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Sex, porn and our relationship
31 Answers
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months and been living together for 6 weeks. We have always been very open about everything including sex, porn and masterbation etc which I think is great.
The problem is this. We were having a talk a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned that the last 6 - 7 times we were having sex he basically just closed his eyes and off he went (if you get what i mean!) and that I felt like a bit of meat. I explained I understand that he likes to fantasise about other women etc but maybe not every time or atleast acknowledge me.
He was really apologetic and felt bad that I felt that way. He then explained that since he was young he has masterbated every day (sometimes excessively), Almost everytime has been to porn. He has basically masterbated to every kind of deviancy/kind of porn out there and because of that ordinary sex just doesn't do it for him. He needs to fantasise about whatever else.
Is it just me or is that a bit of an insult? Does he mean I don't do it for him?
I can understand to a degree that it may seem boring from time to time if you've seen everything else thats on offer out there.
I asked him if he feels sexually attracted to me still and he says yes. I'm not sure if I believe him now.
Now everytime we have sex I can't help but think he wishes I was someone else. Doing something else.
I wish I didn't feel like that but its hard to understand fully what is going on in his head. Maybe the difference between male and female?
I am still crazy about him in everyway. Physicially, emotionally etc. He's the man I want to marry!
But can someone out there maybe explain or give an opinion? Maybe even a direction on what I should think about it? Because I don't have a clue!
Thanks to anyone that can help!
Kikadoo.
The problem is this. We were having a talk a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned that the last 6 - 7 times we were having sex he basically just closed his eyes and off he went (if you get what i mean!) and that I felt like a bit of meat. I explained I understand that he likes to fantasise about other women etc but maybe not every time or atleast acknowledge me.
He was really apologetic and felt bad that I felt that way. He then explained that since he was young he has masterbated every day (sometimes excessively), Almost everytime has been to porn. He has basically masterbated to every kind of deviancy/kind of porn out there and because of that ordinary sex just doesn't do it for him. He needs to fantasise about whatever else.
Is it just me or is that a bit of an insult? Does he mean I don't do it for him?
I can understand to a degree that it may seem boring from time to time if you've seen everything else thats on offer out there.
I asked him if he feels sexually attracted to me still and he says yes. I'm not sure if I believe him now.
Now everytime we have sex I can't help but think he wishes I was someone else. Doing something else.
I wish I didn't feel like that but its hard to understand fully what is going on in his head. Maybe the difference between male and female?
I am still crazy about him in everyway. Physicially, emotionally etc. He's the man I want to marry!
But can someone out there maybe explain or give an opinion? Maybe even a direction on what I should think about it? Because I don't have a clue!
Thanks to anyone that can help!
Kikadoo.
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While it may be that a great many men and women do follow the stereotypical norms it is incorrect and down right sexist to label people as such on the basis of their sex.
AC makes the common mistake of presuming that men are universally and evolutionarily predisposed to his model of masculinity while women follow another. I quite happily acknowledge the median behaviours are quite different but so often the individuals who are in the overlap are forced to accept a role they are not comfortable with.
Research has shown that the strategy employed by dominant males is not the only successful one. Throughout the ancestry of some of us there have been males who quietly got the girl while the heavies were too busy fighting each other to notice. It is still observed in many primate populations today.
The simplist Darwinism of the dominant male is the kind of rubbish perpetrated by books like "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" which just serve to reinforce the myths despite havingbeen shown time and time again to be factually incorrect. Yet still the population lap it up because it makes them feel comfortable in their sexual identity.
Women fought for equal opportunity and rebelled against a society that claimed that women were predisposed to homelife and not suited to the way of life available to men. And sure enough, when given the opportunity those centruies of biggotry were demonstrated to be wrong. All I ask is for men to be given the opportunity to be themselves in the same way afforded women in the later half of the 20th century.
I am tired of hearing those who insist that separate classes should be set up in schools for girls and boys because of their different "needs". To do so would be to condemn those boys who do not fit the standard model to suffer the same plight that the separate classes is suppoed to be protecting girls from.
AC makes the common mistake of presuming that men are universally and evolutionarily predisposed to his model of masculinity while women follow another. I quite happily acknowledge the median behaviours are quite different but so often the individuals who are in the overlap are forced to accept a role they are not comfortable with.
Research has shown that the strategy employed by dominant males is not the only successful one. Throughout the ancestry of some of us there have been males who quietly got the girl while the heavies were too busy fighting each other to notice. It is still observed in many primate populations today.
The simplist Darwinism of the dominant male is the kind of rubbish perpetrated by books like "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" which just serve to reinforce the myths despite havingbeen shown time and time again to be factually incorrect. Yet still the population lap it up because it makes them feel comfortable in their sexual identity.
Women fought for equal opportunity and rebelled against a society that claimed that women were predisposed to homelife and not suited to the way of life available to men. And sure enough, when given the opportunity those centruies of biggotry were demonstrated to be wrong. All I ask is for men to be given the opportunity to be themselves in the same way afforded women in the later half of the 20th century.
I am tired of hearing those who insist that separate classes should be set up in schools for girls and boys because of their different "needs". To do so would be to condemn those boys who do not fit the standard model to suffer the same plight that the separate classes is suppoed to be protecting girls from.
And I certainly do not consider myself the benchmark for men. I have been around far to long and met too many people to presume that.
But I do consider myself as evidence that the standard model so vehermently presented by so many men and women is certainly not universal.
All I ask is that people start to acknowledge that all men are not ******** and stop persecuting those who don't fit the stereotype.
It is tough in adolesence to so frequently be the butt of others attempt to reassure themselves, to be accused of being gay, to be humiliated for shedding a tear at emotional times.
