Relationship advice

[Headless Rat]

I've been with my bf for a 1.5yrs now. He's a really good guy and buys me lots of little presents when he's away on work & just in general whenever he sees something he thinks I'd like. We get on well but recently I've become very frustrated with him. He never says nice things to me such as how much I mean to him or whether I make him happy or anything which goes beyond the one-liner of " I love you". Even when he says that it has begun to sound like it's just something he has to say rather than like he actually means it. I told him a couple of weeks ago that I loved him "so much" and he FREAKED out and told me not to go overboard!!!!! I was SO hurt and embarrassed. When we came back from a hols I said that it had been great spending so much time with him. His reply was " well it's nice to spend time on your own aswell..." He never wants to go away with me for more than a night and he never ever has asked me to a family do and refuses to go to any of mine. My friends have said to me,jokingly, that they keep forgetting I have a bf. That's not good!! Even when we're on a night out with his friends, he seems to have a WAY better time talking and laughing with his friend's gf than he does talking to me. Actually, he barely speaks to me on night's out when there's other people there. When I try to talk about our relationship with him he turns his back to me(literally) or just denies everything & makes me feel like it's all in my head. I really love him & don't want to throw away 1.5yrs, but I'm beginning to start playing mind games with him rather than trying to talk to him....and that's not good. But he won't listen when I do try to talk to him!!What should I do??? I don't want him to think I'm blaming everything on him or make him feel like I'm just a nag who's never happy. I feel a bit trapped. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[Androcles]

Looks like it isn't working. Sorry about the 1.5 years but dump him before it gets worse. Anybody who displays such a cavalier attitude is only in it for what they can get.

[Headless Rat]

I have asked him if his feelings have changed and he says that they haven't. He's not in it for what he can get....coz he doesn't "get" anything from me! He's totally the "strong, silent type". Obviously he has feelings, but he NEVER shows them. He said to me recently how at the start of our relationship he didn't think it would last!!! Like, that was a year ago, but I had NO idea of how he was feeling coz he gave me zero indication at the time that he though it wouldn't last. Again I was very hurt and embarrassed. I mean, who wants to look back at the start of their relationship knowing that the other person obviously wasn't happy and didn't think it would last!!!! From what I'm writing I think it's fairly obvious he not in love with me. But WHY is he still with me??? He's a very good looking guy with a great body etc- although he has zero self confidence- but I'm sure girls would go for him. As I said already, he's not "getting" anything out of me so I don't see why he would stay with me if he didn't really love me?

[sqad617]

Headless.......I read you post, but half way down, my eyes went all funny and I went dizzy and fell of my PC stool.

I must have hit my head on the floor quite hard and cannot remember a thing.

Will get back to you and your question, when the para medics have gone.

[Androcles]

I think you are answering your own question:

You are with a guy who doesn't want to commit, doesn't show his feelings and is treating you like a habit. Need I go on? How will it be if it is still the same in another 1.5years............10 years. Time to bite the bullet!

[Headless Rat]

I totally get what you mean about him feeling under pressure to act like a bf, but I am SOOOO not the type to act like a typical gf. And he knows that. he says I'm cool and relaxed and that he has a great time with me and really enjoys my company. It's not that I want him to change as such. I just want him to verbalise what he's feeling instead of never telling me. I find it difficult to feel close to him because of it. The rare time we have spoken about it, he has said that he is crazy about me and that he'll try and "do better". I feel awful then coz there's not a better human being on the earth and the thought of him trying to "do better" breaks my heart!! You couldn't ask for a sweeter and more generous person. I JUST WANT HIM TO TELL ME HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME A BIT MORE AND COME TO A FEW COUPLY THINGS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is that too friggin much to ask of a boyfriend???? I dunno coz I've never had one before anyway

[Whoever]

It seems that the relationship has gone stale for him, even if it hasn't for you. Are you possessive? Have you been expecting him to spend every moment of his spare time with you? Even people in a long term relationship need some time and space for themselves and it sounds as if he's feeling very suffocated by your need to have his continual presence and attention. You say you feel trapped. I would hazard a guess that he's been feeling trapped for some time yet doesn't want to do the caddish thing and dump you, hoping that you will make the first move. Don't play mind games. Just tell him that you feel the relationship has changed, isn't working any more and suggest you don't see each other at all for a couple of months. That will give you both time to assess your feelings and sort out whether the relationship still has any mileage in it or not.

[yogi.bear]

LOL............sqad

can see what you mean, though...........................reading it is like being on the vampire ride at chessington world of adventures!!!.....................you get halfway through......start getting a bit dizzy!

Hi Headless............use paragraphs and gaps next time as so close together is a real pain to read! xx :0)

Right in regard to your question.........ask him what his plans are with you.......as i think you are heading down a one way street and you love him more than he is prepared to commit to you.
You answer the question partly yourself in your question details!!

If you're due to go away with him on holiday this summer, that would be a great place to have a lovely open chat about your feelings towards each other..................nothing like being away for a little romance in the air.

But not to worry if you're not as he should love you as much as you love him, anyway!!

Do what you think is right......have a good heart to heart with him about HOW you're feeling and better to know NOW than in 5 years or so and then you have committed deeper into the relationship.

Best of luck yo you, sweetheart

the bear x

:0)

[Headless Rat]

Thanks Yogi! Cute name by the way! Not like mine! We were on hols a few weeks ago so no more hols for a while. I do think he loves me as, as I said, he's always buying me little things while he's away for the day, and he's always there for him 100% when I need him. I'm not possessive at ALL and I'm not jealous coz I know he would never ever cheat on me. I suppose I'm just cautious coz the last guy I loved said all the right things and made me feel good but then turned out he was just leading me on for over a year! I can't seem to get a good mix. It's either the one who's all talk and means none of it, or the one who doesn't say a word but is always there for me.

[yogi.bear]

Hi again Headless Rat ( i think it's a great name!)

I'm sure your b/f does love you.........seems that he's gone into that 'taking you for granted stage' as he knows you'll be there for him.
Have a word with him.....tell him how you feel........ ....and hope it works out really well for you, my lovely.

I'm usually in CB, but i do float about a bit.....may catch you on another thread......good luck and.....

take care

the bear x

:0)

[CAJ1]

I don't think men say how they feel as much as us women do because they are built completely different although to hear him saying something once in a while would be nice! My boyfriend is crap at telling me I look nice (unless I ask him if I do) and doesn't tell me he loves me all the time. But I would rather he said it once in a while and mean it than tell me all the time just for the sake of saying it.

It seems to me that you love him and want to be with him, maybe the spark has gone after a year and a half - it doesn't last forever. Relationships need to be worked at, sit down with him and tell him how you feel. If he loves you he will listen and try to understand. Make sure you get time apart and go out with your friends and leave him to do his own thing otherwise it gets a bit too much. Set a 3 month period and see if things improve as you might just be going through a wee bad patch. If things don't improve after talking to him and giving him time then it may be time to move on and find someone who is able to tell you how much they care about you.

[Rosetta]

Good advice there ^^^ from Caj. some men are emotionally constipated when saying the affectionate words. Only you can judge if he is expressing himself in a different way eg demonstrating he is thinking of you when he buys you gifts.

[4getmenot]

either dump him as he obviously isnt what you want or realise how lucky you are and go out and buy the book men are from mars women from venus will open your eyes to why he is like this

[ummmm]

But in my case 4get, I'm from mars and he's from venus.....the soppy git :-)