friendship

[cre]

I have a friend who seems to be involved in the most tumultuous relationship of all time. She calls me whenever they are having problems and I try to be there for her as a friend, but recently things have become ridiculous.

She tells me it's all over (this has happened numerous times), then announces the next day they are getting married the following week. The day after their wedding she tells me she's made the biggest mistake of her life, then they went away together. She just got back and sent me an sms asking if she can move in with me because they just broke up. My husband doesn't want her here (esp as it's our last week together before I am away from him for 6 weeks), and I just don't know what to do anymore. She's not anwering my calls and hasn't responded to my reply suggesting they find an alternative arrangement as it's not suitable for her to move in. I don't want to neglect her as a friend, but if the last few times are anything to go by, I'm probably worrying about nothing...what to do with a friend like this???

[Scarlett]

She has been taking you for granted, and not giving a great deal back by the sounds of it. I think you are absolutely right to say that she cannot move it. It sounds as if she is the sort of person who courts crises- and if it wasn't this way with this man, it would be with another. She is going to have to make a decision once and for all about what to do. You can't make it for her. She needs to stop involving you in every twist and turn, and start t behave like a responsible adult.

Could you not talk to her husband? You may get a different perspective completely.

 

Stick to your guns on this one. By not moving in with you, she is going to have to sort her own life out for a change. I wouldn't phone her anymore either- it sounds like she needs you a lot more than you need her!Let her sort this out and come back to you when she has grown up a bit.

[woofgang]

Scarlett has said it all> You have been a good and true friend but now its time to cut the cord

[jno]

She does seem rather high-maintenance, but friends don't all have to be clones of yourself. Her behaviour may make her husband want to defenestrate her, but that's not necessarily a reason why you should. And yes, she is taking you for granted a bit - but that's what friends are for; friendships are seldom perfectly balanced things where both sides invest exactly the same amount of energy.

You're quite right to put her off because you want to spend more time with your family. If she's not returning calls it may be that she's now decided to dump you, in which case problem solved.

But otherwise... well, the usual basis for friendship is that you enjoy each other's company; if that's still true, no reason to cut her off. On the other hand if she's driving you spare - and this isn't explicit in your Q, though perhaps I'm failing to read between the lines -  then that would be a reason to back off.

[Morrisonker]

Put your foot down and tell her no and why.  You may fight over it but if she doesn't know how you feel she'll never stop behaving this way and you'll always resent her actions. 

[cre]

Thank you all so much for the time you've spent responding. I think I've got the message loud and clear. It's difficult to step back from someone when they are reaching out, but sometimes I guess, you have to know when to leave someone to help themselves - the old 'cruel to be kind' saying comes in here I think.

Thanks again.