Unfortunately, unlike women who found support among their peers both male and female when they demanded to be treated as people, men who dare to have emotions so often battle on alone and are frequently humilated.
I am only thankful for the support of a few people during my life (mostly women) who did appreciate me as an individual rather than consider me to be a strange man.
But I do consider myself as evidence that the standard model so vehermently presented by so many men and women is certainly not universal.
All I ask is that people start to acknowledge that all men are not ******** and stop persecuting those who don't fit the stereotype.
It is tough in adolesence to so frequently be the butt of others attempt to reassure themselves, to be accused of being gay, to be humiliated for shedding a tear at emotional times.
Unfortunately, unlike women who found support among their peers both male and female when they demanded to be treated as people, men who dare to have emotions so often battle on alone and are frequently humilated.
I am only thankful for the support of a few people during my life (mostly women) who did appreciate me as an individual rather than consider me to be a strange man.
>>>down right sexist to label people as such on the basis
>>> of their sex.
erm ...?????
so you think that gender differences are sexist !!!!!
of course we label everyone on that basis ...
it's what both sexes do
>>AC makes the common mistake of presuming that men
>> are universally and evolutionarily predisposed to his
>> model of masculinity
beso - I'm quoting standard modern texts on normative behaviour - there are always exceptions
I'm also looking back on my own 53 years - "I didn't think" actually means I reverted to type - and the type is what's normal for you .... not everyone ... you personally - if enough people think and react in this way (and remember psychologists of all flavours have been running tests for years now ) that behaviour becomes labelled normative.
>>>Women fought for equal opportunity and rebelled
>>>against a society
and the controvesy now is how many WANT to revert to their normative girly behaviour
I'm not including any of the alternative sexes here ... just heterosexual male female ( should also mention that I certainly don't think either is superior - they are just very different)
we are made physically different - our brains have different layouts - and in MRI tests it's very obvious that problem solving of all types is achieved differently)
>>> of their sex.
erm ...?????
so you think that gender differences are sexist !!!!!
of course we label everyone on that basis ...
it's what both sexes do
>>AC makes the common mistake of presuming that men
>> are universally and evolutionarily predisposed to his
>> model of masculinity
beso - I'm quoting standard modern texts on normative behaviour - there are always exceptions
I'm also looking back on my own 53 years - "I didn't think" actually means I reverted to type - and the type is what's normal for you .... not everyone ... you personally - if enough people think and react in this way (and remember psychologists of all flavours have been running tests for years now ) that behaviour becomes labelled normative.
>>>Women fought for equal opportunity and rebelled
>>>against a society
and the controvesy now is how many WANT to revert to their normative girly behaviour
I'm not including any of the alternative sexes here ... just heterosexual male female ( should also mention that I certainly don't think either is superior - they are just very different)
we are made physically different - our brains have different layouts - and in MRI tests it's very obvious that problem solving of all types is achieved differently)
so your argument
is that because your behaviour isn't normative and because you don't agree
means the rest of humanity is wrong
>>> the individuals who are in the overlap are forced to
>>> accept a role they are not comfortable with
because they don't follow normative (nor medial) behaviour.
many of the overlap genders also conform to general normative behaviour - it's just the target that's different.
I have many friends who are gay - and yes ... a surprising number of the guys act and/or run antique businesses.
but in other ways their behaviour is the same.
and what's striking is that the women tend to have relatively restrained "nesting" relationships
the blokes are just scr@wing in lumps ... and because their partner has exactly the same drives ... it all seems more enthusiastic (and some are in stable long term relationships)
beso - I don't think for a minute you are a sex crazed man ... I think you have issues with your childhood development - what that development should have been is the real issue
mixed schools are a good thing ... but mixed classes for the over 13 are not
>>>All I ask is that people start to acknowledge that all
>>> men are not ******** and stop persecuting those who
>>> don't fit the stereotype
>>It is tough in adolescence to so frequently be the butt of
>>others attempt to reassure themselves, to be accused
>>of being gay, to be humiliated for shedding a tear at
>>emotional times.
so after all that ... this is what you want - ... your issues ...
and now it's not all men --- just you ...
If you think about it ... for a dumb bloke I wasn't far off
what I hat most about my reply is that I felt I had to say I have gay
is that because your behaviour isn't normative and because you don't agree
means the rest of humanity is wrong
>>> the individuals who are in the overlap are forced to
>>> accept a role they are not comfortable with
because they don't follow normative (nor medial) behaviour.
many of the overlap genders also conform to general normative behaviour - it's just the target that's different.
I have many friends who are gay - and yes ... a surprising number of the guys act and/or run antique businesses.
but in other ways their behaviour is the same.
and what's striking is that the women tend to have relatively restrained "nesting" relationships
the blokes are just scr@wing in lumps ... and because their partner has exactly the same drives ... it all seems more enthusiastic (and some are in stable long term relationships)
beso - I don't think for a minute you are a sex crazed man ... I think you have issues with your childhood development - what that development should have been is the real issue
mixed schools are a good thing ... but mixed classes for the over 13 are not
>>>All I ask is that people start to acknowledge that all
>>> men are not ******** and stop persecuting those who
>>> don't fit the stereotype
>>It is tough in adolescence to so frequently be the butt of
>>others attempt to reassure themselves, to be accused
>>of being gay, to be humiliated for shedding a tear at
>>emotional times.
so after all that ... this is what you want - ... your issues ...
and now it's not all men --- just you ...
If you think about it ... for a dumb bloke I wasn't far off
what I hat most about my reply is that I felt I had to say I have gay
