help!!!! considering affair

[justawife]

i have been married for 11 years and have 2 small children.  i am 29 years old.    i  am going crazy thinking about another man.   im totally obsessed with him.  this would totally crush my husband.   everytime im near this other person i feel like im alive for the first time in my life.   he makes me feel special and wanted.  my husband cant make me feel like this.  im so confused.  this other person wants to be with me too  but also doesnt want to hurt my husband.    hes my husbands older brother.   i have spent hours with this man and i know that i love him.  i love my husband too.  what can i do?     i havent had a physical affair yet, just hugging and occasional hand holding,  but i know its comming.   please help me.

[oxeyedaisy]

if you are really truthfully in love with your brotherinlaw and you can see a future go for it..but it will tear the family apart and you may have to relocate elsewhere as it would be volatile to say the least..life is to short and everyone deserves to be happy..and to make the most of what you can ...if you stay with your husband then somehow you are going to have to see less of the brotherin law and thats also going to be difficult as other family members will wonder why you are keeping a distance..only you can answer your question and deal with the situation..you dont think this brother is just trying to score points over his brother do you?? as in childhood rivalry..and in this case i can have your wife because i can as in a challenge...if its the real genuine thing and you dont think their is any rivalry or challenge and this man makes you happy then let nothing stand in your way..but question motives and work out a plan of action as its a dreadfull situation to be in ..best of luck..

[netibiza]

I suspect that suddenly life is exciting and you feel young again.  I have no doubt that you love them both - but if your hubby ever found out - I think you'd very quickly know that you loved hubby.  To my mind hugging and hand-holding is as bad as an affair because the intention is there and you are still deceiving hubby.  I'm not preaching, I'd be the last one to do that, be aware that being married doesn't stop you becoming attracted to other men, esp in your case as the brother-in-law will have the same traits as your hubby and if you like it in one, you find it attractive in the other. I believe you should try to ignore the other man and double your efforts to return to your man in you feelings. You'll feel disappointed at first, the excitement will go but your (hopefully) deep down committment to hubby will be worth it.

[iwbus]

Well they always say the grass is greener but you have to be very careful here, not only because of the family connection but also because there are small children involved who MUST come first no matter how you play it. You must also be wary that if you go ahead with this plan your husband may lose trust in his whole family which would break them up and cause all sorts of problems. At the end of the day whatever happens will happen and it just depends which side you sit on - doing the "right" thing and staying where you are or changing your life (possibly making it better). One life...live it

[spammylou]

DON'T EVEN GO THERE!!!  He is your husband's brother - the only person that will suffer if anything happens is YOU and your children.  If people find out everyone will blame you and not him, your husband and brother will fall out with each other and your life will be a misery. I am not going into why I am saying this but TRUST me I know.   You need to find out what is wrong in your own relationship, it sounds like boredom, and the fact you have little kiddies.  Work it out, but PLEASE do not do this, he won't really want to either if he knew how much damage this will cause to EVERYONE!

[Hippy]

In a dreamy oblivious utopia where each individual can flit from flower to flower enjoying the nectar and then passing on like some ephemeral butterfly, I guess what you are contemplating could be fine. Everyone involved would just smile sweetly, go with the flow and have another toke on the communal joint. Shades of the summer of love. We loved it because on the whole we chose to switch off the "responsibility" part of our brains and let everything else all hang out.

Unfortunately society is not like this, as well you must know. The choices and decisions we make determine our future actions, and where others and especially newly created others are concerned then we need to take responsibility for those choices, even if now, in the light of fresh and seemingly irresistible influences, those original choices seem at the least jaded, or at the most downright wrong.

I am sure everyone, me included, has experienced that wonderful rush of passion and abandon you describe, indeed some I know are hooked on it and are doomed to constantly repeat the process in a vain attempt to recreate something seemingly lost, and thus never form stable relationships. Equally, we all know that this overwhelming emotional and physical response to another is fleeting, however sweet and enticing. Like the siren call of the beauties on the  Lorelei Rocks, it has caused many a sober sided sailor to founder catastrophically.

[Aschenbach]

I like Hippy's answer. That's beautifully written and true.

Toss for it ?

[Morrisonker]

I agree with iwbus, you must consider your children here.  Consider their future relationships with your husbands family, would they still be able to see their grandparents, aunts and uncles?  Does your brother in law have any family?  How long have you been feeling like this? 

From your screen name I'm imaginging that maybe you feel like you've lost your identity a bit?  Being a wife and mother seems to be all you are.  Being with your brother in law won't change your responsilibities to your children.  It may be stressful raising 2 young kids but you can be sure that the same stresses will come up when you're with the brother.  It won't change how you feel about yourself, infact the pressure of leaving your husband and starting afresh with someone new, not to mention the problems it could cause in the family could result in that relationship being no better or fufilling than the one you have with your husband.

