. She seems really lovely but in a way I do feel a little bit, resentful, in a way, but I know thats wrong because she is his girlfriend after all so I'd never do anything to jeopardise that. I only feel resentful because I enjoy his company so much and she gets to be with him all the time!

I don't know whether she feels that I am a threat, If I was her, I think I would a little bit just by human nature but I guess it depends on how trusting a character you are.