Horrible 8 Year Old Daughter

[beanebabe]

I am at my wits end with my 8 year old daughter. She makes everyone's life a misery. Nothing is ever right, she'll argue black is white, the word no means nothing to her and she is viscious (she's put her brother in hospital twice - he is very sweet natured in comparison). There is nothing I can do to discipline her, she doesn't really play with toys so you can't take things away from her (she reads and draws but you can't take away all those things as it does offer us some respite), she won't go on the naughty step, if you try to physically force her you risk serious injury. She doesn't have any real friends, part of me feels sorry for her, the other half isn't surprised. She has just all but ruined a recent holiday to Florida because of her tantrums if things weren't going exactly as she wanted them.

She isn't spoilt in as far as she doesn't have a TV in her room, no laptop, no mobile etc and I won't let her wear all the latest tarty fashions - despite her protests. I have craftily avoided giving her a party for her last 2 birthdays because she has ruined so many with her behaviour. She is violently possessive of her belongings and almost drove me to a breakdown with her biting as a toddler.

She is very bright and doing well at school. She looks like butter wouldn't melt, blonde hair and freckles, and charms the socks off adults with her chatty, confident nature.

Any advice in dealing with her behaviour would be gratefully received. I am on the verge of calling social services.

[NoMercy]

Have you tried filming her when she has had a massive tantrum? You could play the video back to her, and show her what everyone else can see. Worked for a friend of mine who was in a similar position to you.

[lil75]

How do you deal with this behaviour Beanebabe?

[China Doll]

Has she been tested for autism and ADHD? The reasons for her behaviour could be medical.

[beanebabe]

Love the filming idea - would be great to play at her 18th! As for Autism and ADHD - thought she was/had when she was younger but this was discounted. As for dealing with her behaviour, I have all but stopped trying because she totally ignores everything I say, has a mouth like a sewer (all picked up in the playground), or is just violent.

[lil75]

Have you tried ignoring her until her behaviour improves? Obviously you cant if she is getting aggresive towards her brother....I know this sounds horrible, but if my daughter hospitilised my son, I would give her a tanning she would never forget...sounds harsh, but thats what my dad would have done to me and it didnt do me any harm

[Velvetee]

Perhaps it's time you sought professional help, as surely if left, her behaviour will just worsen. I would speak to your GP.

[karenmac60]

I know it sounds a bit obvious but have you tried actually talking to her? You mention arguing, disciplining, ignoring etc, but do you set time aside to be with her and give her some attention. If her brother is younger then maybe she feels left out and the the only way to get attention is to act up all the time. Try setting time aside every day where it's just you and her and you do something she enjoys. I know it may sound like pandering to her but remember she's only 8

[pinktwink]

sorry but i have read this thinking the poor child she can do no right in her mothers eyes.
what strikes me is thta she is more in charge than you. You need to set up clear limits with consequences that are age appropriate. Ignore as much as possible misbehaviour and if necessary remove yourself. Sit with her tlak to her try to understand her behaviour, set up a reward system where she can earn rewards for good behaviour and tell her you love her. Give her responsibility so she feels valued. Seek professionla help

[andy-hughes]

Your daughter has not suddenly woken up one day at the age of eight and decided to be a demon. This behaviour has been developing, and you appear not to have taken steps to remedy it at appropriate times.

First of all, you have to take control away from her, and establish your rules as her parent.

You need to sit her down and have a conversationa long the following lines -

I love you very deeply, and always will, no matter what you do, that will never change because you are my daughter.

The way you behave sometimes upsets and hurts me, and I really want you to try and change, and be nice, so from now on, we are going to behave the same way towards each other.

Every day that you are nice and polite and kind, I will be the same, and after Monday to Friday, we will have a treat on saturday as a reward.

Every day that you are nasty and cruel, I will be the same, and I will stop feeding, you, I will take the bedclothes off your bed, I will stop washing your clothes, I will refuse to speak to you, and if you use violence towards me, I will return it, bearing in mind that i am a lot bigger than you.

Now - what I really want is the nice way of us living together, and that is in your hands, so you can control how nice we are to each other.

If you take the nasty path, be aware that i can always be nastier to you than you are to me, and I will be, until you start to be nice again, at which time I also instantly srtop being nasty, and become nice as well.

This is because i love you, and i want us to be loving with each other.

That is what i want, and if I have to live the nasty way, it will hurt me and make me sad, but it will make you more sad, until you decide to be nice again.

ctd.

[andy-hughes]

...
So, we start from right now, let's have a hug and a kiss, and say we love each other, and stop making each other unhappy? That would be really nice for both uf us.

Implement this system, and stick to it rigidly, even though it can be really hard. As short hand, use the following phrase - "You nice - me nice, you nasty - me nastier."

It works, trust me.

[zzxxee]

sounds like my neighbours 11 year old ....
does she behave like this at school if she does i would indeed call social services to help get to the root of the problem
if not it sounds like something at home is triggering off her behaviour
you say she has no friends but enjoys art can you get her into an after school club that would encourage this???
when she does a good drawing or is sitting quietly really focus on her good behaviour praise her up
try writing her a letter explaining her bad behaviour upsets you but you love her and want to make things work
leave it on her bed my friend did this with her son and he improved his behaviour somewhat good luck

[IWillRule]

I know this doesn't really help but...

She sounds like a preppy emo. :)

Send her off to boarding school. That's what my Mum did with me.

[Velvetee]

Did your Daughter change when your son came along? Like others have said, she may feel left out and less favoured. Her behaviour obviously effects you and maybe your demeanour towards her is very cold and negative, which makes her feel unloved, so her bad behaviour is a way of receiving attention.

Do you spend any time alone with your daughter? Perhaps you need to spend quality time with her, maybe have pamper days together where just the two of you go off, have a manicure, go for lunch or shopping and then spend time talking to her, finding out what she likes, dislikes etc.

[snorpah]

hi
I really do feel for you and hope you find a way.
My sister has 2 boys - ages 14 and 13 now - who have been brought up exactly the same.
the eldest has only , in the last 2 years, turned into a human being.
He was a foul mouthed, evil ,bullying, lying, sly, violent thing (he was in trouble with the police etc etc )and noone could work out why he was like this. My sis said it was only the fact that no. 2 son was so lovely that she didn't beat herself up for it. so what happened???
no. 1 son, joined the air cadets and now is a credit and we are all extremely proud of him.
perhaps those sorts of kids just need to find their niche and focus in life to settle - and their niche may not be in your house or family. (i know that sounds harsh but it maybe true)

my sis has now got a really good relationship with him.

just something to think about

good luck