[Scarlett]

Don't bother. You are just experiencing that crush sensation that is amazing, addictive and short-lived. You have a husband and 2 lovely children. What you are experiencing is the grass is greener syndrome, and maybe boredom with your present situation.

Go to Relate. Find out why you are not fulfilled by your relationship. Then WORK at it. For your children's sake, do not pursue this.

[Andy008]

Just do it. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

[calleach]

If you cope well with conflict and dysharmony go for it. If you enjoy the prospect of coping with your confused children , go for it.If 10 years is the amount of time you can sustain a relationship its time you changed sexual parners anyway.What are your plans when the passionate flush leaves the relationship with the brother in law .Are there any other brothers to choose from?Sexual gratification is all you need to think about , go for it.

[jno]

don't do it, justawife. Even if you end up happy you'll have wrecked a family - and how happy could you be knowing you'd caused that? Physical affairs don't just come; you make them come by your actions, and you can choose to take other actions instead. Scarlett's advice is good: sit down, with a counsellor perhaps (perhaps even with your husband), and work out just why your life seems unfulfilled at the moment. My guess is that it's not uncommon in your position - married quite young, maybe stuck at home a lot. But what you're thinking of doing would bring far more distress than happiness. (And despite what other contributors have said about life being short, it isn't: you can expect to live another 50 years, which is a long time to be regretting your mistakes.)

[newtron]

Don't do it!!  You need to try figure out what is wrong with your current relationship and try to fix that first!!  If you find that it cannot be fixed, then you can get a divorce and then maybe hook up with this other guy.  But you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to try as hard as possible to make your current family work.  You need to look at this logically and forget about all that soap opera nonsense!  You cheating on your husband will just end up in emotional chaos.  Be strong!! 

[SASHAGREEN]

wow! i feel like you opened a book about my life! i feel the same way about my brother in law! i don't act on it though. it really would tear up the familly. so i say it's not a good idea to go through with it!  if it helps try picturing him doing something that's a total turn off. avoid him, and try to rekindel things with your husband! or atleast wait till the kids have grown up!

[justawife]

thank you all for your advice.  i have decided to stop things with my brotherinlaw.  i love him deeply but its better for everyone not to act on this feeling.   i have had feelings for him for about 5 years now.  it hurts but i know what i have to do.  my kids deserve a family.  i may regret it later but i broke off my ties with him.  i cried all night last night.  i know someday i will see why this is the right thing.  im feeling angry towards my husband tho.  i didnt expect that.  im so depressed about this.  i have been with my husband since i was 15years old.  he was my first and only boyfriend.  i guess part of me feels like i missed out on something.  i dont know.  my husband is 14 years older than me so he had tons of life expirences before he met me.  i guess thats why i feel like i missed something when i was younger.  any advice will be greatly appreciated. thank you all so much

[Keela]

justawife...It sounds like you made a hard choice. *Hugs*

I know how you feel. I love that first relationship "rush" and I've felt that missing from my marriage too. I've been married for 10 years and we have a daughter that is 3. You get so busy with life and work and kids that you forget and start to feel taken for granted. Men just aren't good communicators as a rule, and if you never say how you feel, they will think "no news is good news." I'm not much for those "happy" solutions like "schedule a romantic night out" or "plan" this or that to spice up your marriage because life tends to squash plans. 

What I did do was this. I talked to my husband. I told him of my concerns about our marriage, my feelings for him and where I thought I wanted our relationship to go. I told him I had fallen in love with someone else. But just because I loved this other man, didn't mean that I loved him any less and I didn't want to end our marriage because of it. Neither did he.

If you can trust your husband enough to know how to talk to him and if he will be receptive to your needs, then I say TALK TO HIM. I'd leave out the bits about being in love with his brother, but he might surprise you. And even if he doesn't, then you will know how he feels about your marriage, one way or the other. Then you can make a better informed decision about what you want.

And speaking as a mother, I understand keeping the family together, but we all know that today families survive and endure. And children, tend not to be stupid. They know when Mom and Dad aren't happy. Do not stay in an un-healthy or un-satisfying relationship "for the sake of the children." That will make it worse in the end for everyone. 

Just be honest about how you feel and what you want. Try to balance out your needs with the needs of your family, but don't sacrifice everything for others. You will lose in the long run

[deva888]

i agree with spammylou.  Dont even try and do this.  And what kind of man is he if he is cheating his own brother!!  We all have crushes, and butterflies but you are not a 16 year old girl.  You have two lovely kids and a good husband.  You said you love him too.  Dont EVER go for physical relationship, as this will someday open up and tear the family.  trust me, i am a psychiatrist and you will suffer if you go ahead with this brother-in-law of yours.

[jno]

a bit late there deva888, as justawife has already made the break - see her post just above. But perhaps from your professional experience you could offer some good advice on what to do next? Though I was one of the users who suggested this course of action, I know how hard it must be for justawife